Bobbitt Flashback

PG WARNING: The content of this post could be offensive to the easily offended...If you are easily offended, please don't read it.



If you weren't living in a cave in 1993 and 1994, you remember the story of John Wayne Bobbitt well. His wife severed his manhood, and she threw it in a field somewhere.

The police found it, and it was reattached.

I was the producer of John Landecker's show when this story broke, and because of the popular song John and I wrote about it, the publisher of Chicago Advertising and Media magazine (a magazine I wrote for before joining the radio show) asked me to write a story about the Bobbitt material being done in Chicago.

The following is my published report from 1994.

A “Slice” of Modern Radio Life

It was a case that swept the nation. Just say the word “Bobbitt” and you are bound to get an immediate reaction. Everybody has an opinion about the case, and everybody was talking about it.

Every respectable television news anchor on every network and local station had to say the word “penis” on the air every night for virtually six months. Every comedian in the country has a “Bobbitt-hunk”. I followed the late night TV talk shows for six weeks, and David Letterman and Jay Leno did Bobbitt jokes nearly every night. Leno skipped the topic seven times in six weeks. Letterman skipped it four times.

The Bobbitts may have also single-handedly changed the face of radio. Subjects that no one dared discuss in the pre-Bobbitt days, were commonplace in the “Bobbitt-era” on virtually every morning radio show in Chicago. I decided to call them up and get their best “Bobbitt-material”. Nine morning shows responded to my call.

WBBM-FM (B-96) Eddie & JoBo
One liners were a regular part of the Eddie and JoBo program. They offered up their favorite Bobbitt-joke to me: “What’s the difference between Bob Barker and Lorena Bobbitt? Barker is a slick pricer.....”

WJMK-FM (Oldies 104.3) John Landecker
(FULL DISCLOSURE: I am the producer of this show)
Landecker also offered up a slew of one-liners. “Did you hear that John Bobbitt is legally changing his name....to Les Johnson?” “Now that the Bobbitts are legally divorced, John is once again unattached”. Landecker’s “Bobbitt Song” was also the #1 request item at the station. To the tune of “If you wanna be happy” by Jimmy Soul, the chorus of his song goes like this: “If you wanna make Lorena Bobbitt your wife, you better hide the butcher knife. John Wayne Bobbitt found out that’s true, when she woke him cutting off his wazoo.” He also incorporated a series of “Bobbitt-party games” into his live stage show; “Bobbitt-ing for Wieners”, “The Bobbitt-Wiener Toss”, and “Pin the Bobbitt on the Bobbitt”.

WLS-AM/FM (Talk Radio) Don & Roma Wade
Don & Roma, for the most part, gave it the talk-radio treatment. They spoke daily to Court-TV reporter Christian Jennette Meyers. She gave them updates live from Manassas. Of course, they didn’t stay away from the comedy treatment of the issue. Don predicted “She’s gonna get off”, to which Roma replied “That’s more than he can do”.

WLUP-FM (The Loop) Kevin Matthews
Matthews gave the subject his conceptual comedic touch. He referred to Bobbitt’s reattached organ as “Frankenpenis”, implying that they had mistakenly attached the wrong penis. He created elaborate “Frankenstein-like” situations for Bobbitt.

WMVP-AM (Sports-1000) Steve Dahl
Naturally, it comes as no surprise that Dahl covered the Bobbitt experience. He played audio clips of virtually every news anchor and reporter saying the word “penis”. Dan Rather, John Drury, Connie Chung, Jay Levine, Lester Holt, Warner Saunders, Deborah Norville, Penny Daniels, Robin Robinson, and Bill Kurtis were all featured. He also composed an original “Bobbitt-song”. The funniest line of the song is “I just wanna be your hubby, so don’t call me stubby.”

WPNT-FM (FM 100) Steve Cochran
Cochran came to town just in time for the Lorena Bobbitt trial. One day, he asked listeners to come up with alternative words for “penis”. The newsman on his show would then use that word. He spent one day using the word “woodchuck”. He also had a news reporter calling in from the trial, Dora Hasen. She told the show about the various different T-shirts being hawked, and the “hot dog”specials at the local restaurants. The “Bobbitts” were also discussed in the pre-Cochran era. Before Cochran arrived, the FM-100 morning show spent an entire day composing Bobbitt limericks in honor of Mike Royko’s column.

WTMX-FM (101.9) Brant Miller
Miller and his program director Barry James both felt that the issue was a little too touchy to be handled in a comedic way. They intentionally stayed away from it.

WUSN-FM (US-99) JD & The Katman.
John “The Katman” Katzbeck put together a little parody song in honor of the Bobbitts. It was called “Lorena’s eyes” and was to the tune of “Alibis” by Tracy Lawrence. The chorus went like this: “Lorena’s eyes and alibis, Hide the steak knives. Lord knows she threw it out the windows to the birds, don’t worry she’s getting severence pay.” The song also includes little fake commercials for both Lorena and John. Lorena hawks the “Vegomatic”, and John does a spiel for American Express...”Don’t leave home without it”.

WXRT-FM (93.1) Lin Brehmer
Brehmer called me up to tell me he didn’t do any Bobbitt jokes. “Unless I make them up on the spot, I really don’t have any. I guess I didn’t have my finger on the pulse of the community.”

Don’t worry, Lin. If the public wanted Bobbitt jokes, they didn’t have a hard time finding them.

The song we wrote was a staple of our live shows for years. Here are the lyrics to the tune of "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life," an oldie by Jimmy Soul. The late Chicago Tribune Pulitzer Prize Columnist Mike Royko, who spent weeks publishing Bobbitt limericks, pulled me aside at a party at his friend Tim Weigel's house to tell me that he thought this was brilliant. Granted, he had a glass of gin in his hand at the time, but I'll always remember that moment.

"If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife"




By John Landecker & Rick Kaempfer




If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
Just make sure you hide the butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazoo,

Lorena said John wasn't treating her well,
So he wound up in a prison cell,
When he got acquited Lorena scoffed,
"That's the last time that he gets off"

It's a story we all have heard,
The controversy that it has stirred,
The story of their marital strife,
That ended gruesomely with a knife,
She just sliced off his manhood,
And then she tossed it in the woods,
They say the grass there did go grow greener,
Fertilized by his sliced off wiener,

If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
Just make sure you hide the butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazoo,

(INST-BRIDGE)

We know how it will end of course,
The Bobbits will wind up divorced,
Their problems simply cannot be patched,
And John is once again unattached,

If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
Just make sure you hide the butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazzoo,

(INST & Talking)

Lorena said John wasn't treating her well,
So he wound up in a prison cell,
When he got acquited Lorena scoffed,
"That's the last time that he gets off",
If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
You better limit your marital strife,
She really knows how to wield that blade,
Every night you'll go to sleep afraid,
If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
You better hide your butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazoo.
(fades)

This song is available on Landecker and the Legends, Volume 1.

The Birth of Johnny Kaempfer

The date was March 12, 1998.









The headline on the Chicago Sun Times front page: “Cicero deal halts Rally by Klan”
The headline on the Chicago Tribune front page: “Clinton plans to join Ulster peace talks”
The headline on the Daily Herald front page: “Clinton refuses to say whether he will testify to grand jury”
The headline on the New York Times front page: “The World of Paula Jones”

But the biggest story was happening in Mt. Prospect, and only one reporter was on hand to break the story....Me. I called into the John Landecker show that morning to report the news flash. The cast of characters included John Landecker, sidekick Catherine Johns, and newsman Richard Cantu.

The following is a transcript of that important phone call.



John: Oldies 104.3, John Records Landecker, it’s 8:27, and joining us on the phone from the maternity ward is the producer of the program, Rick the German Boy Kaempfer. Good morning, Rick.

Rick: Good morning.

John: Rick, tell us what’s going on.

Rick: Well as long as we’re plugging our kids (John had just plugged his daughter’s play), I’ve got a new one to plug.

John: Aaaawwwwright!

Rick: Last night around eleven thirty Bridget’s water broke and we didn’t even have time to make it to the hospital downtown, so we went to the one out here.

Catherine: Oh, is that right?

Rick: And we have a new baby boy!

(Cheering and clapping in the studio)

Richard: Whoo Hooo! Congratulations. Two knucklehead boys!

Rick: And it’s a big one too.

Catherine: How big?

Rick: 8 pounds, 6 ounces.

Catherine: That is pretty big. How’s Bridget doing?

Rick: She’s doing real well. I’m at home now. I came home to check on Tommy...

John: Wait a doggone minute! You went home to check on your other child before you called the show? Where are your priorities?

Rick: Sorry, forgive me. I’m hopelessly out of whack.

John: OK, 8 pounds. How long was it?

Rick: 21 inches...if you know what I’m saying.

Catherine: We know what you’re saying.

John: No, how long was the baby?

Rick: Oh, the baby?

Richard: Once more into the gutter.

John: So what time was this kid born?

Rick: Two o’clock in the morning. They kicked me out of the hospital at 4:00, because Bridget has to share a room, and I came home and got a little sleep, and Tommy just woke me up, so I’m calling you right away.

John: So you’ve called all your family I hope.

Rick: Bridget called them.

John: But she had the baby.

Rick: Yeah, she had the baby in about two hours. It wasn’t that bad, although that’s easy for me to say. She was fine, what a trooper.

Catherine: And she wanted to chat, right?

Rick: Exactly.

Catherine: Now I want to know something. Does this child have a name?

Rick: Oh yes he does. His name is John Richard Kaempfer.

John: Wow.

Richard: You honor us, Sir.

John: Was he named after anyone?

Rick: Well, my favorite Beatle is John.

John: John Lennon.

Rick: And of course, my favorite DJ....

John: Really?

Rick: Yup. John Brandmeier.

(Everyone laughs)

John: OK, you got me.

(Call waiting clicks)

Rick: And actually John is also a name in Bridget’s family. Her grandfather was named John. And so is her brother.

(Call waiting clicks again)

John: I see you got baby waiting there.

Rick: Yeah, I think I may be popular today.

John: Well, we’ll let you go. Congratulations on the big news! So you’ll be back to work tomorrow, right?

Rick: Uh...well...

Catherine: John!

John: Just kidding, just kidding.

Rick: See you later.

John: There he goes. Proud papa.

(Click)

John: Oh wait! Darnit! I forgot to ask him if he taped it.

Richard: Are you kidding? Of course he did.

John: Because if there was ever a disc jockey who knows how to exploit a child, it’s....

2 year old Tommy Kaempfer singing the jingle: John Records Landecker, Oldies 104.3.





Of course, I did tape it, by the way. It aired the next day. Friday the 13th.


By the time Johnny was three he was doing movie reviews and jokes on the radio. He also accompanied the show to the Dominican Republic for a live broadcast.










I kept a journal about the boys when they were babies. This is what I wrote about Johnny's birth...


3/12/98

The baby was already a week late, but it seemed like a month late. Bridget and I had been expecting the arrival two weeks before the due date (3/5) because her doctor said that he thought the baby was going to be early. The wait had become unbearable. We finally gave in and decided to schedule the inducement for Friday. This freaked me out because it was Friday the 13th. It would have been one thing to just have the baby on the 13th. I felt like it was tempting fate to actually schedule the birth to occur on the 13th. As it turned out, it didn’t happen.

It was Wednesday night, and we were all packed up. I wrote the outline of the show for Thursday knowing that it would be the last show before I took a leave of absence. I knew that I didn’t have to worry about getting a good night’s sleep, so at around 11:30PM I was in the basement listening to the Beatles “Rubber Soul” CD, when Bridget came bounding down the stairs.

“WE HAVE TO GO. MY WATER BROKE”.

This time I was much more relaxed than I was with Tommy. I didn’t go into a sitcom panic right away. Instead, I calmly called Cindy (my sister) on the phone. She was the ordained person to watch Tommy while we headed to the hospital. Her phone rang twice and the answering machine picked up. Uh oh. I called again. Same thing. I realized that everyone’s guard was down because we had scheduled the inducement. Nobody is on alert! Now I went into my sitcom panic.

I couldn’t call my Mom because she had a bad cold, and therefore couldn’t watch Tommy. We had to drive all the way into Chicago, and we were losing valuable time looking for someone. On a lark, I called Gerty (my aunt). Martina (my cousin) just happened to be home and I asked her to come over as soon as she could. Meanwhile, Bridget was starting to have contractions at a very rapid interval. We called her doctor, and he said not to worry--there is plenty of time to still come downtown. However, as we waited for Martina to show up, Bridget’s contractions intensified and came at even closer intervals. We called her doctor again, and he said to go the nearest hospital first and have them check if it was OK to make it all the way downtown. (I was envisioning a tollbooth birth)

Cindy and Martina showed up around the same time, and we headed over to Northwest Community Hospital. By now Bridget was screaming in pain. A sailor would have blushed at the words coming out of the dainty mouth of my little woman. Martina and Cindy looked on in horror. (Martina later said that was the closest she ever wanted to get to labor).

When we got to the hospital, we had to fill out some forms. We weren’t pre-registered, you see. After about ten seconds of Bridget’s screaming, they took her in the emergency room and had me continue to fill out the forms. Bridget looked at the nurse and asked if she could get some drugs for the pain. The nurse couldn’t look her in the eye and said the doctor would have to answer that question. We knew the answer. When I got back to the emergency room, the doctors said it was time for Bridget to start pushing. Whoa. I guess we’re not going downtown tonight after all.

The labor itself was quick. Two hours after the first contractions started, we had a brand new bouncing baby boy. Once again, we didn’t have a name picked out. We had the name “Grace Anne” chosen for the girl’s name, but we had about five names on the boy’s list. Since I had chosen Tommy, I let Bridget pick this name. Of course, after squonking out a baby, you really aren’t in the mood to make any major decisions.

I helped the process along. Soon, we had it down to two choices….James and John. Bridget liked the name James better, but she wanted to call him “Jamie”. I couldn’t stand that for a boy, but I agreed to call him “James” or “Jim”. Neither one satisfied her, so went back to the name John. We had the same trouble with the middle name. We liked the name “Stuart” as the middle name for James, but nothing seemed to sound right with John. We almost went back to James, until she came up with the middle name Richard.

That was it. Our second born child was born on March 12th at 2:00 on the nose. He was 21 inches long, weighed 8 pounds and 6 ounces and was named…JOHN RICHARD KAEMPFER.

We were both exhausted because it was so early in the morning, and I went home because Bridget had to share a room. I got home around 4AM, woke up at 7:30 with Tommy, and called the radio show at 8:30. (We have that phone call on tape). I called all of my relatives, Bridget called all of hers, and just about everyone else heard it on the radio. At about 9:30, Martina woke up. She was the last one to officially hear the news, because she slept through all of the excitement on the couch in our living room.

Johnny B

I wrote the following article for a magazine called "Chicago Airwaves" in 1993 to coincide with Jonathon Brandmeier's 10th anniversary on the air in Chicago. This was just after he moved to the afternoon slot on WLUP.

He has bounced around the dial a bit since then, doing different timeslots (mornings, afternoons, middays) at different stations (WLUP, WCKG, and two stations in Los Angeles), but is now back to the radio station and timeslot that made him famous: Mornings on the Loop. Please enjoy this trip back in time...


COVER STORY: APRIL ’93--CHICAGO AIRWAVES MAGAZINE
Jonathon Brandmeier: Celebrating Ten Years of Mayhem






I had a childhood friend named Nick. Nick was the ringleader. He got all of us to do things that we never would have done in a million years. It was a genetic talent. Occasionally we would tire of Nick always being in charge, and one of us would try to take control. It was never the same. We would always return the reigns to Nick. No one was more comfortable being the center of attention. Even our mothers loved him. He was a dangerous mix of charisma, charm, and absolute fearlessness. Without him, our childhood would have been boring.

Multiply Nick by a hundred, and you get Johnny B.

It’s hard to remember Chicago radio without Johnny. Ten years ago he came to Chicago amid much fanfare, and was anything but an overnight sensation. Most of us have vague memories of him storming through those TV spots as Mr. T. We didn’t know what to make of him at first. Despite comparisons to Steve Dahl, his show was really much different. Steve was more of the classroom smart-aleck. Johnny B was the ringleader. The ringleader can be annoying to anyone outside of his gang, but once you get in the gang, you’ll walk over hot coals for him. It didn’t take long before Johnny’s genetic talents brought just about everyone into his gang. Without him, the last ten years would have been boring. It’s been quite a ride.

In radio, success is measured by cold hard statistics. Johnny has been a success by those standards. His ratings in the morning were astronomical, particularly in the most desirable 25-54 year old demographics. His ratings in the afternoon, while not quite at the same level, are still very respectable. Listening to his morning show had become a habit, and not everyone has gotten adjusted to switching him on in the afternoon (on a different station, no less, AM 1000).

Of course, his “troops” aren’t just casual listeners. They’re fanatical. Johnny has ridden the wave from success to success. His band, the Leisure Suits, has set attendance records at places like Poplar Creek Music Theatre, Alpine Valley, and the UIC Pavillion. So, you couldn’t get tickets to the sold out show? Fine, buy Chicago’s top selling video from ’89. You could have picked it up at 7-11. Don’t have a VCR? Fine, buy one of his tapes or CDs. He released one in 1984 that was Chicago’s top selling album. The one he released during Christmastime in 1986 outsold Springsteen’s live boxed set in Chicago. Just don’t feel like leaving the house? Fine, tune in his NBC television show. OK, so that wasn’t exactly Emmy material. He still leads the league in successful side gigs.

Yet, the main thing is still the radio show. Johnny is funny, Buzz Kilman (his newsman/bluesman/sidekick) is great, and just about every celebrity on the planet calls in; but the real stars of the show are the listeners. They call in and tell him what’s going on in town. They send him letters with bit ideas. They send him songs or “wacky weenies” promoting the show. Johnny simply takes it and runs with it. Before they know it, they’re wearing underwear on their head in a busy intersection, or they’re blowing up their speakers at his request. It’s just good clean fun.

Just ask Kevin Krause of Palatine. A few weeks ago the entire show took place at his house. When it was all said and done, the neighborhood had done the show for Johnny. Kevin, a budding meteorologist, did the weather (Johnny blew in a call to Tom Skilling and had him critique the performance—he asked Kevin to apply for an internship). Kevin’s friends were the live house band. Johnny sang along with them a few times, but they provided the music. The Mayor of Palatine, Rita Mullins, stopped by. Before she left, Johnny had her singing “I am Woman.” No matter what was happening, if the doorbell rang, Johnny would stop the proceedings and get the door. The show had the feel of a family gathering. Johnny had charmed Palatine, and made each and every one of them a star for the day.

It’s to his credit that he is just as comfortable at somebody’s house as he is doing an extravaganza. On April 1 he celebrated his tenth anniversary in Chicago. On April 2nd, the Chicago Theatre was filled to the rafters with his fans for Johnny’s Blowout Bash. Johnny knows how to throw a party. The celebrities were there in force to put on a show, but Johnny made sure that some of the people who made him what he is today were there too. Some of his favorite “Wacky Weenie” contributors got to perform their songs live. His fans were so devoted that some of the weeny ovations were as loud as the ovations received by the Bodeans during their live set on the show.

So now that the ten year celebration has taken place, what’s next for Johnny B? One of the main reasons he switched over to afternoons in the first place, was so that he could syndicate his show to other markets. The competition in the afternoon isn’t nearly as fierce, and very few cities have a show of Brandmeier’s caliber in that timeslot. When he first announced the change he told us; “I’d like to be on the air and rolling by April 1, 1993. I’m doing the show anyway, so what’s the difference? All we’ve got to do is turn it on somewhere. It’s not like my show is going to change. They’re going to take the show as it comes or they don’t take the show at all. I think that’s what Stern’s done very well…take it or don’t take it.”

I guess they’ll find out that “We’re all crazy in Chicago.”

We’re actually not that crazy. We just have a fun ringleader. Thanks for the ride, Johnny.




Rick’s Note: A few months after this article was published, Steve Dahl & Garry Meier’s fourteen year partnership fell apart, and the Loop was suddenly without a morning show again. After trying Kevin Matthews in that slot for awhile, the Loop eventually turned to Johnny B again. His ratings were huge again.