The Rick Kaempfer Archives

The Little Brother Protector (Patent Pending)

2011-10-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

Snowstorm 2011

2011-02-05T10:09:00.000-08:00

Some pictures from our big storm of 2011, beginning with the view out of our front door when we woke up in the morning. The second picture is Sean by our side fence, the third is Sean in the snow fort he built, the fourth is the pathway in the sidewalk in front of our house, the fifth is Sean and Ivy near the fort, and the last one is Sean standing in front of the house--the snow is up to his waist.

19 years

2010-11-11T12:08:00.000-08:00

I promised my wife when we got married that I'd show her the world.

This week we're celebrating our 19th anniversary, and while I may not have shown her the entire world quite yet, I have shown her at least nineteen places she had never seen before we met. Actually, I've shown her lots more than that, but I don't have photographic proof of some of them (like Paris & Munich & Puerto Rico), and the photographic proof that I have of some others (like Cancun & Sanibel Island) have been confiscated and hidden to prevent me from showing it to you.

The following locations in alphabetical order are... Acapulco, Boston, Dominican Republic, Jamestown, Lake Tahoe, London, Nags Head (North Carolina), Napa Valley, New York City, the Rhine River (Germany), Rothenburg (Germany), San Francisco, St. Kitts, Washington, Williamsburg, Wisconsin Dells, Worms (Germany), and Yosemite.

As long as I'm alive and able (and can afford it), I'll keep living up to my pre-marital promise.

The Birth of Sean Kaempfer

2007-09-18T00:05:00.000-07:00

By Rick Kaempfer

(Photo: Sean, eighteen months)

When Sean was born on September 19, 2002, I was still the executive producer of the John Records Landecker show on WJMK Radio. Like we did with the birth of my two other sons (Tommy and Johnny), the John Landecker show followed the pregnancy on the air. I even recorded the actual birth on digital audio tape as it was happening, and then called into the radio program with a full report live from the hospital.

His brothers were both born early in the morning (Tommy at 4 AM, Johnny at 2 AM), but Bridget was in labor DURING the show for Sean. I called into the show every hour and gave updates, some of which are referenced in the transcript below. Sean was born less than hour after the show ended that day.

This is the transcript of the call the following morning, September 20, 2005. The show members at that time were John Landecker, Leslie Keiling, and Bonnie Greene.

John: Magic 104.3, 8:14, John Records Landecker along with Leslie Keiling, that's Sister Sledge "We are Family". Rick, our producer, are you there?

Rick: I'm here.

John: You're a brand new dad.

Rick: Yes I am.

John: Bridget are you there?

Bridget: Hello. I'm here.

John: Do you have a radio at the hospital?

Bridget: No. We had one down at labor and delivery, and we were listening. The anesthesiologist thought you were really funny.

Leslie: Oh great.

John: You mean when he called him "Shakes"?

Rick: And a heroin addict, I believe.

John: Ha! So, how long do they let you stay in the hospital these days after delivery?

Bridget: 48 hours, and I'm taking every last second of it.

John: Well you sound good.

Rick: She looks good too.

John: Do you feel good too?

Bridget: Yeah. And we got a little trooper here too.

Leslie: Is the trooper in there with you?

John: No hold on a second, we're not giving anything away here. OK, so Rick. So far you have Tommy...

Rick: He'll be seven next month.

John: And Johnny...

Rick: He's 4 1/2.

John: Now people want to know. Hit it, Vinnie.

(Music: Theme song from "My Three Sons")

John: It would be my three...

Rick: Sons.

John: How big was our boy?

Bridget: 7 pounds, 12 ounces.

John: How long was labor?

Bridget: I'm not exactly sure because when we got here I was already in labor.

Leslie: That's the best way isn't it?

Rick: It really wasn't that long. I think she only had to push about ten times.

Leslie: And then went to the prom.

(Everyone laughs)

John: Let's get to the tape. Now Rick, you taped this yourself?

Rick: I did.

John: Any problems?

Rick: None at all this time. I had the surgical gloves on, and was helping the doctor. I had a leg in one hand, and..

John: Now wait a second here. What leg were you hanging on to?

Rick: I was hanging on to one of Bridget's legs.

John: Oh. So let me get this straight. You're hanging on to Bridget's leg with one hand, and the microphone in the other hand?

Rick: No, I set the microphone down on the table.

John: Oh geez. I had an image in my head here...

Rick: I'm very talented.

(Everyone laughs)

Rick: I did test levels.

(Everyone laughs)

John: The first time you didn't even know the microphone was on, the third time you're testing levels.

Rick: Exactly.

John: OK, roll the tape.

Dr. Sabbagha: Hi, hi, there it is. Can you push a little more?

Bridget: Ugh

Dr. Sabbagha: Hi there. Push push.

Nurse: Hi pumpkin.

Dr. Sabbagha: God, you're beautiful. Say something, precious.

Rick: It's a purple baby. That's Johnny's favorite color.

Baby cries.

Dr. Sabbagha: There he goes.

Rick: It's a boy!

Bridget: It's a boy?!

Rick: My three sons. Good work!

John: Rick. Guess whose crying in the studio? Oh, look, I got two of 'em crying.

Leslie: That's so beautiful.

Rick: It was soooo cool. I really got to enjoy it this time.

John: (sarcastically) Oh, and I know how hard the whole birthing process is for you.

Bridget: I actually thought he was funny this time. He made me laugh.

Bonnie: Because you hated him the other two times, right?

Rick: She kicked me in the knutchkies the first time she was so mad at me.

Bridget: I did not.

Rick: You did too.

John: Oh come on now, you two. You just had a baby.

Rick: I'm actually really proud of her. You should see her. You'd never believe she just had a baby.

Leslie: How are the boys. Are they excited?

Rick: (long pause) Uh...no.

(Everyone laughs)

Bridget: Tommy was so excited for about ten seconds. He came running into the room, held the baby, and then...hey what's in this cabinet?

Rick: And Johnny didn't even want to hold the baby.

John: Oooooooh.

Bonnie: Johnny's the middle child now.

Rick: Yup. My mom asked Johnny yesterday how his day went, and he said...Um, let's see...I went to school...I played in the park...um...She asked, 'Did anything special happen?' and he answered..."No."

John: Oh well, that will be an on-going story.

Rick: We're going to all go to a White Sox game tonight and beat up a coach. (This was the day after the William Ligue story)

John: You were gloating all morning, weren't you?

Rick: Yes I was.

John: I told you! Cubs fans are gloating all over the city. So...the name of the child is...

Rick: Sean Harrison Kaempfer

(Baby noises in the background)

John: Is that him?

Bridget: Yup. I'll put the phone up to him.

(More baby noises)

Bonnie: He sounds like a puppy.

John: OK, Sean. That's Irish for John, right?

Bridget: Yes, technically it is. S-E-A-N.

John: Harrison, I've got to guess, is...

Rick: Let's just say it's not for Harrison Ford.

John: It's for George Harrison, isn't it?

Rick: Yes it is.

John: I knew it!

Rick: But I didn't pick Sean. That was Tommy's idea.

John: And Johnny wanted to name it...

Rick: Johnny abstained.

(Everyone laughs)

John: Johnny threw his headphones down and walked out of the Security Council meeting!

Rick: That's right.

John: Well congratulations everybody. We now have Sean's first on-air performance on tape too.

Bonnie: Are his eyes open yet?

Leslie: He's not a kitten for Pete's sake.

Rick: Blue eyes.

Bridget: He's kind of dozing right now.

Bonnie: Poke him. Wake him up.

Leslie: Isn't it good that Bonnie doesn't have children? Have you taken him out for a walk yet?

Rick: We've got newspaper all over the floor...

John: Bonnie, it's a baby.

Bonnie: Sorry...

John: Well thanks for procreating.

Rick: My pleasure.

John: I'll bet it was. And now we have the vasectomy next.

Rick: Yes we do.

Leslie: And then we'll hear Rick making baby noises.

(everyone laughs)

John: Sean Harrison Kaempfer. That's a cool name. You'll have to change your answering machine message you know.

Rick: I'll do that today.

John: Cause it says, Rick, Bridget, Tommy & Johnny can't come to the phone. Well thanks guys, and congratulations.

Rick: Bye.

Bridget: Bye.

Bonnie: Of course, it will be awhile before Sean can come to the phone.

Leslie: Whoa.

John: The next time we do anything with children, you don't talk.

Bonnie laughs.

Praise for Severance

2007-06-12T07:55:00.001-07:00

I wanted to thank everyone who has been so kind about my new novel "$everance." It is getting excellent reviews and notices across the country, particularly from media professionals who would know whether or not this portrays an accurate picture of the current media landscape.

Listen to what they have to say...

"I think it’s a great, funny, sarcastic, entertaining and thought provoking book…that really shows how broadcasting has changed over the last few years.”
--Rock and Roll Hall of Famer John Records Landecker

"Rick cuts the modern media conglomerates to the quick in his alternately hilarious and disturbing Severance. Some readers will think his moguls and media personalities are exagerrated. I'm here to tell you they're pretty dead-on."
--Roe Conn, WLS Radio

"It's about time somebody told this story. $everance certainly captured the world of radio, warts and all."
--Legendary broadcaster Clark Weber

“Severance is a black comedy that would be funnier if its darkness weren’t so true. And it crackles with the insights and cynicism that made Network and Broadcast News the seminal cinematic treatments of today’s dumbed-down news business. Move over Christopher Buckley----Rick Kaempfer is in town!”
--ABC-TV News Reporter Andy Shaw

"Other than 'love', 'Severance' is the sweetest word in the English language. This really made me laugh."
--WGN Radio's Steve Cochran

"Told with the keen insight of a veteran insider, it's a humorous indictment of an industry that has lost all sense of purpose -- except for making money, of course."
--Former Chicago Sun Times media columnist Robert Feder

"A hysterical critique of corporate morality"
--Chicago Tribune's RedEye Columnist and WGN-TV Morning News Anchor Larry Potash

"I was with it the whole way, and I love the appended real life figures at the end. I enjoyed the hell out of $everance."
--The Beachwood Reporter's Steve Rhodes

"Brilliant satire! I got a paper cut from the sarcasm. I wish I could say it was great fiction, but having worked in radio, I think it’s just really funny non-fiction. The reality in between the laughs will scare the hell out of you."
--Longtime radio personality and playwright Spike Manton

"I thought this novel was just going to be an amusing story about radio. But the way Kaempfer has woven in elements of all media and politics is masterful, to say nothing of insightful, and frequently laugh-out-loud funny! It’s a brilliant first entry. I can't wait for his next page-turner!"
--Legendary broadcaster and programmer Bob Dearborn

"$everance is a comical, suspenseful, thought-provoking novel about the frightening realities of corporate media in America. Kaempfer writes with ease, quickly drawing the reader in to the satirical-yet oddly realistic-world he's created. This one is tough to put down-a delightful page-turner!"
--Julia Perla, Managing Editor, Shore Magazine

"Too bad Zagorski (the main character) is fictional. Today's media could use someone like him to shake things up. He's the personification of fairness with just enough wicked cynicism to make him completely irresistible. The thought that a team like Zagorski and Lawrence might actually exist should make some big bosses more than a little uneasy."
--Leslie Keiling, WGN Radio

"Rick Kaempfer’s “$everence” is whiplash-fast, choke-on-your-coffee funny, and ultimately frightening. Kaempfer has seen it all in the radio business, and has some dire predictions for the rest of the media, too. It’s the summer’s must-discuss beach read – and probably a sign of the apocalypse."
--Paige Wiser, Chicago Sun-Times columnist

"I laughed out loud many times while reading it - yeah, it's that funny! If you work in the radio business you'll love the inside view of the industry and if you're not in the media you will certainly learn a lot of eye-opening trade secrets."
--Cara Carriveau

"I began laughing almost immediately! The first paragraph alone made me feel like I was back at my first radio job trying to avoid doing anything remotely near the station’s break room! I absolutely LOVE the book! The plot twists and turns were totally unpredictable!"
--Darren Marlar, "Marlar in the Morning", 101-QFL

"As funny as this book is, $everance is a must read for anyone who cares about the state of radio and the media in general. The more ridiculous the plot gets, the more one realizes that it's probably the closest to the truth about what comes out of our radios, tvs and newspapers every day! Kaempfer has done his homework and manages to weave a delightful tale questioning the terrifying possibilities of truth for sale."
---Jeanne Ashley, Star 102 KCKC, Kansas City

"Richard Kaempfer has peeled the lid off your favorite radio station and shown what's inside. $everance turns the radio business on its head and makes you laugh out loud, but it also asks some tough questions. A great read!"
--Reed Pence, Media Tracks

"Got this book and read it in one sitting. Fantastic. I'm realizing that I worked with - and for - most of the characters in this book!"
--Len O'Kelly, WFGR Morning Host

"It's a ripe satire that rips the media giants a new one. Kaempfer throws his rocks with a keen insight."
--Jeff Hoover, WGN-TV Morning News

"Rick Kaempfer's novel Severance reveals the scary truth about the state of our media industry today. In a country where the First Amendment and the Fourth Estate were created specifically to keep our government in check, Severance is a must read for anyone who listens to the radio, watches TV or reads the newspaper—and who cares about the information they’re being fed. This is an extremely important book, one the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know about!"
--Kim Strickland, author of "Wish Club"

"A fast moving read that gives the reader insight into the fast moving radio industry; Kaempfer folds the reality of the business with the ridiculous...which is more often than not, the reality of the business!"
--Andi Kuhn, longtime radio personality

"Severance may be a novel – but the storyline it presents is a very realistic – albeit extreme look at the corporate media world – written as only an industry insider could do."
--Dan Kelley, longtime radio programmer

Garry Meier/Cliff Mansavage interview

2007-03-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I was one of the main writers of Loop Scoop Magazine, and one of our regular bits was "interviewing" the characters of the Loop personalities. One of Garry's most famous characters was "Cliff Mansavage." He was based on the old WGN-TV booth announcer who had a lisp (may he rest in peace).

Over the years, this character Cliff became a staple of the show. He actually began every Steve & Garry show, as Garry and whoever was running the control board that day (in my years with the show, it was me) waited for Steve to arrive. Garry didn't usually speak until Steve arrived, and Steve usually showed up about fifteen minutes after the show began.

I interviewed Cliff for Loop Scoop Magazine in the summer of 1993, just weeks before Garry's wedding, and as it turns out, weeks before the break up of Steve and Garry. At the time, they were doing the morning show on the Loop.

It's just a silly little piece--but you may enjoy seeing it again.

LOOP SCOOP MAGAZINE

Summer 1993 issue

"The Cliff Interview"

Cliff Mansavage was born in a little town named Mother's Womb, Missouri. His family moved north, and he spent most of his formative years in Montana, attending high school at Big Brawny Bob High School for the Unusually Inquisitive.

After he graduated at the top of his class, he headed for sunny California, where he attended Prime Time University. He later completed his studies at Boys Town, receiving a masters degree from their film school.

Cliff went on to a long successful broadcasting career in Chicago as a TV booth announcer before retiring to his ranch. He now works as the radio booth announcer for Steve and Garry.

We sent out our reporter, Rick Kaempfer, to find out more about the man we know only as Cliff Mansavage.

Rick: How long have you been with Steve & Garry?

Cliff: 6 foot 2, but I've been longer some mornings.

Rick: Cliff, you have a unique perspective of the guys. Tell us something we don't know about them. What are they really like?

Cliff: They paste Princess Di's and Fergie's heads on naked animal bodies during commercial breaks.

Rick: Steve & Garry's cast of characters has constantly changed over the years. With all the different newscasters, sportscasters, producers, and contributors that have come and gone, how is it that you are still aboard? What's the secret to your longevity?

Cliff: I eat healthy, and let's face it, I'm pretty darn good in the broadcasting saddle.

Rick: Mark Twain once said, "The most priceless gift of all is waking up one more day." Now that you are entrusted with being the first thing people hear when they wake up, do you feel an extra responsibility?

Cliff: Oh sure. I think it's better to hear about school lunches from me than on the street, and who else gives the temperature at Peotone International?

Rick: Your co-workers speak very highly of you. In their words, you are "cheerful, friendly and gay."

Cliff: I've heard a lot of people at the Loop described that way. As long as they "Hey, Cliff gives almost 100% every day," I'll be happy.

Rick: Let's talk about your first love; helping young boys. You are the founder of Cliff's Broadcasting School & Film Ranch for Wayward Boys. Tell us a little about how that came to be.

Cliff: I picked up the land for a song because most of it was swampland, very much like how Walt Disney started Disneyworld, except he had more money and didn't have to live in a drafty log cabin.

Rick: Garry Meier finally decided to get hitched recently. You are a man in his 60s, yet you're still single. Is there a reason for that? Any chance of a double wedding with Garry?

Cliff: I was married back in the 50s, when gas was twenty cents a gallon and they pumped it for you. I lost my toupee in that divorce. My best to Garry and Cindy.

Cliff actually showed up as part of that one day Steve & Garry reunion a few years ago. If you want to see him in action, you can see it here: VIDEO: The Steve & Garry Reunion Show

Coppock vs. McNeil

2007-02-16T10:32:00.000-08:00

(I wrote this article when Chet Coppock was moved to afternoons on WMVP AM, and found himself going head-to-head against his former producer Dan McNeil. It was quite an entertaining battle at the time, and it's safe to say that McNeil came out victorious. Coppock and McNeil have since made up. This article originally appeared in Chicago Advertising & Media in 1993.)

By Rick Kaempfer

The Loop AM/FM has done a dramatic overhaul of their lineup.....again. The most dramatic change took place on the AM band. They sent John Brandmeier over to the FM, shuffled Danny Bonaduce from overnights to Chet Coppock's evening slot, and gave Chet the better timeslot he has longed for; afternoons. I recently gave him a call. As a courtesy to those of you unfamiliar with Chet-speak, I included translations.

Chet, are you excited about the change?

"Its New Years Eve in Times Square" (Yes.)

I know you have long believed that your timeslot didn't offer you with the optimal sports audience. After all, you were going up against the events you were hyping. Take away your chance to set the scene, and you are taking away what you do best. Right Chet?

"My greatest strength is creating a texture and ambiance around an event" (Right.)

The Loop is, of course, taking a big chance. Turning over afternoon drive to a sports show on a station that is known more for its entertainment/comedy elements is quite a switch. Will there be any changes to your show?

"Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. It will probably take a few months, but we want to make it a more entertaiment oriented show. By the fall, we'll be Coppock on Sports meets Steve & Garry meets Johnny B meets Bob Costas."
(We're gonna take it slow, but we'll probably do a little more schtick.)

Well, now we get to see how Chet does against the competition. The only one to watch, of course, will be the Score (820 AM). They made a well publicized play for Chet when they kicked off back in January of 1992. Chet decided to stay at the Loop, but the Score did snag Chet's executive producer, Dangerous Dan McNeil. Coincidentally, McNeil is doing afternoons there (along with Terry Boers) and will be Chet's direct competitor.

Are you looking forward to a friendly rivalry with Danny McNeil?

"To be totally frank. I haven't even thought about it. I haven't listened to Danny for fifteen minutes since he left." (Wrong.)

Oh, I see. Well, then you're looking forward to a spirited competition. Is that closer to the truth, Chet?

"I'm not concerned. The station is not concerned. What are they, like 23rd in the market?" (Bring him on.)

Well, after discussing this with Chet, I thought I'd give a jingle to Dan McNeil over at the Score. Again, I've supplied translations for those of you unfamaliar with Dan-speak. Surely, he considers this a friendly rivalry between friends. Right, Dan?

"To be honest, I don't listen to his show. I don't read his column, and I don't watch his B-grade TV show." (Wrong.)

How do you feel about going up against your former mentor?

"Let me put it this way. There are other shows that I fear more." (Bring him on.)

Well, now that the gloves are off, lets have at it. Chet, what's the difference between your show and the Score?

"We have the newsmakers. We don't just report the news, we break the stories. We have a guest list that cannot be matched." (Take that.)

OK, fair enough. Danny, what's the difference between Chet and your show?

"Coppock has always prided himself on marquee guests, but the Score also gets the marquee names. Yet, these are presented differently. Listeners have access to the guests, and there is less pontificating and butt kissing by the hosts." (Take that.)

So, Chet how about some butt-kissing?

"Danny seems to forget that we made him an entity in this market. We made him Dangerous Dan McNeil. We took him off the unemployment line. He forgets that when his wife got pregnant, we gave him our baby furniture. I don't know why he's so bitter. I just hope he can get piece of mind, because he desperately needs it." (We're not friends anymore.)

It doesn't take a genius to sift through this and make sense of it all. Even though the Score has survey results that say only 13% of their listeners listen to Chet, don't buy their story that they don't consider Chet direct competition. And even though Chet says he doesn't worry about the Score because they're only 23rd (actually 20th), don't believe that Chet is unaware of their success with their target audience (3rd place, Men 25-54.)

This should be a fun summer for sportsfans. We're guaranteed of having at least one good heavyweight bout.

Radio Awards

2006-12-05T19:07:00.000-08:00

In my 20+ year radio career, I'm proud to have worked with some of the all-time greats in the business. Both John Records Landecker and Steve & Garry were named by Radio & Records as among the top 20 most influential radio personalities in radio history.

Both shows have been recognized by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland for their contributions to Rock and Roll history. Check out their displays in the radio exhibit there next time you go.

In 2001 & 2002, the John Records Landecker show was named as the best Oldies morning radio show in the country by the pre-eminent radio trade publication: Radio & Records. I was proud to be the Executive Producer of the show during those years.

In 1997, the John Records Landecker show was named as the best morning show in Chicago, and the winner of the Achievement in Radio award by the March of Dimes. I was the executive producer of the show at the time.

During the years I produced the Steve Dahl & Garry Meier show (1987-1991) and the John Records Landecker show (1993-2003), I felt honored to be working with some of the greatest radio performers Chicago has ever known.

I still feel that way today.

Rick and Swany pictures

2006-12-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

A fan of "The Radio Producer's Handbook" sent us the following letter...

"Guys, I just read your book and loved it, but I have one big complaint. While I was reading it, I kept looking for pictures of you two, and there isn't a single one. What gives? Would you mind printing one or two?"
--Carly Richards

OK, Carly, but keep in mind there's a reason why we're radio guys and not models...

This is the head shot I had taken for the book. They used it for book publicity but not in the book itself.

This is Swany's promo picture from WTMX.

These were the pictures taken of us during an interview with LAKE MAGAZINE.

John Landecker Notebook

2006-11-30T20:34:00.000-08:00

The John Landecker Show: Rick Kaempfer, John Landecker, Leslie Keiling, Richard Cantu, and Vince Argento

I was the executive producer of the John Landecker show's entire reign at WJMK (1993-2003). I've previously written about the show many times, but I've never singled out some of my favorite memories. This was incredibly difficult to do, but I think I have cut it down to five.

5. Live broadcasts from listener's homes
It's hard to even imagine this now, but for an entire year we did the show from a different listener's home every Wednesday. I don't think it's a coincidence that this was also our best year in the ratings. It started off slow, with John getting to meet the listeners and rifle through their personal belongings on the air, but it soon became larger than life. We met the neighborhood celebrities everywhere we went, and the local politicians suddenly started showing up every week. High school marching bands came to play for us. Soon listeners were competing to win a brand new Ford Thunderbird. My favorite moment, however, happened when John discovered it was girl-scout cookie selling season. He asked to borrow the brownie outfit of one brownie mom, and started selling cookies door to door. (Photo on left: Promotions asst. Joleen, John, Engineer Mark, Promotions asst. Edith, and me.) This brownie outfit became a running bit that culminated in a live broadcast from Union Station. Carl Giamerese of the Buckinghams came with his guitar and performed a Buckinghams song that John and I had rewritten specifically for the occasion. It was released on our third CD, Baby Boomers. Click here to hear Carl's live performance at Union Station. ("Girl Scouts") Sadly, the live broadcasts from listener homes ended abruptly with the downsizing of the station engineering department. With only one engineer remaining on staff, it was decided that broadcasting from listener's homes was no longer feasible.

4. Our annual Christmas broadcast for charity
For several years we did a live Christmas broadcast from Oak Lawn to raise money, toys, and food for the holidays. We raffled off the hottest toys of that particular season, invited celebrities to join us there (Darlene Love came one year, Channel 2 sportscaster Tim Weigel came another), filled the largest ballroom in the largest hotel with listeners, and generally took over Oak Lawn. It got bigger and bigger every year, and we felt great being able to collect toys and money for children, and food for the local food pantries. We'd like to think we helped spread some Christmas cheer. The photo above is from our first Christmas broadcast. That baby John is wearing in a snuggly is my oldest son, Tommy Kaempfer. (Tommy later became a part of the show. Click here to hear the 2-year-old Tommy's contribution to our fourth CD--"Live Long & Perspire": "Little Tommy Kaempfer Sings".) After a few years of these Christmas shows, station management requested that we discontinue the broadcasts because they felt it took away from Dick Biondi's annual toy drive. (Dick did a 24-hour-radiothon in early December every year.) We never did another Christmas show for WJMK, but I still have warm and fuzzy memories of the four shows we did.

3. Lambs Farm
When John and I first came aboard at WJMK we wondered why they never staged free concerts for their listeners. That was a staple of most Oldies stations in America, and most of the acts we played on the air still regularly performed on the summer concert circuit. After our first year on the air, the station decided to take a risk. At our first show at Lambs Farm in Libertyville, we hired the Flying Elvis' from the movie "Honeymoon in Vegas" to perform. The sight of these parachuting Elvis impersonators landing near the stage to perform was a crowd pleaser, and the crowd of more than 30,000 that showed up for the show encouraged Lambs Farm and the radio station to continue the tradition. (The picture was taken at one of the Lambs Farm concerts.) At subsequent shows we got performers like Tommy James, Chubby Checker, and just about every other Oldies act you can name. Hundreds of thousands of listeners showed up--making this annual concert every year a huge fundraiser for Lambs Farm (they got 100% of all concessions). It was also a huge deal for our show, because the opening band every year was Landecker & The Legends. We got a rousing ovation when we first performed a song that has since made me a hero to my three sons. (The station banned us from playing it on the air because it was too naughty, but allowed us to play it live.) John and I wrote the words for this classic: King of *arts

2. Touring with Landecker & The Legends
Landecker & the Legends performed together for seven summers, and we probably played at every summer festival in the Chicago area. One summer we did over twenty gigs (basically two shows every single weekend).
It eventually became a little too much for all of us (remember, we still were doing a morning show every day), but the memories I have of those shows and the great people we met will never leave me. Plus, the band was so much fun to hang out with--Tim, Mark, Steve J., Steve V, Jay, Pete, Dan, Jeff, our associate producer Tom, and the horn players were a riot. One summer we even brought along an accordian player (who was a school principal in Naperville, I believe.) The downside to having an accordian player was that I had to dress up in my German lederhosen, and lead the crowd in the Chicken Dance. I'll never forget the sight of 50,000 people flapping their arms at Lambs Farm that year. The upside to having an accordian player was that it allowed us to play the song we wrote in honor of the Disney movie Pocahantas: The Polkahantas Polka

1. Live Broadcasts from tropical resorts
I've already written about the incredible trip we had to the Dominican Republic (Renewing my vows), but I had just as much fun at our final live tropical broadcast in January of 2003. Bridget had just given birth to Sean, and she couldn't travel yet--so I took my seven year old son Tommy with me instead. Just the two of us--for a whole week in Huatulco, Mexico. Every morning at 4:30 in the morning he got up with me and came down to the broadcast site, and every morning I set up his laptop next to mine so that he could play his video games. He also told a joke on the show every morning. After the shows were over, we would explore the beaches looking for iguanas, and play in the ocean. It's a week that neither Tommy nor I will ever forget.

Where are they now?
In August of 2003 WJMK decided not to renew our contract, and we all went our seperate ways. John is back on the air at WLS Radio in Chicago. Leslie Keiling is the traffic reporter every afternoon on WGN Radio (720AM). Richard Cantu is a network news anchor for ABC Radio in New York. Vince Argento is the production director of the Jonathon Brandmeier Show on the Loop (97.9FM) in Chicago, and I'm now fulfilling a life-long dream by becoming a novelist. It's worked out for all of us, but we all remember those days at WJMK fondly.

WPGU Photo Album (1981-1985)

2006-11-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

Rick and Dave ran for Homecoming King & Queen in 1985. We received the most laughs and the least votes.

Rick in the WPGU studio, interviewing John Hunter of the Hounds.

We gave away that scooter. I'm the one on the left there.

This is a photo of the WPGU management staff, circa 1983. Among the notables, Fox-TV reporter Dane Placko, WDRV evening jock Phil Manicki, and several other broadcasters from around the country.

My first press pass: Wrigley Field opening day 1984. My first radio convention: NAB 1984. My first business card: Program Director WPGU 1984.

WJMK Photo Album (1993-2003)

2006-11-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

South Side St. Patrick's Day Parade 1997. John Landecker, Rick, baby Tommy Kaempfer, Bridget Kaempfer, and Andi Kuhn.

Rick in the WJMK studios, around 4:00 a.m. I didn't sleep for a decade.

The John Landecker morning show, circa 2000. From Left to Right: Rick, John Landecker, Leslie Keiling, Richard Cantu, Vince Argento.

The John Landecker show on our first day together, 1993. From left to right: Richard Cantu, Lonnie Martin, John Landecker, Rick, Vicki Truax.

Live broadcast: the Dominican Republic, November 2001. Men dressed as women getting a kick out of the uncomfortable German guy.

The Dancing Itos at Lambs Farm: Rick and Vince, circa 1996.

Renewing My Vows

2006-11-11T20:49:00.000-08:00

November 16, 2001, Bridget and I renewed our wedding vows live on the air. I described it in this short section of my book..."The Radio Producer's Handbook." The photos are a bonus for the blog readers.

The John Landecker show did a week of live broadcasts from the Dominican Republic. Every morning there were huge technical issues to overcome, but the shows were quite memorable. Rick Kaempfer and his wife renewed their vows live on the air (for their tenth anniversary). The ceremony was perfect for the radio. It was a surprise for Rick’s wife, but every element of it was pre-approved by Rick and John.

There were visual elements (the bride arrived on horseback, the groom arrived on burro) and audio elements (music, crowd reaction, and an audio play by play provided by John), plus it was all captured by the digital camera and instantaneously placed on the station’s Web site.

The live audience felt like they were involved in something special. The show ended with Rick and Bridget, each holding one of their young sons, slow dancing to their wedding song. There wasn’t a dry eye in the audience, and the listeners at home got to listen to the song, and see the pictures on the Web site—a truly multi-media experience.

The only problem with this wonderful moment, of course, is that anything I do for our anniversaries now pales in comparison.

I usually just get her a card.

UPBEAT CHICAGO MAGAZINE article: "Et tu, Michael?"

2006-10-29T00:03:00.000-07:00

I wrote the following piece for a magazine called "Upbeat Chicago" in 1993. The (first) retirement of Michael Jordan shocked the city of Chicago, but my reaction was probably a little different than most.

Et tu, Michael?

By Rick Kaempfer

Michael Jordan's shocking retirement announcement really nailed me. I now want to be a food critic. See if you can follow my train of thought on this.

Every boy on every playground in America wanted to be Michael Jordan. It was everybody's standard dream.

"What are you going to be when you grow up?"
I'm going to be a professional athlete.

Pick your sport: baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer. We just want to be the best in the world. We want to suck in the praise as we hit that last second shot to win the game. We spend the bulk of our childhood pretending to be that person. If the truth be told, we also spend our adulthood wishing we were that person. Why do you think we get so emotionally involved in sporting events? We are living our lives vicariously through them.

Which, of course, brings us to our current dilemma. If Michael Jordan doesn't even like being Michael Jordan, maybe we've been wasting our time idolizing the wrong profession. This realization sent me on a quest.

Let's face it, nobody is one hundred percent happy with their job. The bottom line is they don't call it work for nothing. The cold hard truth is that even Michael Jordan didn't love his work, and all he did was play basketball for a living. Apparently the price of fame is the drawback.

So, our new dream job cannot be one that makes us famous. OK, eliminate rock star, movie star, and politician from our list of candidates.

What's left? After a long night of soul searching I decided that what I really want to do is find a job that allows me to sit on my couch, drink beer, eat snacks, and watch sporting events. Ooooh, what about sportswriter? Now that has some appeal. I tried to think of the downside, then it hit me....sportswriters have to talk to athletes. That would really bring me down. Those poor pro athletes are miserable.

OK, so we have to stay away from sports. What about just watching TV? Yeah, that's it! I want to be a TV critic. What could possibly be the downside? Then it hit me....a TV critic has to watch all of the shows on TV. He or she even has to watch those bad Sunday night made-for-television tearjerkers. Scratch that job. If I had to watch one more movie about wife beating I'd be as unhappy as poor Michael Jordan.

OK, so we have to stay away from TV. Sitting on the couch without watching TV wouldn't be nearly as much fun...so scratch that as a possible career. What about just drinking beer? As appealing as it sounds, it probably isn't very healthy. So what does that leave? Eating.

There actually is a way to do that for a living...become a food critic. That scary looking guy on Channel 7 does it, doesn't he? That's his job. He goes to restaurants, gets all of his food for free, gets to try whatever kind of food he wants, gets his butt kissed by the owner of the restaurant, and gets to try just about everything on the menu.

What about the downside? There is no downside. What if the restaurant is bad? So what? You're still eating for free. What do you spend most of your disposable income on? That's right...food. That would no longer be a problem. Wow, my heart is racing just thinking about the possibilities. Think about it. Have you ever heard a food critic complain about his job? Isn't that guy on Channel 7 always smiling like he has the best job in the world? That's because he does.

"So, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
I want to be a food critic.

Don't be surprised if kids across America are now sitting in front of their bowl of Spaghetti-O's saying: "Mom, I think the noodles are simply divine, the sauce is out of this world, but the atmosphere is lacking a little 'je ne sais que.'"

The Birth of Tommy Kaempfer

2006-10-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

I wrote the following piece when I returned home from the hospital after the birth of my oldest son Tommy, October 19, 1995.

The phone rang at the office. It was the very pregnant Bridget on the line. “I’m not sure, but I think my water might have broken.”

Like any rational adult, I went into a sitcom panic. “What do you mean, you think your water might have broken? Isn’t that usually accompanied by a huge swoosh of water?”

After we both calmed down (although now that I mention it, Bridget was pretty calm) we decided to swing by the doctor’s office and have him check. It was his day off and he conducted the examination over the phone with another doctor. The fluid was checked under a microscope.

Bingo.

Like any rational adult, I called everyone I knew and said “We’re going to have a baby!”

Of course, reality set in when we got to the hospital. The woman in the room next to Bridget’s was in her second day of labor. Later in the night we heard a woman screaming in such excruciating pain that we thought it was a baby crying. I knew right then and there that my beautiful wife would be numbing the pain with drugs. The more, the merrier.

I’m pretty sure that my mother set some kind of speed record from Mt. Prospect to Chicago in the middle of the afternoon. Bridget called her sometime around 1PM, and she was in the waiting room by 2PM. Apparently we weren’t the only ones anticipating the birth of this child....Oma wanted to be there when her first grandchild was born. As it turned out, she wasn’t.

After sitting there for eight hours with very little progress I sent her home. That’s when all hell broke loose. Bridget had to be induced, and almost immediately she started feeling intense pain. My memory banks have catalogued this beautiful moment between the anesthesiologist and my wife. It went something like this....

Dr: So, you think you need something for the pain?
Br: Yes, yes, yes....oooooh.
Dr: OK, we’re going to have to ask the father to leave the room for a moment.
Br: Groan. Groan. Groan. Groan. Groan.

(Rick leaves the room, returns 1/2 hour later)

Br: Oh, thank you doctor, thank you. I just wanted to really, really, really, really thank you.

We both knew we were in the home stretch then. Well, at least I knew. I’m not sure if Bridget even knew where she was for the next few hours. Thank God. It was so great to see the transformation from the really unhappy Bridget to the really happy Bridget.

It was now 2AM. Time to start pushing. They called Dr. Sabbagha. He checked out the goods and decided that we still had some time, so Bridget kept on pushing while the doc took a little nap. Molly the nurse helped us push. She held one of Bridget’s legs and I held the other and we coached her through each push. About every third push Bridget’s leg slammed me right in the family jewels.

Then I saw it....

At first I wasn’t sure what it was, Molly had to fill me in. It was the baby’s head. The hair threw me off. I didn’t expect to see hair, I was expecting to see a perfectly shaped bald (Michael Jordan-esque) head. But there was no mistaking it...the time was near.

Molly went to get Dr. Sabbagha, and told us we could keep pushing if we wanted. BIG MISTAKE. With her first solo try, Bridget grunted hard, and poof - there was the head...all the way out. I’m not sure what I said, but I think it went something like this....

“STOP. STOP. STOP. Holy Bleep.”

Molly came back in, saw the head and said...”Oh my God, we better get Dr. Sabbagha.”

He barely had time to get his gloves on before the event. Just a few moments later, at 4:06 a.m. we had a bouncing baby boy.

We didn’t even know the name of the baby when I called Mom up around 4:45AM. We hadn’t allowed ourselves to really put a lot of thought into a boy’s name, it just didn’t seem possible that we would have a boy. Bridget's entire family at the time consisted of nothing but girls.

Naming a child is one of the most awesome responsibilities a person ever faces. Our momentous decision was made something like this....

Rick: We need to come up with a name.
Bridget: It’s a boy. I can’t believe it’s a boy.
Rick: I guess the name Grace Anne won’t work now.
Bridget: Well, what do you think?
Rick: Let's name him after our fathers.
Bridget: I'm not naming him Eckhard or Stanley.
Rick: Fine, then let’s name him after our Dad’s middle names. Peter Thomas or Thomas Peter?
Bridget: I don’t know, I’m getting stitched up right now.
Rick: OK. Thomas Peter.
Bridget: Fine.

Most of our friends and relatives heard about Tommy on the radio. As a matter of fact, in one of the earliest broadcasting debuts in history, Tommy was on the air when he was 2 hours old.

The following is a transcript of that telephone conversation that morning. The participants are John Landecker (center), sidekick Vicki Truax (the only female in the group picture), and proud papa Rick.

John: Oldies 104.3 WJMK, It's 12 minutes after 6:00 with John Records Landecker and Vicki Truax. The hotline...the private line...is ringing. Hello.

Rick: Hello.

John: Well?

Rick: I'm a papa.

(Loud cheering and whooping in the studio)

Vicki: A girl or a boy?

Rick: A boy.

Vicki: I KNEW IT!!! What's his name?

Rick: Thomas Peter.

Vicki: What time?

Rick: 4:06 a.m.

John: Wow. How's everybody doing?

Rick: Everyone is fine.

Vicki: Bridget is fine too? Is she exhausted?

Rick: Yup, she's holding Thomas right now.

John & Vicki: Awwwww.

Rick: 7 pounds, 3 ounces.

John & Vicki: Awwwww.

Rick: And I recorded the entire thing on Digital audio tape.

Vicki: You're kidding? She didn't make you turn it off?

Rick: No. I had it put in a nice place where it didn't get in anyone's way.

John: We've got Thomas' birth on tape.

Rick: Yup. And we got his first bath on tape too, and his first cry.

John: Something tells me we better get more tape. OK, here's his first eyelid opening. Better get that on tape. We're going through his first toll...let's get that on tape. Hey Rick, don't you just want to...

John, Vicki & Rick: Hug and kiss them all the time?

(That was something Vicki said so often about her daughter it was a running joke on the show)

Rick: He is so damn cute.

John & Vicki: Awwwwww.

Rick: Wait a second...is he crying? Hold on.

Sound: A tiny baby cry can be heard.

John: Is that him?

Rick: Yup. His on-air debut.

John: Wow!

Rick: He's got some lungs on him.

John: That kid sounds like he's two years old.

Rick: Yeah, he's got good pipes.

John: Does he want to come in and do a few record talkovers?

Vicki: How long is he?

Rick: 21 inches.

John: So what was it like?

Rick: It was so cool. It was just like the movie "Alien." The baby kind of popped out and looked around. Then he jumped up and sucked my eyes out...

John & Vicki: (Laughing)

John: Then Siguorney Weaver came in with some sort of a mechanical device. It was unbelievable.

Vicki: You guys. Is he all wrinkly. Does he have hair?

Rick: Yeah, he does have hair. That was the first thing we saw. I asked the nurse...ewww...what is that? That's his hair. Oh.

John: Did you get it on tape?

Rick: Of course. Uh, oh. I have to go. We need to take Bridget up to the recovery room.

Vicki: You're still in the delivery room?

Rick: Yeah.

Vicki: That's dedication.

John: How many calls have you made so far?

Rick: This is my second call. I called my mom first.

John: Wow. Well take care of everyone.

Rick: Thanks.

John & Vicki: Bye.

John: There they go. Dad Rick, Mom Bridget and now Thomas Kaempfer.

Vicki: I kind of liked the other name Rick was talking about before.

John: I don't think Bridget was ever going to agree to Ringo.

Why do I write?

2006-10-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

By Rick Kaempfer

My Dad: Eckhard Kaempfer (1935-1989)

Losing a parent has a tendency to change your outlook on life. I know it happened to me. When my father died seventeen years ago, I was 25. That’s a pretty young age to become fatalistic, but I’ve chosen to look on the bright side of being fatalistic. For one thing, I no longer take things for granted because I know that my time on this earth is limited.

I know this is going to sound bad, but I wish my father had been a little more fatalistic. Of course, it’s totally unfair to say that about a man who walked into a hospital emergency room one day at the age of 54, and never came out again. His mindset was understandable. Both of his parents were still alive when he died. He had no reason to ever think about death. And even if he had, all three of his children were already adults (25, 24, and 19), and he had done a pretty good job of raising relatively normal functional members of society. Why would he bother thinking about what life would be like without him?

I know I’m being greedy here. I realize that. He gave me all he could give...and then some. But now that I’m a father myself, I find myself wanting something I never wanted before. His advice. I always considered Dad to be a source of wisdom, even when I strongly fought against it. He was a reasonable man, a thinker, someone who gave quite a bit of thought to his words before they came out. He wasn’t always right, but he was never rash or emotional. In short, he was the perfect kind of person to ask for advice.

And I never did.

And now that I’m a father myself, I have a million questions.

That’s probably one of the reasons I have so overcompensated with my own boys. I’ve tried to use my father as a model—his steady temperament and his guiding hand, while trying to give them what he couldn’t give me. It’s one of the reasons I’ve decided to stay home and raise them. I’m part of virtually every phase of their lives, and I’m constantly giving them unsolicited advice about every subject under the sun just in case they ever need it someday.

Unfortunately, I don’t quite have the fountain of wisdom my father had. He had knowledge that came from a difficult childhood of emigration and language barriers and hardship that I couldn’t even imagine. You learn things when you experience difficulty—and he must have learned so much. Most of those lessons learned, however, died with him. I didn’t have the foresight to ask about them, and he didn’t have the foresight to commit them to paper.

So I write.

That way, what I know will not go away when I go away. Even if my boys choose to ignore it for most of their lives, I’m fairly confident there will come a time when curiosity will get the best of them, and they will seek out wisdom from their father. When that time comes, there’s a possibility I won’t be around to deliver it in person.

The son spends his life trying to distance himself from his father, trying to make his own way in the world, trying to become a man. There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s part of growing up. I certainly don’t take it personally when my boys ignore my advice and insist on making the same mistakes I made. Some kids just learn better that way. I know I did. But there will come a day when they need me. And I just can’t bear to think that I won’t be there when they do.

So I write.

When they do seek me out, even if I’m not around, my words will still be here, to bring me back to life. They won’t have to wonder what was going through my mind when I was in their shoes--because they can read it. And if they end up having boys just like themselves—and my experience tells me they just might—they can see how and why I did what I did.

Why do I write? I know that part of the audience for every word I write includes three grown men I’ve never met. Three men who may one day want to ask Dad for advice. I only have my time, my love, and my words. I give those with all of my heart.

That’s why I write.

LOOP SCOOP ARTICLE: The Jim Shorts Interview

2006-09-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

In 1992, Loop Scoop Magazine asked me to appear on the Kevin Matthews Show (then on AM 1000--10:30-3PM) and interview sportscaster Jim Shorts. It was one of the strangest experiences of my life. The following is a partial transcript of that interview.

"JIM SHORTS"
By Rick Kaempfer

Jim Shorts is one of a kind: brash, violent, lady killer. But what is he really like? LOOP SCOOP decided the only way to find out was to subject him to the type of tough, uncompromising interview he himself has made famous. We sent out our reporter, Rick Kaempfer, to find out if the "real" Jim Shorts differs from his bigger-than-life persona heard every day on the Kevin Matthews Show.

RK: We've gotten to know your parents over the years. They seem to be loving and giving. Tell us something they did to you, that has screwed you up for life.

JS: They let my brother Glenn throw gasoline on me, and Glenn held up a match to me, but it didn't burst. And they made me go on a weekend trip with my Uncle.

RK: Which Uncle?

JS: I can't say. He's still in prison.

RK: Jim, just out of curiosity, I've noticed your father keeps calling you Richard. Is that your real name?

JS: I can't say. No comment.

RK: Fine. Everybody in radio seems to have a story about a boss somewhere that made them change their name. Are there any bad radio names you rejected?

JS: Yeah, Jack Silver and Shemp.

RK: What do you think of Kevin?

RK: What about your Wang. A recent poll of our listeners showed that only 10% actually believe you two are "just good friends". When are you going to get off your high horse, admit it, and marry the girl?

JS: It is very hard to bridle a stallion.

RK: Well, if Wang isn't the one, what kind of girl are you looking for?

JS: Hair. She has to have hair.

RK: Speaking of hair...Jim, you are as bald as a cueball, but yet you are self-assured, almost cocky. I'm sure your bald fans would love to know the secret.

JS: I call Tom Thayer. He's like my support group.

RK: Jim, what don't you sing anymore?

JS: I do. I'm actually putting a band together. It will be called Jim Shorts and the Melody Makers. And if you're a senior citizen in a rest home, write us and we'll come out and play for you.

RK: Play now.

JS: I'm not a monkey.

RK: Yes, but your child is. Every proud papa has a cute story about their little ones. Tell us about Luger.

JS: I almost cried the first time we clapped our hands together and he did a little backflip.

RK: Having a kid makes us all get a little philosophical. Let me ask you this, and I'll let you go. If a genie suddenly appeared on your doorstep and granted you a wish, anything at all, what would you wish for?

JS: Anything?

RK: Anything.

JS: Anything in the entire world?

RK: Yup..

JS: A new hip for Red Kerr.

September 11

2006-09-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

September 11, 2001, a day that I'm sure everyone reading this remembers vividly.

My experience on that day was a little odd. It involved Eddie Munster.

The following short excerpt about my experiences on that day is taken from "The Radio Producer's Handbook," which is still available here...The Radio Producer's Handbook

The John Landecker show had a “Mystery Guest” segment scheduled during the 8am hour (central time) on September 11, 2001. Rick Kaempfer was speaking with Butch Patrick (Eddie Munster) on the phone, prepping him for the mystery guest segment, when he was alerted about the first tower being hit. He politely said goodbye to Butch Patrick, turned on the television in the studio, and the show became a full-service news program. The newscaster Richard Cantu told all of the details that had been confirmed. As the show members tried to make sense of what was happening, the second tower was hit. Landecker and his co-host Leslie Keiling saw it happening and described it to the listeners. The listeners that normally would have turned on the news/talk station stayed with the program. Even today Landecker is stopped by people who were listening to the show that day. They thank him for handling the situation so professionally and feel a personal connection to him because of the real emotion he and the rest of the show members displayed on the air.

This is the crew we had working on the show that day...(from left, Rick Kaempfer, John Landecker, Leslie Keiling, Richard Cantu, and Vince Argento).

Steve & Garry Notebook

2006-08-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

I worked for the Steve & Garry show for almost five years (1986-1991), including the last four years as their producer. I've previously chronicled that on this blog a few times
(Loop Photo Album 1986-1993), but I haven't really written about it at length.

This seems like a perfect time to do that.

I was running the Steve & Garry fan club and helping out the Loop's promotions department when Steve & Garry's former producer (Roman) quit. That's when they promoted me to producer, and announced my arrival in the Steve & Garry newsletter (on the left).

During those years, I had some high highs and some low lows (some of my nicknames included "college boy", "Slow-Mo", and "Rick the German Boy"), but now that so much time has passed I really only think about the highs. Here are my five favorite moments.

#5: The Brian Wilson interview
Brian Wilson emerged from more than a decade of intense psychological treatment to release a solo album in 1988. He still wasn't quite right (and maybe never will be) when he arrived at the station for an in-studio interview. How do I know this? When I offered my hand to him, he jumped backwards like he had just seen a ghost. His "personal advisor" wouldn't let him out of his sight and actually sat on the floor in the studio during the interview. The interview itself was also memorable. At one point Brian started choking, leaving Steve and Garry speechless and completely at a loss for what to do. I've probably heard that 48 seconds of audio a thousand times since then, and it still makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

#4 Steve's on-the-air vasectomy
When Steve decided to get it snipped live on the air, the rest of us cringed. Garry actually had to witness it and provide play by play, while I was thankfully running the equipment, a safe distance away from the snipping. This was a big story at the time (I can't remember the year exactly...I want to say it was '89 or '90). The story came full circle for me in 2003 when I was getting my own vasectomy. The doctor who was handling the procedure realized who I was in the middle of the operation, and started asking me questions about Steve & Garry while he was cutting my bits and pieces.

#3: A Christmas Carol
In December of 1988, I tackled my first big production for Steve and Garry, a celebrity reading of the classic "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. I booked dozens of local celebrities to play the parts, and we performed it in front of a live audience at the Museum of Broadcasting. Steve was Scrooge, Garry was Cratchit, Bruce Wolf was Fred, Christmas Past was Roger Ebert, Christmas Present was Buzz Kilman, the late Channel 5 news reporter Paul Hogan was Marley, and other participants included Sports Illustrated writer Rick Telander, Channel 2 anchor Linda McClennan, Blackhawks announcer Pat Foley, West 57th correspondent Bob Sirott, Channel 7 anchor Diann Burns, Channel 5 anchor Joan Esposito, Channel 7 reporter Janet Davies, Chicago Bears quarterback Mike Tomczak, Sun-Times columnist Michael Sneed, Chicago Bears safety Gary Fencik, artist Tony Fitzpatrick, Kevin Matthews, Bob Stroud, Stan Lawrence, Chicago Bears Guard Tom Thayer, and Channel 7 anchor Mary Ann Childers.

It was a huge success, got a big write-up in the Chicago Tribune, and my boss at the time, future gazillionaire Jimmy de Castro wrote a memo to us saying how great he thought the show was (above on the left).

I've previously written about how this chance meeting with Mary Ann Childers had a big impact on my life. You can read that story here:Thank you Mary Ann Childers

#2 The Ringo Starr Interview
Eagles guitarist Joe Walsh was in the studio promoting his appearance with Ringo's All-Star Band. Steve asked Joe if he could get Ringo on the air, and Joe handed me the number to Ringo's hotel room. As a fanatic Beatle-maniac, I was stricken with fear. After a mild panic attack in the producer's room, I made the call. He was actually very nice to me on the phone, and agreed to come on the show. My conversation couldn't have lasted more than thirty seconds, but I remember every word of it. When he finally got on the air, he noticed he was on delay. He told Steve & Garry that it hurt him that they didn't trust him and demanded that they take the delay off before he continued the interview. When they followed his orders dutifully, he made sure he was on the air live, before blurting out: "SHIT!" Today that would have cost the station $325,000. In 1989, it was hilarious.

Ringo later showed up at the station for a nationwide interview (for a show called "Rockline"), and I got his autograph. It's something I will treasure forever.

#1 Meeting Bridget

A year or so after I became the producer, a young intern from the news department came into the producer's booth to retrieve the news wire copy for Steve & Garry news anchor Carrie Cochran. I struck up a conversation with her like I did with all of the news interns (I was friendly in those days), and discovered quickly that the two of us had a lot in common.

Unfortunately, the producer of the Kevin Matthews Show (Shemp, shown next to me below) also liked her and asked her out on a date. She took the unusual step of asking me to accompany them, which I did. By the end of the night, I was volunteering to drive her home all the way to Wheaton, and Shemp was out of the picture. I broke up with my girlfriend shortly thereafter, and Bridget and I started dating.

That was in 1988 and we're still together. We got married in 1991, and we have three boys now (Tommy, Johnny & Sean).

Jim Wiser (left) was the producer of the Jonathon Brandmeier Show. Shemp (middle) was the producer of Kevin Matthews, and I was the producer of Steve & Garry. This picture was taken at a Loop Christmas Party at Garry's restaurant "Lan's".

I quit the Steve & Garry show in 1991 to pursue my on-air career (which lasted exactly two more years...I went back to producing in 1993 when John Landecker called me up and asked me to produce his show).

This is how the Steve & Garry newsletter announced my departure:

"A changing of the guard took place at the producer's postion after four years. Our very own "German Boy" moved onto smaller and lesser things. Steve and Garry both scratched their heads as to why he would leave without having another job lined up. Our investigative reporters snooped around and came up with these ten rumors.
#1: Steve did one too many Colonel Klink impersonations
#2: Cliff got a little too touchy-feely during dance rehearsals
#3: Rick and Maggie Brock had a torrid love affair that will continue in Phoenix (Maggie was the newsperson, and she left the same week I did--she moved to Phoenix)
#4: Longstanding philosophical differences regarding Jerry Lewis.
#5: Laziness
#6: Heading back to Fatherland to start WW3.
#7: His girlfriend was getting a little too close to Steve & Garry.
#8: He was miffed at the lack of publicity the reunification got on the show
#9: He didn't get to do his "Kermit the Frog" voice on the air a single time...even the day Jim Henson died.
#10: He loves golf and couldn't take Steve and Garry bashing the sport any longer.

Steve and Garry broke up exactly one week after I left the Loop to produce John Landecker's show. I ran into Garry a few times after that, but despite working on the same floor as Steve (when he moved to WCKG), I didn't see or talk to Steve again until he invited me to his 50th birthday party in 2004.

I now communicate with both of them occasionally via e-mail, and like any fan of the show, I'm rooting for a full-fledged reunion...although I know it's a long shot.

5 Questions with Swanson & Kaempfer

2006-06-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Bill Zwecker, a columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times, was nice enough to write a piece about us when we put out "The Radio Producer's Handbook." This article appeared in the Chicago Sun Times on November 1, 2004.

"5 Questions with Swanson & Kaempfer"
By Bill Zwecker
Sun-Times Columnist

Veteran Chicago radio producers Rick Kaempfer and John Swanson have spent the past two decades learning the inside scoop on how to make good radio--or at least successful radio--as the unseen (and mostly unheard) creative minds behind such phenoms as Steve Dahl & Garry Meier, Kevin Matthews, Eric & Kathy, Jonathon Brandmeier, and John Records Landecker.

Now the two have have joined forces to pen "The Radio Producer's Handbook," and last week they shared some insights with me.

Q: You've worked for some of the biggest names in Chicago radio. When I throw out their names, describe them in a word or short phrase.

A: John Landecker? (Answer: Kaempfer: "Energy"). Jonathon Brandmeier? (Answer: Swanson: "Energy on Red Bull"). Eric & Kathy? (Answer: Swanson: "Dynamic Duo"). Steve Cochran? (Answer: Swanson: "Great interviewer. Always knows his stuff."). Steve Dahl? (Answer: Kaempfer: "True natural for radio. A total original.")

Q: Name something you could not believe was happening to you.

A: (Swanson): For me that's an easy one--meeting Paul McCartney. The moment before he walked up and I knew I was going to meet him a the House of Blues in Los Angeles, I actually did pinch myself--knowing this was a big moment. (Kaempfer) "We're both Beatles fans--when I met Ringo, that was same for me. I can remember every word of that conversation. Also for me, as a writer--meeting Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner."

Q: Who was a better guest than you ever expected?

A: (Kaempfer) Two of the biggest comedy punch lines of the 80s and 90s were Barry Manilow and Dan Quayle--and yet, when I reluctantly had to book them--they both turned out to be fantastic.

Q: Any heroes who disappointed?

A: (Swanson) Yes. Harrison Ford and Christopher Guest. Harrison was on for "The Widowmaker" and he obviously was not happy about that movie. It was all one-word answers. As for Christopher Guest, I was so looking forward to him--I love all his movies. I was looking for him to say something funny--anything! He gave us nothing!

Q: Who was the most arrogant guest you ever had?

A: (Kaempfer) Larry King. He just walked in, handed me his coat, and said "Cream, No Sugar." before he even said hello.

The Jay Leno Controversy

2006-06-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

What were you doing June of 1994?

You were probably talking about O.J. Simpson.

The infamous White Bronco highway chase occured then, and for better or worse, the country talked about virtually nothing else for the next two years.

We were no different at the John Landecker show. In fact, the way we handled the OJ trial was probably responsible for our rise to the top 5 in the ratings. We had no fewer than five parody songs about the subject, and it became a big part of the Landecker and the Legends stage show. John would perform these songs flanked by two "dancers" (Vince Argento and Me--that's us in the picture) dressed like Judge Lance Ito.

When Jay Leno did the Tonight Show in Chicago for a week, we sent his show a tape of our first OJ song (a parody of YMCA--called "YDNA"), along with a description of our Dancing Itos. We thought he might find it funny and use it on the air. Well, imagine our surprise when his version of the Dancing Itos emerged--dancing to a parody of YMCA. Their song was called "OJLA".

John and I tried to convince ourselves that it was a coincidence. After all, they didn't mention us or the show--so they must have come up with it themselves, right? Our listeners, however, wouldn't hear of it. They flooded our phone lines the next morning, outraged at the theft.

That led John to write the following letter to Jay Leno.

April 11, 1995

Jay Leno
NBC-TV

Dear Jay,

Early last week, I overnighted a package to you that contained a parody of The Village People’s “YMCA” called “Why DNA?” I’ve been playing this parody for a while now, and it is by far the most asked for song on our station. I also enclosed a lyric sheet and a letter.

In the letter, I explained that I had been using the Dancing Ito’s on stage since January. Although I didn’t ask for it, I fantasized that you would mention my program, play the song, the nation would love it, my ratings would go up and my contract would be renewed!!

Cut to last Thursday night. I’m watching NBC prime time, and Bingo! a Tonight Show promo hits the air. It’s some sort of Ito/Village People/O.J.L.A. thing! I can’t believe it!!

I got on the air Friday morning at 5:30 am. The first call comes in... “John, did you see Jay Leno last night?” For the next 4½ hours, it was pretty much non-stop on the fax machine and the telephone. Did the Tonight Show take our idea? Why didn’t Jay mention you? and on and on.

I said on the air, in my opinion, you didn’t even see the package that I sent. Some writer grabbed it and used it, or maybe it was just a coincidence.

At any rate, I’m still a desperate radio personality pleading for plugs. Can I get a) a mention, b) an appearance, c) an interview d) all of the above, or should I just go f**k myself?

Say, did I ever tell you I really like motorcycles?

Love and kisses, your pen pal,

John Records Landecker
Oldies 104.3 WJMK

P.S. You can reach me or my producer, Rick Kaempfer, until 1pm Chicago time at (312) 977-1800, or after 1pm, my home number is (312) 944-9674.

(Those numbers aren't good anymore--don't bother calling them.)

Well, a strange thing happened after they received our letter. I was taking a nap at home after the show one day, and Bridget came in to wake me up.

"Jay Leno's on the phone," she said.

"Shut up."

"No seriously," she said--holding the phone up. "He's on the phone right now."

It was him. The station had given him my home phone number. In the call he told me how they had been flooded with complaints and he swore that he hadn't even opened our package--that they have a policy against it.

I told him that I believed him, but our listeners didn't. Would he agree to come on the show to talk to John and answer all of our questions? To his credit, he agreed.

The next morning we had a ten minute interview with Jay. He said that he would never steal an idea--especially from someone who could publicly bust him for it. He said it was just a coincidence--that this sort of thing happens all the time. People looking at the same stories come up with the same jokes. He would much rather pay someone a few hundred or thousand bucks for a great idea, than deal with the hassle.

I thought he was pretty convincing. Our listeners didn't. Our families and friends didn't. Eleven years later...I'm still not sure.

Many give the Dancing Itos and the way Leno handled the OJ trial credit for his surge past David Letterman in the ratings. Letterman has never come close to beating him since. The John Landecker show also rode a wave of popularity for several years. We had a good run.

To tell you the truth, it doesn't even matter to me anymore if he stole it or not.

It's a fun story to tell.

With a little help from depends

2006-06-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

There was quite a bit of publicity when Paul McCartney celebrated his 64th birthday a few years ago. He wrote the song "When I'm 64" for the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper album in 1967, and for some reason, none of us ever thought that day would come.

Even though he was looking very young well into his fifties, however, Paul is finally starting to look his age a little bit. He appeared on the cover of a recent AARP Magazine (don't ask how I know), and whoa...

Of course, that wasn't really the first scary Beatles age marker. That probably occured in 2000, when Ringo Starr turned 60 years old. It certainly freaked us out at the John Records Landecker show. It inspired the following song to the tune of "With a Little Help from My Friends". I don't believe we ever performed it live, but it did appear on the 5th Landecker & The Legends CD.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS
(Landecker/Kaempfer)

What would you think if I told you how old,
Ringo is turning this year,
He's 60 years old and before you get worried,
I'll try to allay all your fears,
Ringo stays dry with a little help from Depends,
Yes he keeps dry with a little help from Depends,
His Beatle bum is still dry with Depends

For many years now ol' Ringo's been gray,
(Grecian Formula's well stocked at home)
The hair that he has is in a ponytail,
(And it's swirled to cover up his chrome dome)
But he stays dry with a little help from Depends,
He's a dry guy with a little help from Depends,
His Beatle bum is still dry with Depends.

(He don't need any money)
He's got money to burn
(He just wants his old body)
His digestive system is a concern

(How many times does he wake every night?)
I'm afraid it happens all the time
(I heard that he stays in his bed through the night)
His Depends are the no-leaking kind

So he stays dry with a little help from Depends,
He's a dry guy with a little help from Depends,
His Beatle bum is still dry with Depends

Thank you Mary Ann Childers

2006-06-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

I would like to take this opportunity to thank someone who often comes to mind when I think of my own father, especially on Father's Day: Mary Ann Childers.

Why do I think of the local Chicago news anchor when I think of my Dad?

It's a very odd story. I was the producer of the Steve and Garry show on WLUP, and we did a very special Christmas show one year--a full reading of the stage version of "A Christmas Carol" starring many local celebrities.

Among the celebrities present that day: Mary Ann Childers.

I don't remember what part Mary Ann played, but I remember that I cornered her backstage and asked her to do me a big favor. I told her that my father had a thing for her. He didn't say it was time to watch the news--he said it was time to watch Mary Ann. I asked if she would mind sending me an autographed picture of herself for Dad.

She seemed very flattered, but I really didn't expect her to do it. I figured she was a busy person and this was such a low priority that she probably wouldn't get around to it. That's probably why I was blown away when she sent me her promo picture with a personal note to my Dad saying... "It was a pleasure working with your son, Rick." The picture itself says "To Eckhard--Warmest Wishes for Christmas 1988. Mary Ann Childers."

I'll never forget how excited Dad was when he opened my present to him on Christmas Eve that year. I captured it on film...

Dad died six months later at the age of 54.

After he died I went to his office to clean out his things, and there she was, right in the middle of his desk: Mary Ann Childers. His co-workers told me that he joked with them about this picture all the time, saying that Mary Ann was his secret girlfriend.

Next Sunday is Father's Day. It's always a rough weekend for me. For the first twenty five years of my life, Father's Day weekend was a tribute to Dad. (And not just because it was Father's Day--it was his birthday too.) So, even now--seventeen years later, I struggle to enjoy Father's Day. I can't help thinking of Dad--and how much I miss him.

That's where Mary Ann Childers helps out.

When I don't want my sadness to ruin Father's Day for my kids, all I have to do is think of Mary Ann Childers. I remember how excited Dad was to get this picture from his "girlfriend," and it never fails to bring a smile to my face.

I've seen Mary Ann Childers a few times since Dad died--and I re-thanked her each time. Somehow I still don't think that's enough, so I'll say it again.

Thank You, Mary Ann.

One small gesture from you gave my Dad six months of enjoyment...and gave me seventeen years of comfort.

I'll never be able to repay you for that.

The World Cup

2006-06-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

I wrote this for a magazine called "Upbeat Chicago" in 1993. I was very pumped about the World Cup coming to America (in 1994). When it finally arrived, I went to every game I could. (Including the Opening Ceremonies, where Oprah fell through a hole in the stage--that was worth the price of admission.)

A Tale of Two Topics
by Rick Kaempfer

It is the best of times....

It's time to come out of the closet. I'm ready to accept the ridicule. I am a die- hard soccer fan. Now, hold it right there. Some of you have already written me off as some kind of communist or flower-smeller. What follows is for you. I am like you in many ways. I happen to love All-American Apple-Pie sports.

For instance, I can lose myself in the joy of baseball. The leisurely pace of the national pastime is about as perfect as it gets. Whether I'm on my couch, or sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley sucking in the summer air and the summer brew, I'm as happy as a sports fan can be. I check the box scores every morning before I even read the front page. Yes, I admit that some people think it's a boring game. Nevertheless, I'm an unabashed baseball fan.

Just so you don't think I only enjoy so-called "boring games," let me tell you of my love of football. Quite simply, I consider the fall of 1985 to be the best four months of my life. When my friends and I get together the conversation inevitably leads to that eventful fall. We swap our favorite moments until it builds to the crescendo of the Super Bowl half time comments of Pete Axthelm, which we repeat in fever-pitch unison...."It's men against boys!!"

So, when I tell you that I'm a big soccer fan, I'm not just one of those guys that wears dark socks and sandals and speaks with some kind of funny accent.

I know you didn't grow up with soccer. You may have even tried to watch it a few times and found yourself bored to tears. You may tell me that with the Cubs, Sox, Bears, Bulls, and Blackhawks, you really don't have time to add another sport to your repertoire.

But what about your kids? Have you noticed how much they love soccer? More American kids play soccer than baseball or football. If you really take the time the learn the sport, you'll find that many of the very things that attract you to baseball and football will attract you to soccer. Don't be deceived by the low scores. There is much more to a sport than scoring. Besides, a 3-2 soccer game is the same as a 21-14 football game.

Why do I bring this up? Well, this summer something truly special is coming to Chicago, and I fear you may miss it. The World Cup will bring the best soccer on the planet, and it will be taking place right on Lake Shore drive in Soldier Field. If you even have it in your heart to give soccer a chance, this is the time to do it.

National teams against national teams, playing with emotion like you've never seen. If their teams lose, they won't just have an off-season (hear what I'm saying Blackhawks?), they will disappoint an entire nation. Remember the excitement you felt when the US Hockey team beat the USSR. The whole country was watching and rooting for the Good 'Ol USA. The winners become national heroes. The losers kick themselves for a lifetime.

It's hard to top this kind of drama in sports. So, you say you still don't care?
Soccer is still a game played by foreign guys in cute little short pants?

All I ask is that you watch it with an open mind. Observe the passion and majesty of the game that has a tradition as glorious as baseball. Learn the rules and appreciate the tactics. Marvel at the passing, the off-the-ball maneuvering, the graceful athletes performing tasks unimaginable to the average human. America's best athletes may play basketball or football, but in the rest of the world they play soccer. Check them out, you won't be disappointed.

If we support this World Cup we may have another professional league in this country. A league that the youth of America wants to see. The only people stopping that from happening are the "old-school" American sports fans. Don't be governed by your local sports-page. You don't have to listen to them. Make up your own mind. If you watch it with an open mind, and still find it boring...well, then consider me officially off your back.

******************************************************************
It is the worst of crimes....

Tell me if you’ve ever heard this before...”Pretty soon the criminals will be running this country.”

We see stories all the time of criminals getting off on some legal technicality. We see the crime bosses wearing their fancy suits walking out of court free men. We hear about the crooks that live a life of leisure because crime is so easy and profitable.

Of course, this isn’t true at all. There may be a few isolated examples, but the fact of the matter is criminals are not very smart.

They aren’t committing crimes because they have discovered it is far more lucrative than working for a living. They are committing crimes because they are too stupid to work for a living.

I thought I’d share a couple of my favorite examples from 1993.

The glue caper...
In the Brazilian city of Belo Horizonte, a man was robbing a shop on a Saturday morning that he knew was closed for the weekend. During the course of his brilliant money making scheme, he came across a tank of glue.
He had heard stories of people getting high sniffing glue. As he continued to fill his bag with goodies, he kept thinking about that huge tank of glue. Imagine how high he could get with an entire tank of glue! He put his bag down, walked over to the glue, put his head over the tank and inhaled. He got high. So he sniffed some more. He got higher. Unfortunately, in his glue induced stupor, he accidentally knocked over the tank of glue. He was overcome by fumes and collapsed on the floor. Luckily for him, he came to just a few hours later. Unluckily for him, he was glued to the floor. He lay there for thirty-six hours, before firemen cut him loose.

Hey, it doesn’t just happen in foreign countries. Consider the story of the Maryland man I fondly refer to as the Duke of Earl.....

Earl Lathem was one of those smart criminals that escaped from jail. He had it all figured out. He knew that the cops would never think of looking for him at his mother’s house, so that is where he immediately went. He was a little surprised when they showed up on his mother’s front porch just a few hours later. Luckily, Earl had a back-up plan. They asked him what his name was, and he was prepared with an answer. “My name is Earl, uh, Smith,” came the brilliant reply. He knew the cops would leave and look elsewhere after that remarkable retort. Only one thing snagged this intellectual criminal genius. The police asked him to spell his name. He had to admit he had no idea how to spell Smith, and he was immediately taken into custody.

So the next time you hear about the brilliant criminals taking over the world, remember the story of the glue. The next time you hear about the genius criminals taking over the country, remember the story of the Duke of Earl. It sure helps me sleep better at night.

Reviews for "The Radio Producer's Handbook"

2006-06-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the kind words about the book from media professionals...

RADIO PERSONALITIES

JOHN RECORDS LANDECKER, Legendary Radio Personality, (WIBG, WLS, CFTR, WJMK, and many other stations.)
"Rick Kaempfer was my executive producer for ten years. I’ve had marriages that didn’t last that long. By the end of our long run together, if Rick wasn’t with me in the studio, the show didn’t feel right to me. His co-author John Swanson is another producer I’ve gotten to know over the years. I’ve worked him on select occasions and I greatly respect his abilities. Just look at their collective resumes. In addition to working with me, the two of them have produced for the biggest radio stars in Chicago over the past twenty years, including Jonathon Brandmeier, Steve Dahl and Garry Meier, Kevin Matthews, Steve Cochran, and Eric and Kathy (John’s current job). If these guys tell you this is how to produce a radio show, this is how to produce a radio show. It’s as simple as that."

ERIC FERGUSON AND KATHY HART, Co-hosts of the Eric and Kathy Show on WTMX-Chicago.
"Rick and John have put together the 'must-have' producer handbook. Any success we've enjoyed can be directly attributable to guidance given in these pages."
--Eric

"A must have for anyone in the business or considering the business."
--Kathy

STEVE COCHRAN, Afternoon host on WGN Radio
"Read, learn, and do what's in this book and you will be prepared to do a great show everyday. You also will be able to take care of any lazy, no-good talent in the biz--not that I know anyone like that."

GARRY MEIER, Legendary radio personality
"Behind every successful radio personality you'll find either a DEA agent, a stalker, or great producer, Rick Kaempfer fulfilled one of those roles very well."

SPIKE MANTON, Radio personality, Playwright, and Comedian
"The first training manual for radio producers from someone who has done the job. Rick Kaempfer is the best producer in America. You can guess how to do the job, or you can read the book.”

DOBIE MAXWELL, Comedian and radio personality
"This book is so dead on and packed with useful information that I think they ought to be made required reading by the FCC for anyone who buys a radio station. It's a great resource to have for anyone who is serious about winning in the radio game."

BOB DEARBORN, Legendary radio personality and programmer
"You're way too modest. This is no mere handbook. This is the Radio Producer's BIBLE! And it's not just for the novice producer. The book is an invaluable read for ANYone in radio who wants a better understanding of what it takes to succeed in today's highly competitive marketplace. Even old dogs like me who've been kickin' around this business for more than 40 years can learn new tricks from this excellent book."

TV & RADIO CRITICS

TED COX, TV & Radio critic, The Daily Herald

"Highly recommended for anyone with an interest in the industry."

ROBERT FEDER, former TV & Radio Critic, The Chicago Sun-Times

"The definitive guide. The perfect primer."

PAIGE WISER, Columnist, The Chicago Sun-Times
"This book proves that there's no such thing as 'easy listening' on the radio -- at least not behind the scenes. But the authors show how this tricky business can be navigated with a minimum of difficulty (and a sense of humor)."

TELEVISION PERSONALITIES

BOB SIROTT, Anchor, WMAQ-TV, Channel 5 in Chicago.
"The complete and definitive manual on how to produce today's radio shows. In fact, radio and TV on-air personalities could learn a thing or two here as well. And I'm giving each of the producers of our television program this book too."

ANDY SHAW, News Reporter WLS-Television, Chicago
"A wonderful book by a couple of well respected Chicago radio producers. I've gotta tell you, it's the most interesting and best written technical manual you're likely to come across. "

OTHER RADIO PRODUCERS, CURRENT AND FORMER

JIM WISER, Executive Producer of the Spike O'Dell Show, WGN Radio
"This is a book that should've been written years ago. It was well worth the wait."

JIMMY "Mac" McINERNEY, Production Director, 105.9 WCKG FM (Former producer of Kevin Matthews & Jonathon Brandmeier)
"After 16 straight years in 'The Biz,' I still actually find the info in the handbook indispensable. Real advice and scenarios from real radio professionals. If you are just entering the radio business, read this book. I teach broadcast students on the side and I make the book required reading. Many have used the information to propel themselves into a full time radio career...And then they recommend the book to their peers! Even if radio is not your desired profession, the stories and situations presented in this book make for interesting reading. A no-nonsense 'Behind the scenes' look at the radio business and a valuable source of education."

TOM SERITELLA, Long-time sports producer and programmer, WLUP, ESPN
"This is a true-to-life book written by a true-to-life producer(s). The ups and downs of producing radio are covered by two producers I'm proud to say taught me the meaning of work ethic, 100% accuracy and tolerance."

TOM SOCHOWSKI, Former producer WJMK, WCKG, ESPN.
"The most comprehensive book about how to become a successful producer in a major radio market. If you follow the advice in the book, success will follow you."

RADIO EXECUTIVES

GREG SOLK, VP of Programming for Bonneville Broadcasting
"Rick Kaempfer and John Swanson are at the top of a very short list of 'difference making' radio producers. In this book they give us the secrets to their considerable success, and it's my hope that it helps a whole new generation of radio producers create the kind of quality radio that Rick and John have been producing for the past twenty years."

DAN KELLY, Operations/Program Director, WMMQ-FM/WJIM-FM, Citadel/Lansing, MI
"I passed the book along to one of my “I’ve been through it all and know it all” morning air talents. After getting a cold stare from him he came back after a few days (just this last week) and thought it was one of the best morning show books ever written – and not only suggested additional copies for the other members of his show – but also copies for every air talent on the station. So this morning, I ordered another ten from Amazon – and when they arrive I’ll pass them out at an airstaff meeting - with the suggestion that if reading this book bores you, you ought to find a new line of work. Thanks for putting a great book together."

KIPPER McGEE, Program Director, WLS-Radio
"To have so much solid, useable info and helpful 'how-to' tips in one handy resource is invaluable. All the great war stories and examples by experience are an added plus. This book should be in every producer's arsenal."

LISA PIOVOSI, Marketing Director
"The Radio Producer's Handbook is fabulous! So informative, interesting, funny and easy to read. The book is of course great for people just starting to embark on their careers in radio, as they will learn a ton from the experience of the authors. But it's also great for those of us in the radio industry as well... I was in radio for five years and was completely entertained with the book.. and even learned some interesting tidbits along the way. A must read!"

LEN O'KELLY, PD/WFGR Radio, Grand Rapids

"I've recommended the book to students I've worked with. It gives a very realistic picture of the radio industry - warts and all. There's valuable insight in it for seasoned pros as well."

OTHERS

RICK'S MOTHER (HILDEGARD) AND SISTER (CINDY), pictured here with Rick and brother Pete.

"I haven't read it."
--Hildegard

"I really should read that some time."
--Cindy

For more information about the Radio Producer's Handbook, there are several links on this page, including one to my publisher, one to the book at amazon, and another to the book at barnes & noble.

Burt Constable Article

2006-06-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

Burt Constable is a columnist for the Daily Herald. On May 18, 1999, he wrote the following column about me.

VETERAN CONTEST-KEEPER HITS GOLD ON THE FLIP SIDE

With most contests, veteran radio producer Rick Kaempfer is merely the guy behind the scenes crushing the hopes of listeners vying to be that lucky caller.

"Oldies 104.3, you're caller 6, sorry," the 35-year-old Mt. Prospect man tells the disapointed near misses every weekday in WJMK's $1000 Song of the Day giveaway.

Kaempfer showed up for work at 4:30 a.m. Monday with a new perspective on contests--as a grand prize winner.

"He's an award-winning-writer," gushes on-air personality Catherine Johns, who joins co-host John Records Landecker in telling the world how their show's producer spent the weekend hobnobbing with publishing bigwigs and best-selling authors.

Elmore Leonard, Mary and Chrissy Donnally, Nora Roberts, Lisa Scottoline, Barbara Taylor Bradford, and Maeve Binchy served as judges and selected Kaempfer's story from among more than 4000 entries.

It all began a months ago when Kaempfer, 35, saw a Daily Herald story about Diet Coke's "Living Life to the Fullest" contest.

"For some reason that made me think of my grandfather," says Kaempfer, who used the memory as inspiration for a table about a man who honors important people in his life by adding their names to his own. The story ends with the man dying, and his granson lovingly naming a son after the old man."

Kaempfer's grandfather did die in 1993, and Kaempfer does have a three year old son named Tommy, but "I didn't actually name him after my grandfather because my grandfather's name was Engelbert," Kaempfer notes.

Young Tommy and his one year old brother Johnny got left behind as Kaempfer and his wife Bridget jetted off to New York where they spent the weekend in a $400-a-night room at the Plaza overlooking Central Park.

In addition to talking with writers and publishers about his writing, Kaempfer and his wife dined with authors at the Algonquin Hotel, made famous in the 1920s by Dorothy Parker and other writers of the Algonquin Round Table.

"I had a 14 dollar corned beef sandwich," Kaempfer says, adding, "The authors were really nice."

The couple flew back Sunday night and "I was immediately brought back to earth when I realized it was garbage night."

A graduate of Prospect High School and the University of Illinois, Kaempfer honed his comedy writing skills at Second City, once produced the popular Steve Dahl and Garry Meier radio show, and has been writing comedy routines and wacky parody songs with Landecker for the last six years at WJMK 104.3FM.

"I've always wanted to be a writer," Kaempfer says. "That's my ambition."

While his songs "Viva Viagra" ("Maybe that's not a good example for the Daily Herald") and "Sink the Titantic" ("The movie's too long, he's drinking a Coke, and every scene has water gushing everywhere--you get the picture") won't wow the Nobel Prize folks, Kaempfer now says he has the inspiration to work on a book.

"I just can't tell you how proud I am of him," Johns says. She says everyone at the station is pulling for Kaempfer to make his writing dream come true--up to a point.

"The last thing I want is for him to become a full-time writer and ditch us," Johns says.

Kaempfer's winning story will soon appear on the Diet Coke website as an e-book, and the authors and publishers he met gave him their phone numbers and promised to help his career.

"So now all I have to do is come up with a book idea and write it," Kaempfer says with a laugh. "That's all."

It took me five years, but in 2004, my first book, co-written with John Swanson, "The Radio Producer's Handbook" was published by Allworth Press. In 2007, my first novel "$everance" was published by ENC Press.

For more information about the Diet Coke contest I won (including the original poem that inspired the winning entry), click here: The Man with the World's Longest Name

(Parents of) Friends

2006-05-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

During the years "Friends" was on the air, the stars of that show rarely made it into Chicago. Jennifer Aniston did film a few movies here, and David Schwimmer directed several plays here with his theatre company ("Looking Glass"), but most of the other stars rarely made it into town.

"Friends" was one of those television shows that nearly every age group watched--even the WJMK Oldies audience. And while our listeners watched it, they watched it through slightly different eyes. They saw those kids living in luxurious Manhattan lofts and thought: "How in the world can they afford those places? They must cost $10000 a month."

John Landecker, who had two grown-up daughters about the age of the Friends cast, suggested that their parents must be shelling out the cash. That comment inspired me to rewrite the lyrics to the "Friends" theme song by the Rembrandts. Although I didn't have any kids yet, I thought of John's situation with his daughters, and my little brother who brought his laundry home to mom until he got married, and had some fun with the concept.

The result was the following tune. It was a regular part of the Landecker & The Legends stage show for most of the seven years we toured.

(“Parents of”) “Friends”
By Landecker/Kaempfer

The last time you called home was a month ago today,
You just discovered what they meant by take home pay,
We know it’s hard to start a new career,
When your refrigerator’s, only filled, with pizza and beer,

But-I’ll still pay for you
You know it doesn’t matter when,
I’ll still pay for you,
When your car breaks down again,
I’ll still pay for you,
Now can you lose that new tattoo?

You keep saying that my way of life was wrong,
But you’re getting pretty stoned up in your room tokin’ on the bong,
You’ve completely cleaned the basement out of furniture,
And were still not sure, if your new roommate, is a, him or a her,

But-I’ll still pay for you
I’ll always be your daddy,
I’ll still pay for you,
I cough up money gladly,
I’ll still pay for you,
Now can you lose that new tattoo?

Why don’t you come and visit,
That isn’t too hard is it?
You know your Mother’s lasagna,
is simply exquisite,
Despite your self-assurance,
I still pay your car insurance,
Now you know that life ain’t free,
I’m still here to do your laundry,
Your dirty, stinkin’ laundry, baby.

Now I seem to have had more than my fill,
Of paying telephone and doctor’s medical bills,

But-I’ll still pay for you
You know it doesn’t matter when,
I’ll still pay for you,
When your car breaks down again,
I’ll still pay for you,
Now can you lose that new tattoo?

FCC RULES!

2006-05-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

In recent years, the FCC has imposed heavy fines on television and radio stations (and networks) for indecency. It's actually been a constant battle for decades. While I was the producer of the Steve and Garry Show on WLUP AM 1000, we were cited by the FCC for indecency.

I won't argue the subjective nature of the term. Instead, I'll just site the three different definitions of what is considered obscene material by the Supreme Court.

1) An average person, applying contemporary community standards would find the material, as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest.

2) The material depicts or describes, in a patently offensive manner as measured by community standards, sexual or excretory conduct.

3) The material, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.

Do you understand this? Neither do broadcasters. In 1991 (just after I stepped down as Steve and Garry's producer), it led me to write the following column for Chicago Advertising and Media Magazine. Back then I was a sarcastic 20-something. Now I'm a sarcastic 40-something. The FCC hasn't changed much either.

The F.C.C Rules!
By Rick Kaempfer

I have a confession to make. Outgoing FCC Chairman Al Sikes is a hero of mine. That isn't a statement that will make many friends in the broadcasting industry. Chairman Sikes is one of the most unpopular people ever to hold that position. Yet, I'd like to come to his defense. He has, after all, accomplished two things for which he hasn't gotten enough credit. He has made radio "safe" for children, and he has turned the F.C.C into a viable money making operation.

Sikes made cleaning up radio one of his priorities when he took over. He oversaw changes in the rules that made it a fineable offense to discuss bodily functions of any kind on the radio. He was the visionary that realized radio was responsible for turning America's children into foul-mouthed little devils. It's hard to believe now, but just a few years ago children were saying nasty rhymes like "Beans, Beans, They're good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart." and "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo, Stick your head in doo doo." Pardon my French, but I print these graphic rhymes to illustrate a point. Thanks to the new rule, obscene childhood rhymes like these, are a thing of the past.

I admire his morality, but few moral men manage to combine this with such an acute business sense. He knew that every city had at least a few wacky morning shows. He also knew that these shows ventured into the area of dirty jokes occasionally. Think of your top ten favorite jokes. Are any of them dirty? Don't get me wrong, that Bob Hope is a funny funny guy, but even he also surrounds himself with buxom babes and makes off-color references. And he is America's cleanest comic. So, when Chairman Sikes expanded the rules to also prohibit any words "depicting a sex act", he was displaying his genius business sense. He was just opening up the coffers and letting the money come in. He just waited for letters from outraged "listeners". Case closed, we have a letter to prove it. Now if you wouldn't mind sending us a few thousand dollars, and just make the check out to "The United States Government". Sikes was starting up his own deficit reduction plan before it was fashionable.

Unfortunately, there is a downside to all of this. Sikes is stepping down, and his replacement has some mighty big shoes to fill. Luckily, I have a few suggestions that will carry on the quest of Chairman Sikes, allowing his successor to protect America's children and reduce the deficit at the same time. The new Chairman will come out smelling like a rose, because he or she will have sniffed out the only real problem areas my hero didn't address.

Since Sikes has gotten that pesky First Amendment out of the way, the first order of business should be an outright ban of the words "Less Talk" and "Non-stop music". These may be the most dangerous words of all. Studies have shown that children exposed to disc jockeys saying "Less Talk" every 3 1/2 minutes, lose the ability to reason. These same studies suggest that hearing the phrase "non-stop music" while the music is being stopped, permanently damages a child's capacity for logic. For America's sake, please ban these words. Who knows, this may also be a money making opportunity until the disc jockeys get used to avoiding these phrases.

The second suggestion is long overdue. It is time to ban "Two-first name disc jockeys". Every station has at least one of these. What kind of a message are we sending America's ethnic children? Program directors have an inbred fear of ethnic names. They hire a Bob Sosnowski, and soon the radio public will hear a "Bob Michaels". It's standard. They say; "Just use your middle name and put an "s" at the end of it." On the surface, the logic is sound. You will never forget your new name because your mother used to call you that when she was mad; "Robert Michael, you're in big trouble, young man!" Yet, what kind of a message is radio sending little Spiro Stopanopolis? He is being told he is "different", and will never be allowed to say "less talk" on the radio. This rule is vital and destined to be a big money maker for the F.C.C. Sock it to 'em. Lets get a few bucks back into the treasury of the "Good 'Ol U.S. of A."

I feel very strongly about my free advice. I'm even thinking about changing my name as a protest if these new rules are not enacted. My middle name is James, so from now on, call me "Rick James". Wait a minute. That one is already taken. Wow, I wonder if his real name is "Kaempfer"? Come to think of it, he does look like he could be German.

Mom

2006-05-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

These are the Kaempfer's. Rick, Cindy & Peter standing up, and our mom, Hildegard sitting down.

“Why don’t you ever write about your mom?”

I’ve probably gotten that question a dozen times since I started this blog five months ago. The answer is a little complicated, but let me see if I can explain. First and foremost, Mom wouldn’t appreciate it. She doesn’t like the spotlight. I’ve known this for twenty three years.

In fact, I can remember the exact moment I found out. It was April 1, 1983—somewhere between 6 and 10 a.m. I was on the air on WPGU in Champaign-Urbana, doing the morning show with a girl named Karen. We thought it would be hilarious if I called my mom. I was twenty years old at the time. The call went like this...

Rick: Hi Mom.
Mom: Richard!
Rick: How are things at home?
Mom: Ach, fine.
Rick: Mom, I’m afraid I’ve got some news for you.
Mom: What is it?
Rick: I got married.
Mom: What????
Rick: And she’s on the line. Say hi Karen.
Karen: Hi, Mrs. Kaempfer.
Mom: Hi.
Rick: And we’re expecting.
(Long Silence)
Rick: You still there?
Mom: Mmm. Hmmm.
Rick: Are you OK?
(Even longer silence)
Rick: Mom?
Mom: Mmm. Hmmm.
(Even longer silence)
Mom: You better talk to your father.
Rick: Mom, before you give him the phone, there’s one more thing I need to tell you.
Mom: Oh no.
Rick: April Fools.
Mom: What?
Rick: April Fools. I’m not really getting married. Karen’s not my wife...she’s not even my girlfriend...and we’re not expecting. We’re on the air right now.
Mom: RICHARD, IF I HAD A KNIFE I VOULD STAB YOU!

She really said that.

After that, for some reason, she didn’t want to come on the air with me anymore. She never came on the Steve and Garry show during the nearly five years I produced the show, despite repeated requests from Steve. And she was adamant about it. He pushed especially hard on the day the Berlin Wall came down, but Mom wouldn’t talk to him. My sister eventually did, but she refused his request to get a piece of the wall for him. My mom’s mom (Oma) eventually did talk to him too, but she told him off and hung up on him when he told a Nazi joke.

What can I say? The women in my family are tough. I’ve learned not to mess with them.

I hosted my own show on the Loop in the early ‘90s, and Mom wouldn’t come on. I produced the John Landecker show for ten years, where my German heritage was a regular bit--and Mom wouldn’t come on the show.

When I say she doesn’t like the spotlight, I know what I’m talking about.

Still wondering why I haven’t written about her on the blog?

Mom and I aren’t huggy/kissy/”I love you” close. That’s not the German way. But we are about as close as Germans can be.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for her. When I look at my mom I see a woman who has overcome an enormous amount of adversity—moving to a new country as a teenager, not speaking the language, being forced to work in an abusive old folks home, widowed in her forties, alone for nearly twenty years—and I marvel at her strength.

To be honest with you, I don’t think I could have accomplished a thing in life without my mom. She may not understand me, but she has always been there to back me up, to pick me up off the floor, to push me toward my next destination. When I needed help, there was nobody in the world more reliable. She gave me the one quality that has done more for me than any other—inner strength.

Without Mom, I never would have had the toughness to make it in the cutthroat radio business. Without Mom, I never would have been able to write my book, or my novel, or my blog. Without Mom, I never would have been able to stay at home to raise my kids. I ask for her help and advice literally every day.

She is always there for me. Always helping me in whatever way she can. Always rock-solid. More dependable than any other person on the planet. She’s got my back.

To me, that’s real love.

I’ve got her back too.

And she knows it.

Incurable

2006-05-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote the following story as humor therapy for my wife after we were rejected for health insurance. In 2003 I was let go by WJMK, and Bridget and I applied for private health insurance with Blue Cross/Blue Shield. They rejected us because my oldest son Tommy had gone to a psychologist for "educational support." The school had recommended to us that we get him help, because he had been identified as "highly gifted intellectually."

Apparently, insurance companies consider this kind of child as high risk--because even though we supplied Blue Cross with a letter from the psychologist saying "he has no mental disabilities of any kind--this was just for educational support"--they rejected him again because his condition wasn't considered "Curable." Once you're rejected by one insurance company, no one will touch you. That led Bridget to return to the workforce full-time so that we could get family insurance coverage.

As you might suspect, we found this incredibly irritating. I decided to use that rage and write a satire. That's the background and explanation for the following story....

INCURABLE
By Rick Kaempfer

There was no doubt about the diagnosis. And there was no cure.

Sean Harrison’s little boy was going to have to live with his condition for the rest of his life….however long that may be. The 8-year old boy in the Spiderman pajamas was blissfully ignorant of his fate. Sean leaned over and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

“Good night, Peter,” he said.

“Good night, Dad. Can I read my ecology book in the morning?”

“We’ll talk about it when you wake up,” Sean replied.

“Awww, Dad,” Peter whined.

This was heartbreaking. Sean knew that it wouldn’t have come to this if he hadn’t lost his job. He had to get private insurance for his family, and that’s when he found out about his son Peter’s condition. The skilled underwriters and actuaries at the insurance company were the first to translate the “doctor-speak” in Peter’s medical records, and when they pointed it out to Sean, he felt like such a fool. The diagnosis was right there in black and white.

Peter Harrison has a pre-existing condition.
Peter Harrison is high risk.
Peter Harrison is a genius.

The insurance company had no choice but to reject Peter. The psychologist who tested his IQ had to admit that Peter was incurably gifted. This was a chronic condition. But insurance companies had never before encountered a man with the sort of interminable spirit that Peter’s father Sean Harrison possessed deep within himself. Incurable wasn’t in his dictionary. Sean Harrison was determined to cure his boy. After his wife left for work in the morning, Sean began enacting his plan.

“Up and at ‘em,” Sean said, opening the curtains in Peter’s room.

“Is it time for school already?” Peter asked.

“No school today, young man.”

“Is it Saturday?” he asked.

“No, you’ve gone to school for the last time,” Sean said. He was grinning from ear to ear.

“WHAT?” Peter screamed.

“Calm down, son,” Sean answered, patting the youngster on the head. “You’re nearly finished with second grade already. The rest is all repetition.”

“I don’t understand,” Peter said, scratching his head.

Sean could barely contain a smile. It was working already.

“Today we’re going to watch the Three Stooges all day long,” Sean said; a stack of videos in his hand.

“Can I read my ecology book after the Stooges?” Peter whined.

“I’ve taken all of the books out of the house,” Sean admitted. “From now on, it’s you and me and Mr. TV.”

“But Dad…”

“But nothing. Sit your butt down.”

The lilting tones of the song “Three Blind Mice” came over the speakers as Sean and Peter settled in on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a couple of frosty cold beers.

“Dad, can I have some milk?” Peter asked, ignoring the hilarity on the screen.

“Drink your beer and enjoy the show.”

“But Dad…”

“C’mon, that’s a frosty mug.”

“Dad, why is Moe poking Curly in the eye? That will scratch his retina.”

“It’s called comedy, son. Enjoy.”

“Dad, NO! Tell Curly not to eat that thermometer. Mercury is toxic!”

Sean shut off the TV. This was going to be much more difficult than he could have ever imagined. A lesser man would have quit and resigned himself to his fate. But “quit” and “resigned” were also not in Sean’s dictionary. After all, he had been legitimately laid off.

The door bell rang.

“Ah, your instructor is here, my boy.”

For the first time all day, Peter’s eyes lit up.

“School?”

“I guess you could say that.”

There was something familiar about the imposing man who stood on the other side of the door. Peter was sure he had seen him somewhere before. He was big and strong; his neck the width of Peter’s shoulders. The tattoos on both of his gigantic bare arms were clearly visible. Peter was instinctively afraid of him.

“Where’s dis genius?” the squeaky voice asked.

“That’s him, right there,” Sean said.

“Dad, what’s going on?” Peter asked; his voice nearly as squeaky as the big man’s.

“This is Mr. Tyson,” Sean explained. “He’s going to teach you how to take a punch.”

“DAD!!!!”

“Come on, Mister,” the big man said. “I ain’t gonna hit that kid. He can’t be more than fifty pounds.”

“Forty three and 5/8ths,” Peter quickly corrected.

“If you don’t, he may never get medical insurance,” Sean begged.

“If I do, he’ll need medical insurance,” the big man answered.

“C’mon, Peter. Stick your chin out. It only hurts for a few seconds.”

“DAD!!!”

“Kid, your old man is completely nuts,” the big man squeaked on his way out.

Sean ran after him. “Not incurably!” he screamed down the driveway.

Sean was mentally drained by the time he plopped down on the couch next to his frightened young son.

“Dad, what is going on?”

“Time for some rap music,” Sean exclaimed. He wasn’t going to give up without using his trump card.

“Then can I read my ecology book?”

“You mean after we bust some rhymes.”

“Dad….”

“C’mon, Homey. You gotta schnizzle my grizzle.”

“Dad, you’re embarrassing yourself.”

The music started and Sean got Peter off the couch.

“Watch my fingers. See how the first two fingers stay together as I do this chopping
motion? That’s a classic rap move.”

“Dad, we live in the suburbs.”

“Want to listen to 50 cent or Snoop Dog?” Sean asked.

“What about Mozart?” his son countered. “Mom told me Mozart was composing concertos at my age. My piano teacher taught me the beginning of ‘Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.”

Sean walked over to the stereo and shut if off. He was ready to say uncle.

“Look, son, I’ve got some bad news for you.”

“We’re going to watch some reality TV?”

“No, not until tonight,” Sean said. “I’m afraid this is much worse than that.” Sean put his arm around his young boy. “You got a condition, Peter” he explained.

“You mean I have a condition,” Peter corrected.

Sean winced at the reminder of the problem before him. He patted Peter’s bony shoulder. This was so sad.

“Yes, you have a condition. You see, son, you are what the insurance business calls ‘incurable.’”

“In what way?” Peter asked.

“Peter, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“A molecular biologist, why?”

Sean broke down. The insurance company was so right about this boy. This wasn’t going to be cured by a few punches from a former heavyweight champion of the world. This wasn’t going to be cured by the driving lessons he had booked with Nick Nolte. The tears came from somewhere deep within him. Peter rushed over to hug his weeping father.

“Dad, I’ll be OK.”

“No, you won’t,” Sean explained. “It’s incurable. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but we have no choice. We’re going to have to cut you loose, boy.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve done the math. A broken leg here, a few pairs of broken glasses there, an obvious need for braces, four years at MIT. You’re much too big of a risk. We’re going to have reject your application.”

“Dad,” Peter said. “I’m your son.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes I do, Dad,” Peter calmly explained. “Remember when mom said that there was no way that I could be your son because I was too smart—and she had those DNA tests taken?”

“Those were inconclusive.”

“The odds were something like one billion to one in favor,” Peter reminded him.

“OJ’s odds were like that too.”

“Dad, I look exactly like you.”

Sean slowly wiped the tears from the corner of each eye.

“We can’t get insurance for you,” Sean explained. “You’re eight years old and you may never get insurance again the rest of your life. We just thought you were smart. We didn’t know it was incurable.”

“Can’t you call other insurance companies?”

“Once you get rejected by one company, they all reject you.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Oh Peter. Sweet, sweet, Peter.”

“Dad, is it really so bad to be gifted? What do these insurance companies know?”

“Peter, these people are professionals. Do you need me to bring out the financial pages to show you how well the insurance company stocks are doing?”

“Maybe they have really smart people working for them,” Peter said.

“That’s right, son. And really smart people have decided that being incurably smart is dangerous. Who would know better than them?”

He looked at his frail incurable eight year old boy sitting beside him. And just when it looked like the situation was hopeless, a ray of light appeared.

“What if I decide not to go into molecular biology? What if I go into the insurance business instead?”

What indeed. And a child shall lead them.

Loop Photo Album 1986-1993

2006-04-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

For the majority of my Loop years (1986-1993), I was the producer of the Steve Dahl & Garry Meier Show, but I also hosted my own weekend show on the Loop-FM, and I was the co-host of a show called "Ebony & Ivory" on the Loop-AM. Here are a few pictures and mementos from that era...

The Steve & Garry Logo--Late '80s

On stage with Steve at a sold out Chicago Theatre concert--1989. Yes, show biz is very glamorous.

Some of my Loop favorites: (From Left) John "Swany" Swanson, Jim Wiser, Anne-Marie Kennedy, and Dina Sanchez. Swany and Wiser worked for Brandmeier at the time. Swany is now producer of Eric & Kathy's show at WTMX and Wiser is producer of Spike O'Dell's show on WGN. (Swany also later co-authored "The Radio Producer's Handbook" with me). Anne-Marie and Dina were part of the best promotion department of all time. Anne Marie is now working in a similar position in Boston and Dina does charity work and is raising twin girls.

This is an invitation to the party at Garry Meier's restaurant from the late 80's, "Sabrina". A few very memorable Loop Christmas parties took place there, and so did one of my first dates with my future wife Bridget.

This is Ebony & Ivory. Stan Lawrence (now the co-host of Stan & Terry middays on WCKG) and some white guy who now runs a blog. Our show was on the air on AM 1000 in 1991-1992. In the background behind us is former Loop salesman Bob Kruchten.

On Stage at the Chicago Theatre with Garry Meier (as Cliff). I was one of the Cliff Dancers, and we did a dance number choreographed by future Tony Award winning stage director Robert Falls (I'm not kidding). The Cliff dancers are:(clockwise starting from kneeling left) Mike Bramel, Me, The Bald Handbook co-author Dave Stern (obscured behind Cliff), cabin boy Jim, Shemp, and Mike Davis (back to audience).

Bridget Kaempfer (when she was still Bridget Hyde), Me, Engineer Mike Rugen, and Wendy Snyder. Mike passed away a few years ago--and we all miss him very much. Wendy is now part of the Steve Dahl Show on WCKG.

Applying for Commissioner of Baseball

2006-04-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

In 1997, after Commissioner Faye Vincent had been forced to resign as the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, and Bud Selig had taken over on an interim basis, Selig announced that baseball was looking for a full-time commissioner.

My good buddy Dave Stern thought it would be funny to send in a letter applying for the job. This is the letter he sent:

To Whom it May Concern:

It has come to my attention that you and your colleagues are currently in search of a new commissioner of baseball. You have stated the ideal candidate should be an expert in marketing, television, and labor and have the strong presence to preside over all ceremonial functions. Allow me to address each of your concerns point by point.

*As you see from my enclosed resume, I was the marketing manager of a Kinkos in Champaign.

*My experience is television is vast. Among my (viewing) credits, M*A*S*H, The Donna Reed Show and The Dick Van Dyke Show. I particularly enjoyed the episode where Danny Thomas played Kolak from the planet Twilow.

*My experience in labor is equally extensive. I have rented (and even watched it once) Norma Rae several times. I also worked in a rubber stamp factory in high school, which involved a great deal of manual labor.

*As far as a strong presence during ceremonial events, my excellent performance opening the Ark at my niece's Bat Mitzvah and breaking the glass at my wedding are among my all-time highlights. Videos available upon request.

Finally, I feel my greatest asset is my name. Imagine if both the NBA and MLB had commissioners named "David Stern"! That's the kind of free publicity you couldn't buy.

Sincerely,

David Stern

P.S. My baseball knowledge is also superb. My 120-42 record in Sega Genesis speaks for itself.

The funniest part of this story, is that he actually got a few responses. First from Bud Selig himself.

Dear Mr. Stern:

Thank you for your recent letter.

I appreciate your interest in the Commissioner's job and I will certainly share your letter with members of the Commissioner Serach Committee which has just been convened.

Thank you for taking time to write to me and for your interest in Major League Baseball.

Sincerely,

Allan H. Selig, Chairman
Major League Executive Council

He also got a letter from the office of Peter O'Malley, the President of the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Dear Mr. Stern:

Peter O'Malley is currently out of town, but I know he will appreciate your thoughtful letter which arrived this morning. We are grateful to you for taking the time to write and we believe that baseball will soon identify a full-time, outside, independent commissioner and restore the public's confidence in the game.

Best Wishes.

Tasha Duncan
Administrative Assistant to Peter O'Malley

We followed Dave's quest on the John Landecker show, and thought it was quite humorous, but to me, the funniest response came a month later from Heidrick and Struggles, Executive Search Consultants. Obviously Dave's name had been passed along to them by Peter O'Malley and Bud Selig.

Dear Mr. Stern:

Thank you very much for your interest in the postiion of Commissioner of Major League Baseball.

At this stage, many candidates are under consideration for this poition. We will share your credentials with the appropriate individuals and will contact you should we need further information.

Again, thank you for your interest.

Sincerely,

Theodore Jadick
Managing Partner

Needless to say, Dave didn't get the job.

It is a little easier to see, however, why Bud Selig took himself.

The Intern Commandments

2006-04-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

About this time of year college students are starting to get internships lined up for the summer. I've probably had close to a hundred interns during my radio career and maybe a handful of them (5 or 6) took the job seriously. Of those, all of them eventually got jobs in the highly competive radio business. The rest did not.

This excerpt from my book (co-written with John Swanson) "The Radio Producer's Handbook" is my best explanation for what to do if you manage to get an internship. It sounds like I'm joking here. I'm not at all.

The Unwritten Intern Commandments: Dealing with the Host

We both began our major market radio careers as interns. We didn’t know these rules when we walked through the door. However, we didn’t break them. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, it’s really not that hard to follow these rules. There is nothing unseemly about them. Secondly, we naturally treated the hosts with respect because we naturally respected them, and we treated the hosts as stars because we really thought of them stars. If you do the same thing, you won’t have any problems.

The unwritten Intern Commandments are as follows:
*Thou shalt not “sass” a host, even jokingly, even if the host is jokingly “sassing” you.
*Thou shalt not speak to a celebrity guest, unless spoken to.
*Thou shalt never repeat a story you hear the host or celebrity tell “off the air.”
*Thou shalt not make any references at any times to the host’s physical imperfections.
*Thou shalt not bug the host to pay for something just because he “makes a lot of money.”
*Thou shalt never bug the host to put you on the air.
*Thou shalt not bring your friends in to see the show.
*Thou shalt not eat the free food before the host gets a crack at it.

We’ve seen some very smart interns fall victim to the unwritten intern commandments. We’ve seen interns accidentally break them even after having been warned repeatedly. It happens most often after an intern begins to feel a little comfortable. He starts joking with the host, who initially appears to be enjoying it. The intern forgets that he is not the host’s peer, and begins joking with him like he would joke with his buddies. The host doesn’t take kindly to being ribbed by someone who hasn’t “paid his dues.” That’s usually when the hammer falls.

Here is a tip to make sure you never accidentally break the unwritten intern commandments. Imagine the host as Tony Soprano or any Joe Pesci character. You are allowed to get comfortable with him, but anything you say or do can still get you whacked without warning if you don’t show the proper respect. It really isn’t that hard to do.

The Unwritten Intern Commandments: Dealing with Everyone Else

Now that we’ve gotten the etiquette of treating a star out of the way, let’s address the etiquette in dealing with everyone else at the radio station. If you have any common sense at all you’ll follow these rules naturally. Nevertheless, it doesn’t hurt to spell them out. These are rules any intern in any business should follow. Let’s not forget that radio is a business too. And if you don’t treat this internship the same way you would treat a job, no one will ever consider hiring you for a real job.

The other unwritten Intern Commandments are as follows…

*Thou shalt not complain about gofer tasks.
*Thou shalt not complain about (lack of) pay.
*Thou shalt not show up late or completely blow off work.
*Thou shalt not complain about the hours.
*Thou shalt not ignore basic human hygiene.
*Thou shalt not work on a personal project without permission.

Every paid employee at the radio station will expect you to live by those rules. You have to always keep in mind why you are doing this. Yes, you’d rather be doing something more rewarding than getting someone coffee at 4:30am for zero dollars, but think of the big picture. You can’t complain about the pay, or the hours, or the gofer tasks because you knew what you were getting into when you took the internship.

If you didn’t, let us spell it out. You are at the bottom of the totem poll. The bottom. There’s no one underneath you. Just do what you’re asked to do and do it with a smile. Even if you get frustrated occasionally, you’re going to have a great time more often than not. Radio is fun. It’s not like people will try to torture you or take advantage of you. Most people at most radio stations are very nice. And if you go in with a positive attitude, those people will notice. When the time comes, they will do whatever they can to help you get a paying job.

I know this sounds a little harsh, but that's my best and most honest advice. In a future post I'll share some true interns stories that you won't believe. How do I know this? My editor didn't believe them either and asked me to take them out of the book, which I did.

The Radio Producer's Handbook, by the way, is still available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon, and also through my publisher Allworth Press.

Pierzynski At The Bat

2006-04-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

The day after the White Sox won the World Series in 2005, John Landecker was hosting the morning show on WLS Radio. He asked me to write a parody of "Casey at the Bat" for the show that morning. This is what I sent him. (It was posted on the WLS website for awhile.)

“Pierzynski at the Bat”

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the White Sox nine that day,
The Angels led one game to none, game two was slipping away,
And then when AJ got strike two, and missed strike three the same,
A pall-like silence fell upon all the Sox fans at the game,

The Angels catcher tossed Pierzynski’s ball out to the mound,
But AJ turned and ran to first, with outrage all around,
The umpire calmly stood his ground, achieving instant fame,
And AJ somehow found a brand new way to win a game,

The White Sox never lost again, and shining stars were born,
Each time Joe Crede came to bat the other team would mourn,
And he and Juan Uribe were magicians with their gloves,
And Paul Konerko was the home run hero we all love,

When Ozzie came out to the mound, he motioned round and fat,
And Bobby Jenks showed the Astros why he wanted that,
And little Scott Podsednik hit the home run in Game 2,
And the White Sox starting pitching was like a dream come true,

In Game 3’s fourteenth inning the Astros fans were glum,
Beaten by a former Astro named Geoff Blum,
And Jermaine Dye had a shining moment in game four,
When he knocked in the winning run, the White Sox shut the door.

And though each game was close and tight, the White Sox never feared,
Ever since A.J.’s run to first, they knew this was their year,

And now the catcher catches the ball, and now he lets it go,
and now the air is shattered by the AJ we all owe,
Oh, somewhere in this country, some fans are screaming foul,
But White Sox fans say let them scream, let them cry and growl,

Cause White Sox fans are laughing, and White Sox fans can shout,
The south side is rejoicing,
Pierzynski has struck out.

Bobbitt Flashback

2006-03-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

PG WARNING: The content of this post could be offensive to the easily offended...If you are easily offended, please don't read it.

If you weren't living in a cave in 1993 and 1994, you remember the story of John Wayne Bobbitt well. His wife severed his manhood, and she threw it in a field somewhere.

The police found it, and it was reattached.

I was the producer of John Landecker's show when this story broke, and because of the popular song John and I wrote about it, the publisher of Chicago Advertising and Media magazine (a magazine I wrote for before joining the radio show) asked me to write a story about the Bobbitt material being done in Chicago.

The following is my published report from 1994.

A “Slice” of Modern Radio Life

It was a case that swept the nation. Just say the word “Bobbitt” and you are bound to get an immediate reaction. Everybody has an opinion about the case, and everybody was talking about it.

Every respectable television news anchor on every network and local station had to say the word “penis” on the air every night for virtually six months. Every comedian in the country has a “Bobbitt-hunk”. I followed the late night TV talk shows for six weeks, and David Letterman and Jay Leno did Bobbitt jokes nearly every night. Leno skipped the topic seven times in six weeks. Letterman skipped it four times.

The Bobbitts may have also single-handedly changed the face of radio. Subjects that no one dared discuss in the pre-Bobbitt days, were commonplace in the “Bobbitt-era” on virtually every morning radio show in Chicago. I decided to call them up and get their best “Bobbitt-material”. Nine morning shows responded to my call.

WBBM-FM (B-96) Eddie & JoBo
One liners were a regular part of the Eddie and JoBo program. They offered up their favorite Bobbitt-joke to me: “What’s the difference between Bob Barker and Lorena Bobbitt? Barker is a slick pricer.....”

WJMK-FM (Oldies 104.3) John Landecker
(FULL DISCLOSURE: I am the producer of this show)
Landecker also offered up a slew of one-liners. “Did you hear that John Bobbitt is legally changing his name....to Les Johnson?” “Now that the Bobbitts are legally divorced, John is once again unattached”. Landecker’s “Bobbitt Song” was also the #1 request item at the station. To the tune of “If you wanna be happy” by Jimmy Soul, the chorus of his song goes like this: “If you wanna make Lorena Bobbitt your wife, you better hide the butcher knife. John Wayne Bobbitt found out that’s true, when she woke him cutting off his wazoo.” He also incorporated a series of “Bobbitt-party games” into his live stage show; “Bobbitt-ing for Wieners”, “The Bobbitt-Wiener Toss”, and “Pin the Bobbitt on the Bobbitt”.

WLS-AM/FM (Talk Radio) Don & Roma Wade
Don & Roma, for the most part, gave it the talk-radio treatment. They spoke daily to Court-TV reporter Christian Jennette Meyers. She gave them updates live from Manassas. Of course, they didn’t stay away from the comedy treatment of the issue. Don predicted “She’s gonna get off”, to which Roma replied “That’s more than he can do”.

WLUP-FM (The Loop) Kevin Matthews
Matthews gave the subject his conceptual comedic touch. He referred to Bobbitt’s reattached organ as “Frankenpenis”, implying that they had mistakenly attached the wrong penis. He created elaborate “Frankenstein-like” situations for Bobbitt.

WMVP-AM (Sports-1000) Steve Dahl
Naturally, it comes as no surprise that Dahl covered the Bobbitt experience. He played audio clips of virtually every news anchor and reporter saying the word “penis”. Dan Rather, John Drury, Connie Chung, Jay Levine, Lester Holt, Warner Saunders, Deborah Norville, Penny Daniels, Robin Robinson, and Bill Kurtis were all featured. He also composed an original “Bobbitt-song”. The funniest line of the song is “I just wanna be your hubby, so don’t call me stubby.”

WPNT-FM (FM 100) Steve Cochran
Cochran came to town just in time for the Lorena Bobbitt trial. One day, he asked listeners to come up with alternative words for “penis”. The newsman on his show would then use that word. He spent one day using the word “woodchuck”. He also had a news reporter calling in from the trial, Dora Hasen. She told the show about the various different T-shirts being hawked, and the “hot dog”specials at the local restaurants. The “Bobbitts” were also discussed in the pre-Cochran era. Before Cochran arrived, the FM-100 morning show spent an entire day composing Bobbitt limericks in honor of Mike Royko’s column.

WTMX-FM (101.9) Brant Miller
Miller and his program director Barry James both felt that the issue was a little too touchy to be handled in a comedic way. They intentionally stayed away from it.

WUSN-FM (US-99) JD & The Katman.
John “The Katman” Katzbeck put together a little parody song in honor of the Bobbitts. It was called “Lorena’s eyes” and was to the tune of “Alibis” by Tracy Lawrence. The chorus went like this: “Lorena’s eyes and alibis, Hide the steak knives. Lord knows she threw it out the windows to the birds, don’t worry she’s getting severence pay.” The song also includes little fake commercials for both Lorena and John. Lorena hawks the “Vegomatic”, and John does a spiel for American Express...”Don’t leave home without it”.

WXRT-FM (93.1) Lin Brehmer
Brehmer called me up to tell me he didn’t do any Bobbitt jokes. “Unless I make them up on the spot, I really don’t have any. I guess I didn’t have my finger on the pulse of the community.”

Don’t worry, Lin. If the public wanted Bobbitt jokes, they didn’t have a hard time finding them.

The song we wrote was a staple of our live shows for years. Here are the lyrics to the tune of "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life," an oldie by Jimmy Soul. The late Chicago Tribune Pulitzer Prize Columnist Mike Royko, who spent weeks publishing Bobbitt limericks, pulled me aside at a party at his friend Tim Weigel's house to tell me that he thought this was brilliant. Granted, he had a glass of gin in his hand at the time, but I'll always remember that moment.

"If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife"

By John Landecker & Rick Kaempfer

If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
Just make sure you hide the butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazoo,

Lorena said John wasn't treating her well,
So he wound up in a prison cell,
When he got acquited Lorena scoffed,
"That's the last time that he gets off"

It's a story we all have heard,
The controversy that it has stirred,
The story of their marital strife,
That ended gruesomely with a knife,
She just sliced off his manhood,
And then she tossed it in the woods,
They say the grass there did go grow greener,
Fertilized by his sliced off wiener,

If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
Just make sure you hide the butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazoo,

(INST-BRIDGE)

We know how it will end of course,
The Bobbits will wind up divorced,
Their problems simply cannot be patched,
And John is once again unattached,

If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
Just make sure you hide the butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazzoo,

(INST & Talking)

Lorena said John wasn't treating her well,
So he wound up in a prison cell,
When he got acquited Lorena scoffed,
"That's the last time that he gets off",
If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
You better limit your marital strife,
She really knows how to wield that blade,
Every night you'll go to sleep afraid,
If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
You better hide your butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazoo.
(fades)

This song is available on Landecker and the Legends, Volume 1.

The Birth of Johnny Kaempfer

2006-03-09T00:03:00.000-08:00

The date was March 12, 1998.

The headline on the Chicago Sun Times front page: “Cicero deal halts Rally by Klan”
The headline on the Chicago Tribune front page: “Clinton plans to join Ulster peace talks”
The headline on the Daily Herald front page: “Clinton refuses to say whether he will testify to grand jury”
The headline on the New York Times front page: “The World of Paula Jones”

But the biggest story was happening in Mt. Prospect, and only one reporter was on hand to break the story....Me. I called into the John Landecker show that morning to report the news flash. The cast of characters included John Landecker, sidekick Catherine Johns, and newsman Richard Cantu.

The following is a transcript of that important phone call.

John: Oldies 104.3, John Records Landecker, it’s 8:27, and joining us on the phone from the maternity ward is the producer of the program, Rick the German Boy Kaempfer. Good morning, Rick.

Rick: Good morning.

John: Rick, tell us what’s going on.

Rick: Well as long as we’re plugging our kids (John had just plugged his daughter’s play), I’ve got a new one to plug.

John: Aaaawwwwright!

Rick: Last night around eleven thirty Bridget’s water broke and we didn’t even have time to make it to the hospital downtown, so we went to the one out here.

Catherine: Oh, is that right?

Rick: And we have a new baby boy!

(Cheering and clapping in the studio)

Richard: Whoo Hooo! Congratulations. Two knucklehead boys!

Rick: And it’s a big one too.

Catherine: How big?

Rick: 8 pounds, 6 ounces.

Catherine: That is pretty big. How’s Bridget doing?

Rick: She’s doing real well. I’m at home now. I came home to check on Tommy...

John: Wait a doggone minute! You went home to check on your other child before you called the show? Where are your priorities?

Rick: Sorry, forgive me. I’m hopelessly out of whack.

John: OK, 8 pounds. How long was it?

Rick: 21 inches...if you know what I’m saying.

Catherine: We know what you’re saying.

John: No, how long was the baby?

Rick: Oh, the baby?

Richard: Once more into the gutter.

John: So what time was this kid born?

Rick: Two o’clock in the morning. They kicked me out of the hospital at 4:00, because Bridget has to share a room, and I came home and got a little sleep, and Tommy just woke me up, so I’m calling you right away.

John: So you’ve called all your family I hope.

Rick: Bridget called them.

John: But she had the baby.

Rick: Yeah, she had the baby in about two hours. It wasn’t that bad, although that’s easy for me to say. She was fine, what a trooper.

Catherine: And she wanted to chat, right?

Rick: Exactly.

Catherine: Now I want to know something. Does this child have a name?

Rick: Oh yes he does. His name is John Richard Kaempfer.

John: Wow.

Richard: You honor us, Sir.

John: Was he named after anyone?

Rick: Well, my favorite Beatle is John.

John: John Lennon.

Rick: And of course, my favorite DJ....

John: Really?

Rick: Yup. John Brandmeier.

(Everyone laughs)

John: OK, you got me.

(Call waiting clicks)

Rick: And actually John is also a name in Bridget’s family. Her grandfather was named John. And so is her brother.

(Call waiting clicks again)

John: I see you got baby waiting there.

Rick: Yeah, I think I may be popular today.

John: Well, we’ll let you go. Congratulations on the big news! So you’ll be back to work tomorrow, right?

Rick: Uh...well...

Catherine: John!

John: Just kidding, just kidding.

Rick: See you later.

John: There he goes. Proud papa.

(Click)

John: Oh wait! Darnit! I forgot to ask him if he taped it.

Richard: Are you kidding? Of course he did.

John: Because if there was ever a disc jockey who knows how to exploit a child, it’s....

2 year old Tommy Kaempfer singing the jingle: John Records Landecker, Oldies 104.3.

Of course, I did tape it, by the way. It aired the next day. Friday the 13th.

By the time Johnny was three he was doing movie reviews and jokes on the radio. He also accompanied the show to the Dominican Republic for a live broadcast.

I kept a journal about the boys when they were babies. This is what I wrote about Johnny's birth...

3/12/98

The baby was already a week late, but it seemed like a month late. Bridget and I had been expecting the arrival two weeks before the due date (3/5) because her doctor said that he thought the baby was going to be early. The wait had become unbearable. We finally gave in and decided to schedule the inducement for Friday. This freaked me out because it was Friday the 13th. It would have been one thing to just have the baby on the 13th. I felt like it was tempting fate to actually schedule the birth to occur on the 13th. As it turned out, it didn’t happen.

It was Wednesday night, and we were all packed up. I wrote the outline of the show for Thursday knowing that it would be the last show before I took a leave of absence. I knew that I didn’t have to worry about getting a good night’s sleep, so at around 11:30PM I was in the basement listening to the Beatles “Rubber Soul” CD, when Bridget came bounding down the stairs.

“WE HAVE TO GO. MY WATER BROKE”.

This time I was much more relaxed than I was with Tommy. I didn’t go into a sitcom panic right away. Instead, I calmly called Cindy (my sister) on the phone. She was the ordained person to watch Tommy while we headed to the hospital. Her phone rang twice and the answering machine picked up. Uh oh. I called again. Same thing. I realized that everyone’s guard was down because we had scheduled the inducement. Nobody is on alert! Now I went into my sitcom panic.

I couldn’t call my Mom because she had a bad cold, and therefore couldn’t watch Tommy. We had to drive all the way into Chicago, and we were losing valuable time looking for someone. On a lark, I called Gerty (my aunt). Martina (my cousin) just happened to be home and I asked her to come over as soon as she could. Meanwhile, Bridget was starting to have contractions at a very rapid interval. We called her doctor, and he said not to worry--there is plenty of time to still come downtown. However, as we waited for Martina to show up, Bridget’s contractions intensified and came at even closer intervals. We called her doctor again, and he said to go the nearest hospital first and have them check if it was OK to make it all the way downtown. (I was envisioning a tollbooth birth)

Cindy and Martina showed up around the same time, and we headed over to Northwest Community Hospital. By now Bridget was screaming in pain. A sailor would have blushed at the words coming out of the dainty mouth of my little woman. Martina and Cindy looked on in horror. (Martina later said that was the closest she ever wanted to get to labor).

When we got to the hospital, we had to fill out some forms. We weren’t pre-registered, you see. After about ten seconds of Bridget’s screaming, they took her in the emergency room and had me continue to fill out the forms. Bridget looked at the nurse and asked if she could get some drugs for the pain. The nurse couldn’t look her in the eye and said the doctor would have to answer that question. We knew the answer. When I got back to the emergency room, the doctors said it was time for Bridget to start pushing. Whoa. I guess we’re not going downtown tonight after all.

The labor itself was quick. Two hours after the first contractions started, we had a brand new bouncing baby boy. Once again, we didn’t have a name picked out. We had the name “Grace Anne” chosen for the girl’s name, but we had about five names on the boy’s list. Since I had chosen Tommy, I let Bridget pick this name. Of course, after squonking out a baby, you really aren’t in the mood to make any major decisions.

I helped the process along. Soon, we had it down to two choices….James and John. Bridget liked the name James better, but she wanted to call him “Jamie”. I couldn’t stand that for a boy, but I agreed to call him “James” or “Jim”. Neither one satisfied her, so went back to the name John. We had the same trouble with the middle name. We liked the name “Stuart” as the middle name for James, but nothing seemed to sound right with John. We almost went back to James, until she came up with the middle name Richard.

That was it. Our second born child was born on March 12th at 2:00 on the nose. He was 21 inches long, weighed 8 pounds and 6 ounces and was named…JOHN RICHARD KAEMPFER.

We were both exhausted because it was so early in the morning, and I went home because Bridget had to share a room. I got home around 4AM, woke up at 7:30 with Tommy, and called the radio show at 8:30. (We have that phone call on tape). I called all of my relatives, Bridget called all of hers, and just about everyone else heard it on the radio. At about 9:30, Martina woke up. She was the last one to officially hear the news, because she slept through all of the excitement on the couch in our living room.

Johnny B

2006-03-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

I wrote the following article for a magazine called "Chicago Airwaves" in 1993 to coincide with Jonathon Brandmeier's 10th anniversary on the air in Chicago. This was just after he moved to the afternoon slot on WLUP.

He has bounced around the dial a bit since then, doing different timeslots (mornings, afternoons, middays) at different stations (WLUP, WCKG, and two stations in Los Angeles), but is now back to the radio station and timeslot that made him famous: Mornings on the Loop. Please enjoy this trip back in time...

COVER STORY: APRIL ’93--CHICAGO AIRWAVES MAGAZINE
Jonathon Brandmeier: Celebrating Ten Years of Mayhem

I had a childhood friend named Nick. Nick was the ringleader. He got all of us to do things that we never would have done in a million years. It was a genetic talent. Occasionally we would tire of Nick always being in charge, and one of us would try to take control. It was never the same. We would always return the reigns to Nick. No one was more comfortable being the center of attention. Even our mothers loved him. He was a dangerous mix of charisma, charm, and absolute fearlessness. Without him, our childhood would have been boring.

Multiply Nick by a hundred, and you get Johnny B.

It’s hard to remember Chicago radio without Johnny. Ten years ago he came to Chicago amid much fanfare, and was anything but an overnight sensation. Most of us have vague memories of him storming through those TV spots as Mr. T. We didn’t know what to make of him at first. Despite comparisons to Steve Dahl, his show was really much different. Steve was more of the classroom smart-aleck. Johnny B was the ringleader. The ringleader can be annoying to anyone outside of his gang, but once you get in the gang, you’ll walk over hot coals for him. It didn’t take long before Johnny’s genetic talents brought just about everyone into his gang. Without him, the last ten years would have been boring. It’s been quite a ride.

In radio, success is measured by cold hard statistics. Johnny has been a success by those standards. His ratings in the morning were astronomical, particularly in the most desirable 25-54 year old demographics. His ratings in the afternoon, while not quite at the same level, are still very respectable. Listening to his morning show had become a habit, and not everyone has gotten adjusted to switching him on in the afternoon (on a different station, no less, AM 1000).

Of course, his “troops” aren’t just casual listeners. They’re fanatical. Johnny has ridden the wave from success to success. His band, the Leisure Suits, has set attendance records at places like Poplar Creek Music Theatre, Alpine Valley, and the UIC Pavillion. So, you couldn’t get tickets to the sold out show? Fine, buy Chicago’s top selling video from ’89. You could have picked it up at 7-11. Don’t have a VCR? Fine, buy one of his tapes or CDs. He released one in 1984 that was Chicago’s top selling album. The one he released during Christmastime in 1986 outsold Springsteen’s live boxed set in Chicago. Just don’t feel like leaving the house? Fine, tune in his NBC television show. OK, so that wasn’t exactly Emmy material. He still leads the league in successful side gigs.

Yet, the main thing is still the radio show. Johnny is funny, Buzz Kilman (his newsman/bluesman/sidekick) is great, and just about every celebrity on the planet calls in; but the real stars of the show are the listeners. They call in and tell him what’s going on in town. They send him letters with bit ideas. They send him songs or “wacky weenies” promoting the show. Johnny simply takes it and runs with it. Before they know it, they’re wearing underwear on their head in a busy intersection, or they’re blowing up their speakers at his request. It’s just good clean fun.

Just ask Kevin Krause of Palatine. A few weeks ago the entire show took place at his house. When it was all said and done, the neighborhood had done the show for Johnny. Kevin, a budding meteorologist, did the weather (Johnny blew in a call to Tom Skilling and had him critique the performance—he asked Kevin to apply for an internship). Kevin’s friends were the live house band. Johnny sang along with them a few times, but they provided the music. The Mayor of Palatine, Rita Mullins, stopped by. Before she left, Johnny had her singing “I am Woman.” No matter what was happening, if the doorbell rang, Johnny would stop the proceedings and get the door. The show had the feel of a family gathering. Johnny had charmed Palatine, and made each and every one of them a star for the day.

It’s to his credit that he is just as comfortable at somebody’s house as he is doing an extravaganza. On April 1 he celebrated his tenth anniversary in Chicago. On April 2nd, the Chicago Theatre was filled to the rafters with his fans for Johnny’s Blowout Bash. Johnny knows how to throw a party. The celebrities were there in force to put on a show, but Johnny made sure that some of the people who made him what he is today were there too. Some of his favorite “Wacky Weenie” contributors got to perform their songs live. His fans were so devoted that some of the weeny ovations were as loud as the ovations received by the Bodeans during their live set on the show.

So now that the ten year celebration has taken place, what’s next for Johnny B? One of the main reasons he switched over to afternoons in the first place, was so that he could syndicate his show to other markets. The competition in the afternoon isn’t nearly as fierce, and very few cities have a show of Brandmeier’s caliber in that timeslot. When he first announced the change he told us; “I’d like to be on the air and rolling by April 1, 1993. I’m doing the show anyway, so what’s the difference? All we’ve got to do is turn it on somewhere. It’s not like my show is going to change. They’re going to take the show as it comes or they don’t take the show at all. I think that’s what Stern’s done very well…take it or don’t take it.”

I guess they’ll find out that “We’re all crazy in Chicago.”

We’re actually not that crazy. We just have a fun ringleader. Thanks for the ride, Johnny.

Rick’s Note: A few months after this article was published, Steve Dahl & Garry Meier’s fourteen year partnership fell apart, and the Loop was suddenly without a morning show again. After trying Kevin Matthews in that slot for awhile, the Loop eventually turned to Johnny B again. His ratings were huge again.

He's the President

2006-02-23T00:02:00.000-08:00

It was the golden age of Presidential comedy. The President of the United States from 1993--2000 was beloved by many, but trust me when I tell you that nobody loved him more than the nation's comedy writers.

David Letterman started featuring classic Clinton jokes a year or two into Bush's first term because he missed the comedy potential so much. Jay Leno would go weeks without doing jokes about anyone else. The Daily Show cut it's comedic teeth during these years.

In the 1990s, we could laugh as one country, united in the realization that we were living in the golden age of Presidential comedy. A blue dress. A cigar. A really unpleasant whistle blower. An uptight First Lady. A chubby intern. An independent prosecutor who leaked the most lurid details. A Congressman leading the impeachment who himself had a youthful indiscretion (at age 41). An impeached President with a 70% approval rating. A 6-foot tall female Attorney General who kick any one of our butts. "It depends on what your definition of is is."

I could go on and on. I'm tearing up a little now remembering how easy it was in those days...

The John Landecker Show certainly took part in the comedy free-for-all. We had not one, not two, not three, but four songs about the President: "Big Macarena," "Intern with the Blue Dress On," "The Chipmunks Impeachment Song," and "He's the President." The biggest hit was "He's the President," which appears on Landecker & the Legends, Volume 5. Picture if you will, a man with a President Clinton mask on, dancing on-stage with the Legends as John sang this song. It was a regular part of our stage show for three or four years.

"He's the President"
(Landecker/Kaempfer)
(To the tune of "The Wanderer" by Dion)

Well there was slick Willie, talking on TV,
Said he didn't perjure based on technicalities,
We all loved his TV song and dance,
What's the matter with you Clinton can't you keep it in your pants?

He's the President,
Yeah he's the President,
In charge of foreign and domestic affairs.

Before you get feathers and before you get your tar,
JFK did it, and so did FDR,
Harding had a love child, Bill never went that far,
He just treated the oval office like the back seat of a car.

He's the President,
Yeah he's the President,
In charge of foreign and domestic affairs.

Well the ladies all look so fine,
And Bill wandered all the time,
With women 18 to 69,
But when it came to Janet Reno that's where Clinton drew the line.

Though Starr may be hated and the same with Linda Tripp,
Bill wouldn't have these problems if he just kept it zipped,
Now the only thing that's stiff is Bill's upper lip,
Or Hillary will go Bobbitt, she won't hesitate to snip.

The President.
Yeah he's the President,
In charge of foreign and domestic affairs.

So the whole country watched, the President's speech,
And some of us forgave him, and some of us preached,
But there's only a few hundred that he really had to reach,
The members of Congress with the power to impeach,

The President
Yeah, the President.
In charge of foreign and domestic affairs.

Hats off to Harry

2006-02-15T22:06:00.000-08:00

Milo Hamilton, the Houston Astros Play-by-Play man and former Cubs broadcaster, has written a book. In the book "Making Airwaves", he has taken quite a few shots at a Chicago icon--Harry Caray.

Among the things he wrote about Harry in his book:

*After Harry left the White Sox to take over the Cubs job, he talked to Milo. Harry told him "Well, kid, if I were you, I'd leave town."

*Milo didn't like the way he broadcasted. "He rode the managers, he rode the players, it didn't matter. He treated everyone the same way. In short, he was a miserable human being."

*When Milo was hospitalized for leukemia in 1982, Harry responded on the air that he "Couldn't understand how a guy can take time off during the season. Unlike some other broadcasters I know, I've never missed a game."

In my nearly twenty years in Chicago radio (and even before that), I ran into Harry Caray many times. Does Milo's version of Harry sound like the Harry I knew? Judge for yourself. Here are a few examples of my Harry encounters.

*In 1984, my radio station in Champaign (WPGU) was carrying the Cubs. I got to go to the affiliate reception at the Hyatt Regency in Chicago with the General Manager of our station (who happened to be my girlfriend at the time). We met Harry, had a few cocktails with him, and he nearly pushed me out of the booth to hit on my girlfriend.

*In 1989, I was producer of the Steve and Garry show. It was their tenth anniversary on the air together, and I called people from their past to relive the memories on the air. Since Harry was the play-by-play man for the White Sox during Steve & Garry's famous Disco Demolition stunt, I called him at his home (he lived in a hotel in my neighborhood). When I told him what show I was calling for, he went nuts on me, and called Steve and Garry every name in the book. Needless to say, he didn't come on. (In fairness to Harry, I called Jimmy Piersall next and he was even more belligerent. I hadn't even heard some of those words before. Whew.)

*In 1994, I was the producer of the John Landecker Show. It was the week before the strike and Harry was our guest. We told him the interview would be about two things; the strike and Harry's encounter about Elvis (a great story we had heard him tell to Bob Costas. Remember, this was an Oldies station.) When John brought up Elvis, Harry said he didn't want to tell the story. When John said he thought the strike was really going to happen, Harry basically called John stupid--saying that there "was no way in hell that will happen. There's too much money at stake." The interview lasted about two minutes.

Granted, I cherry-picked those stories from my many encounters. There were other times he was a great guy, an accomodating guy, and a fun guy. I was actually a huge fan, and I never took any of this stuff personally. For every bad encounter, there wa s a good one. In short, he was human.

So is Milo right? Probably. Is Milo wrong? Definitely.

I could tell that Harry never remembered my name when I saw him, but he did recognize my face. He called me "Kid," like I'm sure he called everyone else under 70. Heck, Milo said he called him "Kid," so maybe he didn't stop at 70. Despite his flaws, Harry was larger than life. Anyone who ever met him, remembers it well.

When he died, I was inspired to write the following song. Landecker & The Legends performed it that whole summer, and it appears on "Landecker & The Legends, Volume 5." It's to the tune of "Hats of to Larry" by Del Shannon. You may not know the tune, but you can still see my affection for him in the lyrics.

"Hats Off to Harry"
(Landecker/Kaempfer)

When I went to Wrigley Field,
And the seventh inning came,
You weren't in broadcast booth,
It will never be the same,

We miss you Harry, Holy Cow,
I'm here at the old ballpark,
Waiting for your last bow,
But it's God's Plan,
To take away the main Bud Man,
Harry I'm crying in my beer for you.

Though you mispronounced some names,
You are in the Hall of Fame,
Baseball will never be the same.

Hats Off to Harry,
We'll miss your glasses,
We'll miss you in the booth,
Checking out the lasses,
Cruel twist of fate,
Chip's broadcasting behind home plate,
Harry I'm crying in my beer for you.

Bye Harry Caray,
It's not the same,
No more Ryne Sanderson,
No backwards names,
You're the only one,
Who could make a lousy team such fun,
Harry I'm crying in my beer for you.
For You.
For You.
For You.

I also wrote the following article for "Upbeat Chicago" magazine in 1992. This is to show you I didn't just get sentimental about him after Harry died. I really was a fan.

There's Nothing Like Fun From The 'Ol Ballpark
by Rick Kaempfer

From Upbeat Chicago

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. My wife rolled out of bed around noon, her usual weekend wake up time, and I was ready for her. The picnic basket was packed to the gills, the cooler was packed with a few frosty cold ones, and the blanket was folded nicely.

"Are we going on a picnic?" she asked.

I nodded in the affirmative, and off we went to Lincoln Park. She was still groggy and groaning.

It was time for a bribe. I handed her a book she had been longing to buy. The groan was replaced by a smile, which was then quickly replaced by a scowl when I pulled the radio out of the picnic basket.

"Are we really going to be listening to a baseball game?"

I comforted her. "No, we're going to listen to two baseball games."

I always thought that listening to sporting events on the radio was an underrated form of entertainment. If the announcers are good, the experience can be more exciting than watching the game on television or live at the ballpark. I decided to attempt to prove this to the most skeptical anti-sport fan around.

She comes from a family of White Sox fans, so I thought I would hook her more easily with that game. After all, the Sox are a better team. They're in first place, and the city is catching White Sox fever. Right? Wrong. Not this groggy little filly. John Rooney and Ed Farmer are a good team on WMAQ. They are efficient, polished broadcasters. Unfortunately, they don't really inspire the same kind of excitement as their television counterparts. In fact, after about two innings we suddenly had two groggy campers. I switched it over to WGN.

It was the third inning. Thom Brennaman and Ron Santo admittedly had a better game to work with, but instantly that excitement I was looking for was in the air.

Brennaman is one of Chicago's most underrated broadcasters. He's young, but he is also a first rate baseball announcer. He has a natural delivery, a self assured confident air about him, and most importantly, an engaging personality. His barbs at Santo come frequently, but they are done without the slightest trace of animosity. It sounds like two good friends just chatting about the ballgame, complete with just the right mixture of unabashed rooting and playful sarcasm.

The age difference doesn't seem to matter. Brennaman was still more worried about getting his box of 64 Crayola Crayons when Santo covered the hot corner for the Cubs in the 60's and early 70s. Still, he directs the flow of the broadcast. At the age of 29, he handles the pressures of the big time with ease and grace.

I found myself wishing he wasn't about to switch over to TV, but I knew it was time for the man that is now the Cubs/WGN franchise; Harry Caray. He works the middle innings on the radio. It has become fashionable to bash Harry over the last few seasons. I admit that I laugh at his mispronunciations and occasional gaffes.

I don't know why, but this season I also appreciate Harry more than I have for years. It seems he has regained his edge; his ire turns on the Cubs more easily, his cackle at his own expense is infectious, and his love of the simple things connects with the fan in all of us.

The Cubs hit a long ball. "It might be", his voice raised to meet the excitement of the game. "It could be", the cheer of the crowd reverberated. "It is!" And it was like I was there. Only better. The imagination paints a much more vivid picture than reality.

I lifted my frosty cold one to toast the man when he said "There's nothing like fun at the old ballpark."

I turned to my wife to clink cans with her. Surely Harry must have turned her around. Finally, after all these years I had created the perfect scenario for her to appreciate what I have loved since childhood. She had a big smile on her face. Her imagination was painting a Rembrandt.

Unfortunately, she was fast asleep.

Breaking Knees

2006-02-09T00:03:00.000-08:00

1994 was the year the Olympics turned into a bad episode of Cops. The cast of characters: Nancy Kerrigan (the beautiful ice princess), Tonya Harding (her jealous rival), Jeff Gillooly (her stupid ex-husband), and Shawn Eckardt (the guy they hired to break Nancy's leg).

This was one of the biggest stories of 1994. Despite the controversy, Tonya was allowed to participate in the Olympics. Unfortunately for her, she had problems with her laces and didn't finish in the top five. Nancy Kerrigan didn't win the gold either--Oksana Baiul did. Nancy won the silver, and because she wasn't gracious on the medal stand, America turned on her too.

That's what the Olympic spirit is all about.

U-S-A. U-S-A.

As you might imagine, we had a lot of fun with this story on the John Landecker Show. We actually did two songs about it, one of which is copied below. I distinctly remember writing the lyrics to this song on my way to Virginia (for my Goddaughter Sarah's christening).

This song is available on "Landecker & the Legends, Volume 1" (the first of our six CDs). It's to the tune of "Breaking up is hard to do" by Neil Sedaka.

“Breaking Knees is hard to do”
(Landecker/Kaempfer)

Knock her, Knock her, Down Doobie Do Down Down,
Knock her, Knock her, Down Doobie Do Down Down,
Knock her, Knock her, Down Doobie Do Down Down,
Breaking Knees is hard to do,

“Don’t take my Gold, away from me”
So her man said “Let’s break Nancy’s Knee”,
They hired someone her ex-husband knew,
Cause breakin knees is hard to do,

We won’t get caught, her ex-husband said,
She forgot he was a knucklehead,
Before she knew it, she was through,
Cause breakin knees is wrong to do,

They say that breakin knees is, wrong to do,
Though it depends on, your point of view,
Nancy’s, chances must end,
Get a few thousand and hire your knucklehead ex-husband’s friend,

They say Tonya, isn’t typical,
Of other figure skating queens we know,
Smoking cigarettes, getting tattoos,
And breaking knees a time or two

They say that breaking knees is, wrong to do,
But Tonya wants, a medal too,
Nancy's, already won bronze,
That’s why the ugly duckling wants to break the knees of all the swans

This song was a major part of early Landecker & The Legends shows. We actually brought along a paper-mache pinata leg (wearing an ice-skate), and allowed the fans to take turns whacking it. Inside the leg? Gold-medal shaped chocolates.

Creative Kids Speech

2006-02-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

As the author of a how-to book about radio(which has been purchased by over twenty universities now), I often find myself talking to groups of creative kids (high school and college) and their parents. This speech is as much for the parents as for the kids. It's to help show non-creative parents what makes their creative kids tick, and to let creative kids know that they aren't alone.

Creative Kids
by Rick Kaempfer

I wish there was a night like this when I went to school, because it’s not easy being a creative.

That’s the term I’m going to use to describe all of us; people who think creatively. In my twenty years of working in radio I’ve met hundreds of the most successful creative people in America. The similarities are amazing. No matter what the talent; creative people are bound by one common thing. It’s the way we think.

It’s not like other people. Our brains are wired differently.

Let me ask you a few questions to see if you are one of us.
=Has anyone ever accused you of being spacey? Having your head in the clouds? Living in your own world?
=Can you see a creative project in your head before you create it?
=Has anyone ever said this to you: If you didn’t have your head screwed on you’d lose that too.
=Do you drive people crazy because you question everything?
=When you don’t want to do something, do you take more time and energy coming up with elaborate excuses than it would have taken to just do whatever it was you didn’t want to do?
=Do you feel like nobody really understands the way you think?

If you said yes to any of those questions, welcome. You’re in the right place. You’re a creative.

Notice the questions I didn’t ask. I didn’t ask if you were organized, or efficient, or methodical. Because you probably aren’t—are you? And the reason why it feels like no one understands the way you think is because they don’t. Organized people will never understand disorganized people. They look at us, and they think, why don’t you just get organized? That’s much harder for us, than it is for them. But is possible. I’ll tell you how it happened for me a little bit later.

It’s frustrating that there is no way to measure creativity. They don’t have a creative ACT score. It’s a subjective thing. Talent is another thing that is difficult to measure—especially in the creative world. If someone has told you that you have no talent, you are pretty good company. Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point.

A California kid was an English major at California State University in Sacramento, but he wanted to act. So, he tried out for the college plays. He couldn’t get cast in a single one. They told him he had no talent. After he graduated, he moved back home with his family. His little brother encouraged him to try out for one more play—a community theatre. He did, and because of his knowledge of the classics from his English degree, he nailed the part. That play eventually went on tour to Cleveland, making him a professional actor. The next year he got his first television acting job--dressing like a woman in an ABC sitcom that was cancelled after half a season. He has been a working actor ever since—you may have heard of him. His name is Tom Hanks.

Granted, not everybody is Tom Hanks. But if you think creatively, you have a chance.

The most frustrating thing about being a creative is that you know you have to pursue a career in a creative field, but you may not be able to explain why. For me, I knew I was a good writer, but I didn’t know that I could make a living at that, necessarily. I just knew deep inside that I had to do something creative. I remember trying to explain that to my Dad. I can still see the look on his face.

I should tell you a little bit more about my family. My parents were immigrants. My Dad was from Austria, my mom was from Germany. German was my first language at home. If I can generalize; the German people have a lot of positive traits. They are organized, efficient, punctual, and orderly. In other words, all of things I mentioned creative people are NOT. Don’t get me wrong, they do get creative. They had a good run in the 19th century with people like Beethoven and Wagner. But since then, not so much. To my parent’s generation of Germans, creativity meant trying chicken schnitzel instead of Wiener schnitzel.

I only tell you that story so you can fully appreciate the horror my parents felt as I was getting ready to choose a college major. We compromised. I enrolled as a liberal arts major at the University of Illinois. My dad was happy because he went there and it’s a good school, and I was happy because I wasn’t in business or engineering or some other field that would have been horrible for me. I eventually transferred into the communications school and got my degree in advertising.

The most important thing I learned at college, however, wasn't learned in the classroom. I learned that I wasn’t alone. I learned that at the college radio station. That’s where I met my peers. My fellow creatives; people with the same talents, interests, and weaknesses. I didn't feel so odd anymore.

There's no reason to feel bad about those weaknesses either. Remember what I told you: You aren't alone. Let me give you a few examples...

See this tie? My wife tied it. I’m over 40 and I still can’t tie a tie.

Have you heard of Andy Warhol? One of the most famous artists of last century. His mother had to move in with him in New York because he couldn’t figure out how to turn on the stove. She eventually became his agent because he couldn’t figure out how to balance his checkbook.

I’m not making these stories up.

The late sportscaster Tim Weigel was a friend of mine. I used to write for him and helped him do his Weigel Wieners. He was a talented and creative guy—but driving with him was like putting your life on the line. He was a gregarious conversationalist, and when he was driving, he spent more time working on the conversation than he did watching the road. I said a little prayer every time I got in the car with him, and spent most of my time in his car stomping on the imaginary brakes on my side of the car.

John Landecker must have lost his wallet a half dozen times in the years I worked with him. He is a gifted radio performer, but it took him twenty minutes to find his keys every morning.

Parents, am I making you feel a little better? Sound like anyone you know? When I talk to parents of creative kids they usually say the same thing….”I’m scared to death that my kid will try to go into the arts or broadcasting.” My answer is “What if they don’t?” They have to follow their talents. It’s their best chance of happiness, but it’s also their best chance at a career. There may be a thousand artists better than they are, but they may develop that talent and amaze you. They seem pretty sure they will. That should tell you something.

Let me tell you a story about a fraternity brother of a good friend of mine. He was a journalism major at the University of Missouri—a very prestigious journalism school. Only he didn’t go into journalism. He moved to California before he graduated. His first job there was driving exotic dancers in a limo. His second job was moving refrigerators. Can you imagine what his parents thought when he called up to tell them his third job was dressing as a giant chicken while handing out fliers for a Mexican restaurant? They probably got over it. His name is Brad Pitt.

Despite what you’ve heard, starving is not the alternative, even for the kids that don’t make it. Creative kids are usually pretty smart. She may not become a famous painter, but last time I checked most art galleries weren’t owned by painters. He may not become a famous radio host, but may become a producer or a writer (like me) or God forbid; management. She may not become a famous actor, but may become a casting agent. There are so many possibilities.

Have you ever seen the movie “Amadeus”? You think it’s the story of Mozart’s genius, but really it’s about another composer named Salieri. He feels cursed that God has given him only the appreciation of great music and not the ability to create it. He doesn’t recognize the value of his own talent. He isn’t a genius, but he recognizes genius. He is a music critic—someone who helps the rest of us mere mortals appreciate great music.

Roger Ebert wrote one film, “Return to the Valley of the Dolls,” and it wasn’t exactly one of the best movies of all time. But he is tireless supporter of film genius—he is the Salieri of our time. And nobody would argue that he isn’t in a creative field. He won a Pulitzer Prize for his film criticism.

When I was your age I had a teacher tell me the odds for reaching the top of any creative business is something like 80 million-1. What she didn't tell me was there are many happy professionals at every other level of every creative business. Creative kids are smart. They’ll find a place. They will. Trust your smart kids.

Let me tell you a story about a smart kid named Ted. How smart was he? He got his B.A from Dartmouth, and then got a graduate degree from Oxford. His parents were so happy and proud. But imagine how they felt when Ted told them he wanted to be a cartoonist. An Ivy League and Oxford-educated cartoonist. It gets worse. He got a job at an advertising agency, and his first assignment was drawing bugs for a bug spray campaign. In his spare time, Ted continued to play around with some drawings, and then put silly words to them. Ted changed his name so that his parents wouldn’t be humiliated if he was ever published. And he was published many times. Theodore Geisel became Dr. Seuss.

Now that I’ve told you some of the reasons that you should go into a creative field, let me tell you three reasons why you shouldn’t.

Bad Reason #1: Money.
I’ve met hundreds and hundreds of creative professionals, and some of them
have been extremely successful and rich—but none of them went into it for the money. If you are doing this because you want to be wealthy, and that’s the biggest reason, you’re making a huge mistake. You know the old adage—‘do what you love and the money will follow’. It’s true that the money will follow if you really have a talent and discover how to harness it. But sometimes it takes years to blossom and discover that inner drive to make you successful.

The people that go into it for the money quit before they learn how to make a living doing what they love. On the other hand, if you are a creative, you don’t care about the money. We aren’t wired for that. To my relatives this is a character flaw. Maybe so. But if it is, it’s a character flaw that is common to all of the creative people I know.

Bad Reason #2: Fame.

First of all, it probably won’t happen. Let’s say you beat the odds and it does happen? I’ve talked to several celebrities about this subject. The people I talked to didn’t exactly complain about fame, but they were under-whelmed by it. If a complete stranger loves you, it doesn’t mean anything because you know that they don’t even know you. People close to you loving you—now that’s the real thing. When you hear that fame is empty, that’s what they mean.

Bad Reason #3: Prestige.

You remember the story about Brad Pitt working as a chicken? If you can’t handle that, you’ll never stick around long enough for the prestige. Listen to this story of a young newspaper reporter. He was working as a legman for newspaper columnist Jack Mabley. At the time, he wrote for the Daily News (a paper that is no longer with us). It was 1957, and Mabley got an invitation to a nudist colony in Indiana. He thought it was a great story, but he wasn’t willing to go nude himself—so he sent his young legman to cover his first story….and he had to do it nude. I’m sure that story is not in the official biography of esteemed journalist Walter Jacobsen.

If you are a creative you owe it to yourself to go to college and experience as much as you can. You may not be able to locate that creative switch inside of you yet because you haven’t found the right form for your creativity. You might just find it in college, and it might be totally different than what you thought it would be.
=Dan Rather went to college to play football at Sam Houston State University. Now the broadcast journalism school there is named after him.
=Rupert Murdock, the owner of the Fox Network, went to Oxford to study philosophy.
=Bill Cosby, the comedian, went to Temple on an athletic scholarship.
=Howard Stern went to Boston College for journalism. If you’ve heard his show, you know he chose another route for his career.

You may discover your talent in college, but not find your creative switch until later. I already told you about Tom Hanks. Here’s another story:

This kid was an English major at the University of Maine. He discovered he loved to write. He sold one short story when he was still in school and made a whopping $35. He wrote a novel after he graduated and nobody was interested (it was rejected by 20 different publishers). He was so hurt by the rejection of that first novel, he didn’t write again for a few more years. He needed to get some life experience first. He became a teacher. He got married. He settled down and had a family.

A few years later he wrote of couple pages, but crumpled them up and threw them in the garbage. His wife found them, liked what she saw, and begged him to finish this second novel. In January of 1973 he submitted it to a publisher. Doubleday bought it. In May of that year, they sold the paperback rights to New American Library for $400,000. The book was called “Carrie” and the author was Stephen King.

If you think you are a creative, and you think like a creative, you are one. Even if you haven’t found that internal switch yet. It may take a few years. Writers particularly need some life experience.

I was 28 when I found my creative switch, and surprise surprise; it was located within my German-ness. I was the producer of the Steve Dahl & Garry Meier show at the Loop in the mid-to-late 80s. That was the number #1 rated afternoon show in Chicago at the time. Unfortunately, that job required me to do all of the things I couldn’t do. I had to be organized. A producer has to know everything that is going on in the world, in the nation, in the city, at the radio station, at the competing radio stations, and in the media. He has to be on top of everything. In order to do that you have to be organized.

I don’t know how much you know about Steve and Garry, but when I let something fall through the cracks, I heard about it. Unfortunately for me, several hundred thousand people also heard about it. They liked to conduct their business on the air, and I was being hammered every day. That was really great motivation to get my act together. I went searching for my inner German-ness to save my butt. And I actually found it. When I found that organization within me, I also finally found my creative switch—and surprise, surprise; it was nestled tightly next to those inner German traits of organization, efficiency and punctuality. Those traits didn’t hinder my creativity, they allowed it to flourish.

Since then I’ve written a musical play, a Second City stage show, a sitcom script, over 100 songs, an award winning children’s story, a novel, over 20,000 radio segments, hundreds of commercials, and a non-fiction book “The Radio Producer’s Handbook,” which by the way is available on Allworth Press for a very affordable $19.95. If you want to go into radio keep your eye for that book.

Buy it by clicking here

I want to mention one more important thing about being a creative. You hear the sob stories of the dark brooding artists who have to feel real pain before they can become creative. That’s nonsense. They would have been artists without experiencing abuse or eating out of dumpsters. And you also hear that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. It doesn’t hurt to know people, but if you have talent and learn to harness it, it doesn’t matter where you’re from or how much pain you’ve experienced.

Let me tell you a story about a suburban kid. He studied drama at Hofstra University, and then went to UCLA to study film. He didn’t know anyone. He didn’t live a painful life. But he had talent. He found that he could write, and he took a stab at screenplays. One of his first screenplays won the Academy Award. The movie was “Patton.” That led to a producer job. He produced a film called “American Graffiti”. That was nominated for five Academy Awards. It also got him the clout to direct. You may have heard of that little movie he directed…The Godfather. His name is Francis Ford Coppola, and he’s a suburban kid who didn't suffer and didn't know anyone.

As for me, after over twenty years of working in radio, I’m finally working in the field of my major; I now co-own an advertising agency. My mother can finally tell people what I do for a living without saying…”but he got his degree in advertising.” My agency is called “A.M.I.S.H Chicago Advertising.” And we’re doing amazingly well for a company run by a bunch of creative guys. Check out our web site at www.amishchicago.com. I’m not Amish. That’s an acronym. It stands for Ad Men In Search of Happiness.

It’s still a search as far as I’m concerned, but I’m enjoying the journey. I’ve gotten to work with my radio heroes Steve Dahl & Garry Meier, and John Records Landecker. I’ve gotten to meet some of my creative heroes like Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, and Sir George Martin. But for now I’m happy with my advertising agency because it allows me to spend time with my new creative projects…my sons Tommy, Johnny and Sean.

And those are my most satisfying creative projects of all.

And they are creative. This creative ‘illness’ runs in families by the way.
Even my German family. After my Dad died I found a pile of poetry that he wrote. It was written in German, but it was brilliant. His father, the grouchy old German, mellowed so much in his 90s that he finally admitted to me what his lifelong dream was: He wanted to be a professional accordion player. His uncle wrote the newspaper in their tiny little town in Romania. I never heard these stories growing up. They wanted to spare me from the anguish of being creative. Guess what, you can’t spare anyone. And in America, you don’t have to.

We’re lucky—you and I—we live in a society that values creativity. And someday, you’ll find your place in that society.

Albert Einstein was once asked what his greatest gift was. He answered: imagination. Because it has no limits.

And if you came here tonight, you can bet that you have a great imagination. And you have no limits to what you can achieve.

Andy Shaw interviews Rick & Swany

2006-01-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

This interview took place in October of 2004, the month our book "The Radio Producer's Handbook" hit the bookstores.

ANDY SHAW STRIKES BACK: THE AM RADIO PRODUCERS
By Andy Shaw

Radio is air, literally and figuratively, and it changes like Chicago’s weather. There’s a cool breeze when you groove on a mellow jazz station. A radiant warmth when you absorb a feel-good story on the news. Hot flashes when you catch the excitement of a sporting event or a great rock band. And a cold that chills to the bone when you listen to a talk show host rip the heart out of an unsuspecting celebrity target.

Unfortunately, I know the last weather system all-too-well, and not from a Jerry Taft forecast. Here’s the story: You may recall I have a day job as political reporter at ABC 7, and I moonlight as assistant innkeeper at the Windy City Urban Inn, a Lincoln Park bed-and-breakfast owned by my wife Mary. A couple of years ago, when Chicago Alderman Ed Burke tried to shut down the inn on licensing grounds (as payback for my tough reporting on his multiple conflicts of interest over the years), I was suddenly the hot story, and radio had a field day heralding the titanic battle of two well-known personalities, one from the world of news, the other politics. I was in the uncomfortable position of making news instead of reporting it until the city finally passed a bed-and-breakfast licensing ordinance, which ended the story and the controversy. Thankfully, the radio predators pulled out and I licked my wounds.

But the attack dogs were at it again over the summer when I had a “bad microphone moment” at the Democratic Convention in Boston, yelling for a mike on live TV on the 10 o’clock news. After that one, the radio hosts replayed the gaffe over and over with bells, whistles, phone calls from listeners and sound effects. It was definitely hot radio, and guess what? The shtick worked because of the talents of the people behind the scenes, the producers who help the hosts fill the dead air between the commercials. Kind of like the famous Billy Crystal line in City Slickers, when he tells his son’s class that he’s a radio spot salesman who, in effect, “sells air.” The kids in the class look dumbfounded. But when the producers of the best radio shows are doing their jobs well—lining up the celebrity guests and callers, prepping the big-money hosts with all the relevant information, making sure everything runs on time, and hitting the buttons that embellish the broadcast—that “air” sells like lottery tickets on a $100 million jackpot day.

All of this comes to mind as I finish reading a wonderful book by a couple of well-respected Chicago radio producers: Rick Kaempfer, who’s produced for Steve Dahl, Garry Meier and John Records Landecker; and John Swanson who handled Jonathan Brandmeier, Kevin Mathews, Steve Cochran and, most recently, the eminently successful Eric and Kathy Show on WTMX-FM.

These guys have collaborated on the first-ever how-to book for would-be radio producers. And I’ve gotta tell you, it’s the most interesting and best-written technical manual you’re likely to come across for a while. These guys walk you all the way through, including getting your first job (line up an internship while you’re in college—it’s the best way to get in the door), running a sophisticated computerized audio board (technophobes like me need not apply), keeping a show moving successfully (a mixture of balls, balance and bravado), maintaining a detailed list of phone numbers to reach key guests instantly (I always wondered where those calls in the middle of the night came from) and figuring out how to survive the inevitable clash of egos, management shake-ups and ratings slides that periodically roil the radio business.

“This is the book we wish was handed to us on our first day as producers,” they write in the introduction. “We don’t want another generation of producers tossed into the deep end of the radio pool without being taught how to swim.” The book moves breezily through an overview of radio, a detailed description of the job (p is for psychologist, r is for researcher, o is for organizer, etc.), a day-in-the-life section, a primer on getting that first job, a brief explanation of radio’s technical side, a chapter on “climbing the ladder” (who doesn’t want to make a few more bucks or become the host?) and finally, a glossary of relevant terms (the “input button” may sound erotic but it’s really just used to identify which piece of equipment is fed into a certain module.)

There’s even a forward by radio legend Landecker, who writes that “When I began my career in radio over 30 years ago, the position of producer was an afterthought. The authors of this book are among the handful of producers in America who helped define the position. Producers aren’t just helping us get sandwiches anymore. They are essential partners.”

There is, sad to say, one thing missing from the book: An explanation of how and why otherwise nice folks like Eric and Kathy turn into raging predators who lust after innocents like me, turning foibles into radio fuel, goofs into gags, errors into erotica. Where does that come from? The hosts? The producers? Station management? What makes Steve Dahl so nasty? Mancow so cruel? Howard Stern so pubescent? That probably doesn’t fit into a “how-to” book for radio producers, but it’s a logical question for someone like me.

So I did a little investigating of my own, over at the WTMX studio on North Michigan Avenue on a recent Friday night to get down with the authors, Rick Kaempfer and John Swanson. Here are excerpts of the interview:

AS: John, tell me this . . . One microphone foul-up at a Democratic National Convention, one screaming match on the 10 o’clock news, and the next day Eric and Kathy run me into the ground on their show. I thought they were nice people, but they trashed me. Why are they so mean?

JS: They’re not mean at all. What we liked about it was that you made Ron Magers crack up so bad he couldn’t even go on to the next story. If it was just you asking for a microphone, that was funny in itself, but for Ron Magers to not be able to do the next news story. . . we had to go with it.

AS: But why make hay over someone else’s pain? That’s what I’m asking!

JS/RK: (Simultaneously) That’s what we do.

JS: And the cool thing is that we introduced you to more of our audience, by saying this guy’s as human as the rest of us.

AS: Oh, thank you. I should probably send Eric and Kathy a thank you note, right?

RK: Think of it as a public service.

AS: Rick, on that subject . . . Imus, Howard Stern, Chris Matthews, locally Brandmeier, Steve and Garry [Meier] way back when, Steve now, the most popular radio personalities tend to be either obsessed with sex, or mean . . . why is that? Is that what sells?

RK: Well, the sex definitely sells. But the mean thing is, I think, a passing fad. Most aren’t mean. Brandmeier wasn’t mean. Steve and Garry . . . OK. Mancow, yes. But for the most part, that is going out of style. America is turning away from that. The ratings show it.

AS: OK. You are both smart guys. You’re successful radio producers. Why did you spend all this time on a manual when you could have been positioning yourselves to take over the on-the-air jobs that pay all the big bucks?

RK: Personally I have never been interested in being on the air because of the performing part of it. They’re two separate skills. Producing is one skill and performing is another. For me, writing and coming up with ideas is fun and it’s what I enjoy. Performing is too much pressure. I’ve had my own show a couple of times and I just didn’t like it as much.

AS: John, then you answer the same question. Why did you spend all this time on a manual when you could have been sending out tapes and trying to get yourself an on-air gig?

JS: I agree with Rick. When I ended up landing my job with Brandmeier, I actually thought at the time it was just my foot in the door to get an on-air job. But I enjoyed producing so much because I was able to do all of it. I was able to be on the air, come up with ideas, book guests, write parody songs and not have to deal with the every day . . . I’m kind of a moody guy and you have to be on every day and Andy, I’m sure you know, sometimes that’s hard to do and the pressure is great. There’s a lot of pressure being a producer, too. The book came about because Rick and I got together and we’ve been doing this a long time and we thought: What do we have to show for our success? Sure we can go around telling people I produced for Jonathan Brandmeier, Rick for Steve and Garry, Eric and Kathy now, John Records Landecker for Rick, but what do we have? We have nothing concrete, and that’s when the book idea came along. Rick was the driving force on the writing because that’s what he wants to do.

AS: I’ve got to be honest . . . it’s really a well-written and interesting manual. I found it fascinating. A lot of people are going to read this interview and not get a chance to read the manual. So tell them: What’s the single most important thing a person can do to get a start? There are thousands of people out there who would love to have your jobs, just like they’d love to have mine. What would you tell someone? What’s first and foremost?

JS/RK: (Simultaneously) Get an internship.

JS: Absolutely.

RK: Unlike TV, in radio, internships actually lead to jobs. An internship at a television station—I have a lot of friends in TV—especially in a big market like Chicago, just doesn’t generally lead to a job.

AS: So you get an internship while you are in college. You get tons of experience and you get yourself contacts . . .

RK: Sure.

AS: So you guys would make a call to help one of these interns?

JS: Right. That’s it absolutely. You get your foot in the door. As a matter of fact, right here at the radio station [WTMX] two of the people who are on-air as part-time and fill-in started off as interns. Now they’re on the air. Think about it. There are a lot of people who get into this business and their first gig is in Paducah. Here you are coming in out of college, you’re an intern and then you’re on the air at a major market radio station.

RK: Both of us started in Chicago. I went to the University of Illinois in Champaign and came right to Chicago, the third biggest market in the country. And I did it through the producer door, which is not that well known.

JS: (Laughing) Not when we started.

AS: You’ve written the manual now, why not start a business like a talent agency? Help people get jobs. There are agents for TV reporters and anchors. There are agents for radio people, why not do that? You guys obviously know the territory…
(Raucous laughing)

JS: Andy, were you at our last meeting together?

AS: I’ve just been around awhile so it seems obvious. But seriously—is that something you’re thinking of?

JS: We joked around about what we would say if you asked us certain things and we were going to say we were saving that for the next book or the next chapter of our lives. Actually there are many possibilities and . . . do we have to say?

RK: Obviously we’re available for that. Personally I’m consulting with the Loop [WLUP] morning show. I’m not there full-time. I’m coaching the people that are on the air and the producer. I’m training them. That is probably something that is our future in the long run.

AS: Considering that all of us have short shelf lives…

JS/RK: Exactly. Right. Absolutely.

AS: Tell me about the major talents that you’ve worked with, something that people would never know just by listening to the shows. What’s one secret about Eric and Kathy that listeners to the morning program don’t know? Without violating any confidences, of course.

(Long, loud laughing)

JS: Wow.

AS: (Prompting, like a producer) Eric picks his nose during the commercials . . . Kathy is always adjusting her bra strap, something like that.

JS: Well, maybe the audience does know this . . . Kathy can out-belch anybody. And I’m talking loud and longggg.

AS: She’s done this on the air?

JS: On the air, I don’t think she’s done it.

AS: How could you pass up a bit like that?

JS: Because it’s not very ladylike, is it? Eric, geez, I’m trying to think . . . what would the audience not know . . . Eric and Kathy are pretty much an open book on the air. They pretty much tell it all . . .

AS: All right, how about Brandmeier?

JS: (Laughing) I will say this about Jonny: He’s very intense. As I stated in the book, I would not be where I’m at now if it wasn’t for working with Brandmeier.
AS: Is that good or bad?

JS: I think it’s good. He ended up being able to teach me what makes a morning show work. He was all about show business. He always made it bigger than life.

AS: That’s why he took it out to California.

JS: That’s what made it so much fun. A very, very intense guy, but once the show was over, boom.

AS: OK, Steve and Garry, as dysfunctional as . . .

RK: Totally, every bit as dysfunctional.

AS: Garry gets a $10 million deal that all of a sudden he walks away from because he wants his wife to be his agent? I love Garry, but what’s with that?

RK: Garry is a unique guy. Let’s just say, I produced their show for about five years. Garry and I didn’t have a lot of in-depth conversations. He’s not that kind of guy. He is what he is. He shows up, he does his job. He is the best second banana in the business, ever. I don’t think there has ever been anyone as good as him . . . Steve is a complex guy.

AS: . . . but great staying power.

RK: Absolutely.

AS: It’s hard to survive 25 years . . .

RK: . . . and he’s still right at the top. I have a lot of respect for him. Steve taught me to not screw up because if I ever screwed up, 300,000 people would know about it. So he taught me a lot.

AS: . . . and John Records Landecker?

RK: The thing that people don’t realize about John is that he’s very energetic on the air, super energetic, I’ve never met anybody more energetic. Off the air, he’s nearly comatose. He uses every ounce of energy that he has for the show. He puts everything into it.

AS: Have you guys decided which private security firm is going to handle the crowds at the book signing when thousands of people are lined up around the block?
(Laughing)
One final question and that should take care of it. Rick, you don’t have a show, so I can’t ask you this. This is for you John . . . Will you agree that Eric and Kathy will say nice things about me every day from now on?

JS: I’ll work on that for you. I’ll do my best. Actually, when we were talking about radio being mean and sexual, I meant to add that the Eric and Kathy Show is not mean at all, that’s why it’s been so successful . . .

AS: The sex on the show is kind of like training bras.

JS: It’s right up to the line. The best part about it is the women know what we’re talking about without us getting graphic about it, which is great.

RK: And for the record, I advised John not to play that tape of you. I said that it was just over the line to keep repeating you screaming for the microphone.

AS: I would think he wouldn’t want to miss such a great opportunity. And it wasn’t just him, WGN has gotten a lot of mileage out of it, and bless them. We’re all still working.

RK: I’ve heard it on other stations, too, by the way.

AS: You know what they always say. Just spell my name right.

Postscript: "The Radio Producer’s Handbook" was recently published by Alworth Press. You can buy it in bookstores, or online from Amazon or Barnes & Noble for $19.95, and it’s a must for anyone who wants to break into radio. But this story comes with a warning: I play in the radio air from time to time as a fill-in host on WLS Newstalk 890. So if Rick and John get lucky enough to do a book tour, and it happens to coincide with one of my fill-in radio host gigs, I will get even. Tough Love. Reality Radio. Take your pick.

(Lake Magazine: Holiday 2004 issue)

Did I mention the book is still available? Click here....The Radio Producer's Handbook

Fax Radio

2006-01-21T15:00:00.000-08:00

The following article appeared in the Chicago Tribune June 20, 1989. It’s fun to take a trip back in time, and see how far our technology has progressed in that time. The fax machines we used then came with rolls of curly glossy paper.

FAX RADIO
by Katherine Seigenthaler

Steve Dahl and Garry Meier, disc-jockey hosts of a popular afternoon radio show on WLUP-AM (AM 1000) in Chicago now have a fax machine in their studio to accept comments and other items from listeners.

In the past, the only way to get through to them was by managing to break through WLUP's jammed phone lines. But technology, like time, marches on, and radio audiences can now use fax machines to communicate with these two fellows and other radio personalities.

The fax machine in their studio operates almost continually all day. Every few minutes, something new comes through. While some of it is usable on the air, much of it is unsavory, and best used for a private laugh in the studio, with only a brief (and cleaned up) mention on the air.

For instance: Someone sends a fax which has altered the spelling of Rob Lowe's name with unwholesome results. The very next item to arrive is a lewd cartoon featuring a pig and a chicken.

Rick Kaempfer, producer of Steve Dahl and Garry Meier's afternoon radio show said, "We get a lot of things that people are afraid to say themselves, but they fax it hoping that Steve or Garry will talk about it on their show. Frankly, much of it is so lewd there is no way we can clean it up well enough to use over the air. It is funny though."

Kaempfer claims Dahl and Meier were the first to incorporate a fax machine into their on-air schtick, and they have been giving the fax number to listeners for at least a year.

But according to Brian Kelly, program director at station WLS (FM 94.7), his station was the first to have an *in-studio* fax machine. WLS, like competitor WLUP, welcomes the frivilous, and the more-so the better. Both stations invite people to 'Fax your face' to the station, so the deejay's can describe you to the listeners. People are to make a copy of their face on the office copy machine, then fax the copy to the station.

Kelly noted that "...faces are not the only body parts they fax to us. They actually put the naked part of the body on the copy machine, and then fax the results to us. We've gotten enough body parts to make a complete person, although we have a big overstock of certain parts. I guess they think it will shock us."

WLS' midday deejay, Doug Blair, is by far the most fax-infested at that station because the vast majority of fax-ers work 9 AM to 5 PM, in offices where fax machines are available and the employees obviously are not kept busy enough and have idle time to create mischief. Indeed, the dawning of radio's fax era has updated, but hardly altered, the time-honored practice of goofing off at the office when your supervisor is not watching.

In a less state-of-the-art era, the average employee pretended frantically to be calling a client when, in truth, he was hoping to be the lucky 'caller number ten' in the radio station's cash giveaway contest.

Today, that same employee stands at the office fax machine, ostensibly sending a copy of that important report off to the client. After looking around furtively to make sure the supervisor is elsewhere, he in fact sends an obscene joke to Dahl and Meier, hoping they will read it over the radio, or else a copy of that picture he made on the copy machine the night before, after everyone had left the office but he '..stayed late to finish that urgent report...'

Rick's notes: This article came out about two weeks before my father passed away. I remember showing it to him during our very last conversation; a lunch at Wags restaurant. I left Steve and Garry's show about a year and a half later (early 1991).

By the way, fax machines are still a staple of the radio producer's booth, and the contributions from listeners did eventually manage to progress beyond naughty jokes. Of course, e-mails are now more commonly used to communicate with your favorite radio show, and obviously, they still take phone calls.

"Use Your Glove"

2006-01-21T14:59:00.000-08:00

The year was 1994. Witnesses near Elvis' grave at Graceland said they heard "spinning" noises the day Michael Jackson announced he had married Elvis' girl Lisa Marie.

During that time, John Landecker and I imagined what the King might have been saying as he spun round and round. The following lyrics accompany the tune “Burning Love,” and John performed this as Elvis (in full costume) for the first couple of Landecker & Legends tours.

(Warning: Content is rated PG)

“Use Your Glove”*
(Landecker/Kaempfer)

Lord almighty, Lisa Marie’s so surprisin’,
Just like Priscilla, she gave her old man the heave ho,
But girl, girl, girl, this new husband that you’ve acquired,
Is a llama owning, crotch grabbing, monkey loving, scary freak show,
So tonight when it’s time to retire,
And he’s wearing your dress he admired,
Say not tonight, Michael I’m tired.
Use your glove

Ooh ooh ooh, Michael is so mesmerizing,
He plays with the kids and pretends to be Frankenstein,
He comforts them when it’s raining and the sun ain’t shining,
That’s OK—as long as they ain’t no kin of mine,

So tonight when it’s time to retire,
Surround the kids with barb wire,
Put a damper on his desire,
Spurn his love.

Lisa Marie babe, listen here to your daddy,
Put the rights to my songs in a safe and throw the key away,
Daddy’s motto was ‘Takin’ Care of Bizness’
But I never did no business with a man that change his face every day.

So tonight when it’s time to retire,
And he’s wearing your dress he admired,
Say not tonight, Michael I’m tired.
Use your glove.

*This song also appeared on “Landecker & the Legends, Volume 1.” (One of the six CDs we released to benefit Lambs Farm in Libertyville). Check out the website of The Legends at www.thelegends.net

"The Man with the World's Longest Name"

2006-01-21T14:56:00.000-08:00

The following AP report announced that I won a national writing contest…

DIET COKE DISCOVERS LITERARY UNKNOWNS

ATLANTA, May 17, 1999 /AP / -- Who says you cant’ break into the publishing world on your first try? Diet Coke is making it possible for one talented writer to do just that. Rick Kaempfer of Mt. Prospect, Illinois has been named the grand prize winner of the “diet Coke Living Life to It’s Fullest” writing contest.

Rick’s story was chosen from more than 400 entries. The selection was made based on the judging of seven best-selling authors including Elmore Leonard, Nora Roberts, Lisa Scottoline, Maeve Binchy, Mark Victor Hansen, Barbara Taylor Bradford, and Mark & Chrissy Donnelly. The entries were judged on originality, creativity, appropriateness to theme, and clarity. Twenty three finalists were also announced today.

Kaempfer, who lives in Mt. Prospect, a suburb of Chicago, with his wife and two young sons, read about the contest in his local newspaper (The Daily Herald) and, despite having never entered a contest before, was inspired to enter because of the title. “When I read about the ‘Living Life to the Fullest’ contest it reminded me of my grandfather,” says Rick. His is a whimsical tale about a man who adds the name of everyone who inspires him throughout his life to his own name.

As the grand prize winner, Rick and his wife will be flown to New York City on May 14th to live the life of a best-selling author during an all-expenses-paid, three-day, two-night trip. Highlights include a VIP tour of prestigious publishing houses HarperCollins Publishers and Penguin Putnam, Inc., as well as meetings with publishing executives to discuss his writing. Rick will also enjoy dining in the company of best-selling authors Mark & Chrissy Donnelly, Mark Victor Hansen, Nora Roberts, Lisa Scottoline and Elmore Leonard. His story will be published as an e-book that will appear on the diet Coke website through the end of this year.

Rick’s Notes:
The e-book has vanished into the nether world since the end of 1999, but the original children’s poem that my essay was based upon still remains. I wrote the following story in 1992 the day I learned my grandfather’s cancer had returned. This story isn’t really about him, although he did like to take me to the park when I was a boy. It’s more about the spirit of him…the way my mind saw him as a child. This is the only children’s story I’ve ever written. My grandfather, Engelbert Ruscheinski, died in 1993. I never showed him this story.

I know it’s corny, but it’s a children’s story, and it did make me feel a lot better at the time. I hope you read this in that spirit.

THE MAN WITH THE WORLD'S LONGEST NAME

Rudy liked to play in the park, there were so many things to do,
He could slide down the slide, or play in the sand, or he could swing on a swing or two,
Every day he went to the park, as soon as he finished school,
And he would wait for his mom to pick him up, that was his #1 rule.

One day the sun was shining bright, and he had little time left to play,
He couldn’t stop watching the man on the bench, who came to the park every day,
There was something about that old man there, and Rudy couldn’t help stare,
Birds were flocking and landing on him, and they came from everywhere,

He held a big bag, and fed all the birds, and soon the food was no more,
But they stayed to listen to the old man talk, and Rudy wondered, "What for?"
So he dropped the sand he was playing with, and he walked to the end of the park.
What was the old man saying to them—what were those soothing remarks?

But as he approached, the birds flew away, leaving Rudy alone with the man.
The man looked at Rudy, and Rudy looked back, and he almost turned and ran.
"What is your name?" came a gentle call, and he added, "You look like a Mike."
Rudy shook his head, and the man guessed on, "Are you Charlie, or Kenneth, or Ike?"

"Rudy's my name," he heard himself say, and he wondered about the man's name.
He wondered if he was supposed to guess back, were they playing some sort of game?
"What is your name?" Rudy asked the old man, then guessed "Are you a Joe?"
"Yes, I am," the old man replied, "and a Tom, and a Sean, and a Moe!"

"I'm also a Vince, a Benny, a Pete, a Billy, a Jim, and a Barry,
I'm a Chuck, and a Steve, a John, and a Beav, an Alex, a Mark and a Gary.
All of these names are part of me now, I’m the man with the world’s longest name,"
And he told little Rudy the story about, how he achieved this acclaim,

"I once had three names," the old man said," A first, a middle and last.
But that was many years ago, before my loved ones passed,
When I was a boy, my granddad died; I mourned him and I cried,
My mother tried to comfort me, but I wanted to know why he died."

"God called for him," she said to me, "He also loves your granddad.
And he touched our lives, like no one else; be thankful for the years that we had.
What one thing will you miss the most, what made you love him so much?"
I said, “I loved the way he made me laugh, with a face, or a smile, or a touch."

"Do you think that you could do that, son, to people that you meet?"
I just nodded and looked at her, and I slowly got up to my feet.
"That way he still lives with us," I said, as the idea came.
"And since he is now part of me, I shall add his name to my name."

"I added his name to my other three, to make the total four.
And many years have passed since then, and I've added many more.
My father was great, and he loved to sing, and though he’ll never have fame,
When he died, I learned his songs, and I added his name to my name."

"My mother was kind and loved animals, she soothed them with her sweet words.
And when she died, I added her name, and I came to talk to her birds."
Rudy was quiet, but then he asked, "Have all of those people died?"
"Oh, no!" said the man, and he smiled at Rudy. "Inside me they're quite alive!"

"If you wanted to add my name," Rudy asked, "would you put it right after Mark?"
"If I added your name, I'd put it first, and I'd love to play in the park."
Rudy smiled and said “My mom’s coming soon, I better get back to the sand,”
And though he never saw him again, Rudy never forgot that old man.

Rick’s Notes:
My sister-in-law Kelly drew some beautiful pictures to accompany this story back in 1992, and I did try to sell it to a few publishers, but I didn't really know what I was doing in those days. In 1999 I was reading the Daily Herald, and saw the article about this contest. Something about that title "Living Life to It's Fullest" made me think of my grandfather, which made me think of this story. I dug it out of the closet, converted it to an essay, and sent it in. When they called a few months later to tell me I had won, I was taking a nap. Bridget didn't wake me up--she took a message. I always thought that was funny.

The pictures below were taken in late May 1999, when we arrived in New York to accept the prize.

The top photo shows the television cameras that followed us around (my wife Bridget accompanied me). Stories about this contest, and my winning the grand prize, appeared on dozens of television stations in the country, including WLS-TV (Channel 7) here in Chicago. (In later editions of “From the Archives” I’ll be showcasing some of the press stories/interviews that came out after I won the prize.)

The bottom photo was taken at lunch at the famous round table in the Oak Room of the Algonquin Hotel where Dorothy Parker and her vicious circle used to dine every day in the 1920s. Chicken Soup for the Soul author Mark Victor Hansen and romance novelist Nora Roberts are having lunch with Bridget and me.