Coppock vs. McNeil

(I wrote this article when Chet Coppock was moved to afternoons on WMVP AM, and found himself going head-to-head against his former producer Dan McNeil. It was quite an entertaining battle at the time, and it's safe to say that McNeil came out victorious. Coppock and McNeil have since made up. This article originally appeared in Chicago Advertising & Media in 1993.)


By Rick Kaempfer


The Loop AM/FM has done a dramatic overhaul of their lineup.....again. The most dramatic change took place on the AM band. They sent John Brandmeier over to the FM, shuffled Danny Bonaduce from overnights to Chet Coppock's evening slot, and gave Chet the better timeslot he has longed for; afternoons. I recently gave him a call. As a courtesy to those of you unfamiliar with Chet-speak, I included translations.

Chet, are you excited about the change?

"Its New Years Eve in Times Square" (Yes.)

I know you have long believed that your timeslot didn't offer you with the optimal sports audience. After all, you were going up against the events you were hyping. Take away your chance to set the scene, and you are taking away what you do best. Right Chet?

"My greatest strength is creating a texture and ambiance around an event" (Right.)

The Loop is, of course, taking a big chance. Turning over afternoon drive to a sports show on a station that is known more for its entertainment/comedy elements is quite a switch. Will there be any changes to your show?

"Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. It will probably take a few months, but we want to make it a more entertaiment oriented show. By the fall, we'll be Coppock on Sports meets Steve & Garry meets Johnny B meets Bob Costas."
(We're gonna take it slow, but we'll probably do a little more schtick.)

Well, now we get to see how Chet does against the competition. The only one to watch, of course, will be the Score (820 AM). They made a well publicized play for Chet when they kicked off back in January of 1992. Chet decided to stay at the Loop, but the Score did snag Chet's executive producer, Dangerous Dan McNeil. Coincidentally, McNeil is doing afternoons there (along with Terry Boers) and will be Chet's direct competitor.

Are you looking forward to a friendly rivalry with Danny McNeil?

"To be totally frank. I haven't even thought about it. I haven't listened to Danny for fifteen minutes since he left." (Wrong.)

Oh, I see. Well, then you're looking forward to a spirited competition. Is that closer to the truth, Chet?

"I'm not concerned. The station is not concerned. What are they, like 23rd in the market?" (Bring him on.)

Well, after discussing this with Chet, I thought I'd give a jingle to Dan McNeil over at the Score. Again, I've supplied translations for those of you unfamaliar with Dan-speak. Surely, he considers this a friendly rivalry between friends. Right, Dan?

"To be honest, I don't listen to his show. I don't read his column, and I don't watch his B-grade TV show." (Wrong.)

How do you feel about going up against your former mentor?

"Let me put it this way. There are other shows that I fear more." (Bring him on.)

Well, now that the gloves are off, lets have at it. Chet, what's the difference between your show and the Score?

"We have the newsmakers. We don't just report the news, we break the stories. We have a guest list that cannot be matched." (Take that.)

OK, fair enough. Danny, what's the difference between Chet and your show?

"Coppock has always prided himself on marquee guests, but the Score also gets the marquee names. Yet, these are presented differently. Listeners have access to the guests, and there is less pontificating and butt kissing by the hosts." (Take that.)

So, Chet how about some butt-kissing?

"Danny seems to forget that we made him an entity in this market. We made him Dangerous Dan McNeil. We took him off the unemployment line. He forgets that when his wife got pregnant, we gave him our baby furniture. I don't know why he's so bitter. I just hope he can get piece of mind, because he desperately needs it." (We're not friends anymore.)

It doesn't take a genius to sift through this and make sense of it all. Even though the Score has survey results that say only 13% of their listeners listen to Chet, don't buy their story that they don't consider Chet direct competition. And even though Chet says he doesn't worry about the Score because they're only 23rd (actually 20th), don't believe that Chet is unaware of their success with their target audience (3rd place, Men 25-54.)

This should be a fun summer for sportsfans. We're guaranteed of having at least one good heavyweight bout.

FCC RULES!

In recent years, the FCC has imposed heavy fines on television and radio stations (and networks) for indecency. It's actually been a constant battle for decades. While I was the producer of the Steve and Garry Show on WLUP AM 1000, we were cited by the FCC for indecency.

I won't argue the subjective nature of the term. Instead, I'll just site the three different definitions of what is considered obscene material by the Supreme Court.

1) An average person, applying contemporary community standards would find the material, as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest.

2) The material depicts or describes, in a patently offensive manner as measured by community standards, sexual or excretory conduct.

3) The material, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.

Do you understand this? Neither do broadcasters. In 1991 (just after I stepped down as Steve and Garry's producer), it led me to write the following column for Chicago Advertising and Media Magazine. Back then I was a sarcastic 20-something. Now I'm a sarcastic 40-something. The FCC hasn't changed much either.



The F.C.C Rules!
By Rick Kaempfer




I have a confession to make. Outgoing FCC Chairman Al Sikes is a hero of mine. That isn't a statement that will make many friends in the broadcasting industry. Chairman Sikes is one of the most unpopular people ever to hold that position. Yet, I'd like to come to his defense. He has, after all, accomplished two things for which he hasn't gotten enough credit. He has made radio "safe" for children, and he has turned the F.C.C into a viable money making operation.

Sikes made cleaning up radio one of his priorities when he took over. He oversaw changes in the rules that made it a fineable offense to discuss bodily functions of any kind on the radio. He was the visionary that realized radio was responsible for turning America's children into foul-mouthed little devils. It's hard to believe now, but just a few years ago children were saying nasty rhymes like "Beans, Beans, They're good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart." and "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo, Stick your head in doo doo." Pardon my French, but I print these graphic rhymes to illustrate a point. Thanks to the new rule, obscene childhood rhymes like these, are a thing of the past.

I admire his morality, but few moral men manage to combine this with such an acute business sense. He knew that every city had at least a few wacky morning shows. He also knew that these shows ventured into the area of dirty jokes occasionally. Think of your top ten favorite jokes. Are any of them dirty? Don't get me wrong, that Bob Hope is a funny funny guy, but even he also surrounds himself with buxom babes and makes off-color references. And he is America's cleanest comic. So, when Chairman Sikes expanded the rules to also prohibit any words "depicting a sex act", he was displaying his genius business sense. He was just opening up the coffers and letting the money come in. He just waited for letters from outraged "listeners". Case closed, we have a letter to prove it. Now if you wouldn't mind sending us a few thousand dollars, and just make the check out to "The United States Government". Sikes was starting up his own deficit reduction plan before it was fashionable.

Unfortunately, there is a downside to all of this. Sikes is stepping down, and his replacement has some mighty big shoes to fill. Luckily, I have a few suggestions that will carry on the quest of Chairman Sikes, allowing his successor to protect America's children and reduce the deficit at the same time. The new Chairman will come out smelling like a rose, because he or she will have sniffed out the only real problem areas my hero didn't address.

Since Sikes has gotten that pesky First Amendment out of the way, the first order of business should be an outright ban of the words "Less Talk" and "Non-stop music". These may be the most dangerous words of all. Studies have shown that children exposed to disc jockeys saying "Less Talk" every 3 1/2 minutes, lose the ability to reason. These same studies suggest that hearing the phrase "non-stop music" while the music is being stopped, permanently damages a child's capacity for logic. For America's sake, please ban these words. Who knows, this may also be a money making opportunity until the disc jockeys get used to avoiding these phrases.

The second suggestion is long overdue. It is time to ban "Two-first name disc jockeys". Every station has at least one of these. What kind of a message are we sending America's ethnic children? Program directors have an inbred fear of ethnic names. They hire a Bob Sosnowski, and soon the radio public will hear a "Bob Michaels". It's standard. They say; "Just use your middle name and put an "s" at the end of it." On the surface, the logic is sound. You will never forget your new name because your mother used to call you that when she was mad; "Robert Michael, you're in big trouble, young man!" Yet, what kind of a message is radio sending little Spiro Stopanopolis? He is being told he is "different", and will never be allowed to say "less talk" on the radio. This rule is vital and destined to be a big money maker for the F.C.C. Sock it to 'em. Lets get a few bucks back into the treasury of the "Good 'Ol U.S. of A."

I feel very strongly about my free advice. I'm even thinking about changing my name as a protest if these new rules are not enacted. My middle name is James, so from now on, call me "Rick James". Wait a minute. That one is already taken. Wow, I wonder if his real name is "Kaempfer"? Come to think of it, he does look like he could be German.

Bobbitt Flashback

PG WARNING: The content of this post could be offensive to the easily offended...If you are easily offended, please don't read it.



If you weren't living in a cave in 1993 and 1994, you remember the story of John Wayne Bobbitt well. His wife severed his manhood, and she threw it in a field somewhere.

The police found it, and it was reattached.

I was the producer of John Landecker's show when this story broke, and because of the popular song John and I wrote about it, the publisher of Chicago Advertising and Media magazine (a magazine I wrote for before joining the radio show) asked me to write a story about the Bobbitt material being done in Chicago.

The following is my published report from 1994.

A “Slice” of Modern Radio Life

It was a case that swept the nation. Just say the word “Bobbitt” and you are bound to get an immediate reaction. Everybody has an opinion about the case, and everybody was talking about it.

Every respectable television news anchor on every network and local station had to say the word “penis” on the air every night for virtually six months. Every comedian in the country has a “Bobbitt-hunk”. I followed the late night TV talk shows for six weeks, and David Letterman and Jay Leno did Bobbitt jokes nearly every night. Leno skipped the topic seven times in six weeks. Letterman skipped it four times.

The Bobbitts may have also single-handedly changed the face of radio. Subjects that no one dared discuss in the pre-Bobbitt days, were commonplace in the “Bobbitt-era” on virtually every morning radio show in Chicago. I decided to call them up and get their best “Bobbitt-material”. Nine morning shows responded to my call.

WBBM-FM (B-96) Eddie & JoBo
One liners were a regular part of the Eddie and JoBo program. They offered up their favorite Bobbitt-joke to me: “What’s the difference between Bob Barker and Lorena Bobbitt? Barker is a slick pricer.....”

WJMK-FM (Oldies 104.3) John Landecker
(FULL DISCLOSURE: I am the producer of this show)
Landecker also offered up a slew of one-liners. “Did you hear that John Bobbitt is legally changing his name....to Les Johnson?” “Now that the Bobbitts are legally divorced, John is once again unattached”. Landecker’s “Bobbitt Song” was also the #1 request item at the station. To the tune of “If you wanna be happy” by Jimmy Soul, the chorus of his song goes like this: “If you wanna make Lorena Bobbitt your wife, you better hide the butcher knife. John Wayne Bobbitt found out that’s true, when she woke him cutting off his wazoo.” He also incorporated a series of “Bobbitt-party games” into his live stage show; “Bobbitt-ing for Wieners”, “The Bobbitt-Wiener Toss”, and “Pin the Bobbitt on the Bobbitt”.

WLS-AM/FM (Talk Radio) Don & Roma Wade
Don & Roma, for the most part, gave it the talk-radio treatment. They spoke daily to Court-TV reporter Christian Jennette Meyers. She gave them updates live from Manassas. Of course, they didn’t stay away from the comedy treatment of the issue. Don predicted “She’s gonna get off”, to which Roma replied “That’s more than he can do”.

WLUP-FM (The Loop) Kevin Matthews
Matthews gave the subject his conceptual comedic touch. He referred to Bobbitt’s reattached organ as “Frankenpenis”, implying that they had mistakenly attached the wrong penis. He created elaborate “Frankenstein-like” situations for Bobbitt.

WMVP-AM (Sports-1000) Steve Dahl
Naturally, it comes as no surprise that Dahl covered the Bobbitt experience. He played audio clips of virtually every news anchor and reporter saying the word “penis”. Dan Rather, John Drury, Connie Chung, Jay Levine, Lester Holt, Warner Saunders, Deborah Norville, Penny Daniels, Robin Robinson, and Bill Kurtis were all featured. He also composed an original “Bobbitt-song”. The funniest line of the song is “I just wanna be your hubby, so don’t call me stubby.”

WPNT-FM (FM 100) Steve Cochran
Cochran came to town just in time for the Lorena Bobbitt trial. One day, he asked listeners to come up with alternative words for “penis”. The newsman on his show would then use that word. He spent one day using the word “woodchuck”. He also had a news reporter calling in from the trial, Dora Hasen. She told the show about the various different T-shirts being hawked, and the “hot dog”specials at the local restaurants. The “Bobbitts” were also discussed in the pre-Cochran era. Before Cochran arrived, the FM-100 morning show spent an entire day composing Bobbitt limericks in honor of Mike Royko’s column.

WTMX-FM (101.9) Brant Miller
Miller and his program director Barry James both felt that the issue was a little too touchy to be handled in a comedic way. They intentionally stayed away from it.

WUSN-FM (US-99) JD & The Katman.
John “The Katman” Katzbeck put together a little parody song in honor of the Bobbitts. It was called “Lorena’s eyes” and was to the tune of “Alibis” by Tracy Lawrence. The chorus went like this: “Lorena’s eyes and alibis, Hide the steak knives. Lord knows she threw it out the windows to the birds, don’t worry she’s getting severence pay.” The song also includes little fake commercials for both Lorena and John. Lorena hawks the “Vegomatic”, and John does a spiel for American Express...”Don’t leave home without it”.

WXRT-FM (93.1) Lin Brehmer
Brehmer called me up to tell me he didn’t do any Bobbitt jokes. “Unless I make them up on the spot, I really don’t have any. I guess I didn’t have my finger on the pulse of the community.”

Don’t worry, Lin. If the public wanted Bobbitt jokes, they didn’t have a hard time finding them.

The song we wrote was a staple of our live shows for years. Here are the lyrics to the tune of "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life," an oldie by Jimmy Soul. The late Chicago Tribune Pulitzer Prize Columnist Mike Royko, who spent weeks publishing Bobbitt limericks, pulled me aside at a party at his friend Tim Weigel's house to tell me that he thought this was brilliant. Granted, he had a glass of gin in his hand at the time, but I'll always remember that moment.

"If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife"




By John Landecker & Rick Kaempfer




If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
Just make sure you hide the butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazoo,

Lorena said John wasn't treating her well,
So he wound up in a prison cell,
When he got acquited Lorena scoffed,
"That's the last time that he gets off"

It's a story we all have heard,
The controversy that it has stirred,
The story of their marital strife,
That ended gruesomely with a knife,
She just sliced off his manhood,
And then she tossed it in the woods,
They say the grass there did go grow greener,
Fertilized by his sliced off wiener,

If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
Just make sure you hide the butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazoo,

(INST-BRIDGE)

We know how it will end of course,
The Bobbits will wind up divorced,
Their problems simply cannot be patched,
And John is once again unattached,

If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
Just make sure you hide the butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazzoo,

(INST & Talking)

Lorena said John wasn't treating her well,
So he wound up in a prison cell,
When he got acquited Lorena scoffed,
"That's the last time that he gets off",
If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
You better limit your marital strife,
She really knows how to wield that blade,
Every night you'll go to sleep afraid,
If you wanna make Lorena Bobbit your wife,
You better hide your butcher knife,
John Wayne Bobbit found out that's true,
When she woke him cutting off his wazoo.
(fades)

This song is available on Landecker and the Legends, Volume 1.